Then there will be 3....

I never did blog about our babymoon! So, excuse the past-blogging. But I want to get it down for memory sake... So on Thanksgiving day we took off for Carmel. We were so excited to get out of town. I had been hoping that we could do it a little closer, like January, but this was the only time we had together. And honestly, I will probably not feel up to walking around a lot and being away from home in January. So it all worked out. All the families seemed to be doing their own thing anyway, so it was okay. We arrived in Carmel to a blue-skied, sunny day. We checked in to the Carmel Crystal Bay Inn, only to find out (long story short) that I had booked our mini-suite for December 25-27!!... instead of Nov 23-25. Luckily they had a queen room for that night but nothing for the next night. Later, thinking back, I kind of felt like Mary and Joseph trying to find a place to stay and there being no rooms at the inn. lol Well, at first we hoped all night that a cancellation would happen but after sleeping in the most uncomfortable bed, we decided to look elsewhere. They actually made some calls for us and we got a room at the Carmel Bayview Inn. It was awesome as it was more in town and right across the street from our favorite restaurant, Forge in the Forest, and also right next door to a great deli! After checking in, we ate lunch in Carmel and then took a nap. Then we ate our Thanksgiving dinner (although not traditional) at Forge in the Forest. It was delicious as usual! We had a great evening!

The next day we went into Monterey for our usual breakfast at First Awakenings (another favorite!). And as luck would have it (or we were just being blessed), we got the perfect table outside, right next to the fire pit. I had the most amazing pumpkin and granola pancakes!! They were divine! We even decided that we should decide on a name here, but whether we really did will remain to be seen. ;-) We hung out in Monterey for most the morning and into the afternoon. It was 45 deg but there I was in a t-shirt and jeans. The sun was so warm. We had the most relaxing time there, enjoying our lattes, watching all the people! There was a guy in one of the squares doing spray paintings. He had an awesome ministry there in playing AirOne from K-Love and sharing the love of Christ in between paintings. He did a painting specific for us and we were able to talk with him a little bit. It was really cool. We finally headed back to Carmel where we walked from our hotel into town, stopping first at a home decor store. (this was our second blessing of the day!) We saw a wall-mounted wine rack we wanted but it was a little too much. So I approached a guy sitting at a desk. I asked him if they are flexible on their prices (totally out of character for me!). He said I was talking to the right man as he is the manager. I told him what we were looking at and he asked what our budget was. I think it was originally $95. He said he'll give it to us for 85. I said 80 and he said ok. We walked to the register and then he said if we have cash he won't charge us tax. So we started counting our bills. But we only had 68. He said he'll take it!!! I was blown away and told him he's going to make me cry and Sean said that happens easily these days. Then we started talking baby stuff and he began going on and on about how awesome parenthood is and giving us all this encouragement and then he turned to Sean and started offering all of this dad-to-dad, husband-to-husband advice. It was so awesome!! Come to find out he is a Christian and celebrated with us in giving God glory for this miracle! And as if all that wasn't enough.... Sean asked where he's from and he says Austin, TX. Well this is an ongoing thing with us because we keep meeting people from Texas which is where we keep talking about visiting and maybe moving to some day. So we chatted all about Dallas and Austin and he shared a lot of good insight with us. We walked out of there on cloud nine!! Pretty cool encounters today.

Friday night we decided to stay in for the evening. We headed to the deli next door, ordered a pizza (which was amazingly delicious!) and bought Kettle chips (only the best!), good sodas you can't find at normal stores and really good chocolate! We hung out in bed, ate dinner and watched God TV. It was a fabulous and relaxing evening!!

We ended our trip with breakfast once again at First Awakenings and my traditional trip to the Sock Shop. Except this time, a new tradition transpired. Usually I buy new fun socks every time we go to Monterey. But this time, I saw the cutest baby socks and decided that from now on ... baby AND mommy get new socks every time we visit Monterey!!!! :-D

We had such a great time!! I felt so very happy and blessed and fulfilled the entire time. There were no expectations but to enjoy each other's company. We had great conversation, but also great quiet times too. It was truly rejuvenating. And the next time we go...? There will be 3!!

Tis the season..... Merry Christmas!!!! 33 weeks!!!

Tis the season.... for what though??? Tis the season for what?? Santa? Christmas music? Random gifts? Debt-building spending? Or is it what we are truly grateful for? For me, spending time with my family... starting with Sean then brothers and sisters and parents. This time is so precious to me. It is a time for thinking of others. Not just giving gifts, but giving of ourselves. The gift of time. The gift of prayer. The gift of thankfulness. I am so thankful this year. (I know I'm suppose to do this at thanksgiving, but I'm doing it now) I'm thankful for my Lord Jesus who came to this earth as payment for my debt of sin.... paying the price for me when I didn't deserve it.... to give me hope, peace, unconditional love and a future in Him.

I'm thankful for my wonderful, loving husband, who has been everything I could have hoped for, and more, during a long awaited, and much prayed and dreamed for, pregnancy. I know this is not just my pregnancy... my experience, but OURS. He has taken care of me in the smallest of ways, been sensitive to me at times I didn't expect him to be and has picked up more than his share of the load either while I was down emotionally, energy-wise or physically. I can never, ever thank him enough! He has helped make dinner (during my so-far 4 week quest to cook at home) and clean up dinner, helped do laundry and oversaw an entire master bathroom remodel and all its grueling details! And now he insists on getting the nursery painted and ready for me to set up for our little girl by Christmas! ... the best gift of all!!! God has truly blessed me with the BEST husband in the universe!!

I'm thankful for this child, that has been growing inside of me. Psalm 139 has always meant so much to me, but it is off the charts now as I personally experience God forming her in my womb by the intimate work of His hands. I'm thankful for this new blessing of hope and healing and restoration as the last two years, at this time, have been very emotional and difficult for me. Missing my mom and changes in family dynamics (nothing bad, just normal change) made it a very emotional season. I even found myself hating Christmas music. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I'm back in the Christmas spirit... full force!! Although I still have no decorations up, no tree, due to my energy level falling all of the sudden. But that's ok. I am enjoying all the lights and sounds around me each and every day! I have baked and had my fill of christmas music all day! I'm loving it. And all because of this little girl inside of me... the gift of God to me and Sean!

Yes, this year I'm overloaded with gratitude and joy... also for my friends that have continued to surround me in love and support. I'm overwhelmed by these friendships. I only hope I am capable of showing that love to others when the time comes. Though I'm sure all my love will be directed to one little person for awhile, as she transforms my life and all that I am about, in one definite second as she is placed in my arms. Oh how thankful I am, ahead of time, for that precious moment, that I will get to share with the man of my dreams.

This Christmas, I have all I need right within my reach. I need nothing more than these blessings God has given to me. Merry Christmas to ME!!! And I wish you all a very Merry Christmas too!!! May God become real to you in ways you never knew, blessing you in ways you never dreamed possible!!! God Bless you and yours!!!!

His Grace is Sufficient!

God works in funny ways. Last night when I went to bed, I prayed and asked the Lord to show me what it looks like to be a woman of God at work. I know people know I'm a Christian and over all they would probably consider me a good christian girl. But do I really stand apart? Do I really live a life that reveals something different and draws them to God? I don't feel I do. So I asked Him to begin to show me what that looks like. This morning I came into work to find that I was working with my least favorite doctor. And this is only because the last time I worked with her I was ready to inflict serious harm on her and left the room (I think unbeknownst to her) in tears. Let me just say that no one has ever made me cry at work! Ever! No one! But now with the hormones, things are just different. So... seeing that I was once again working with her all day, I was not okay with that. And the Lord immediately spoke to my heart and I began to pray. As I set up my room I prayed. I prayed that His grace would be enough for me today. That He would fill this room with His presence and everything not of Him would have to leave. I turned on the radio and what song was playing?? "Your grace is enough... for me!" I had to laugh as I sang it out loud. Then the Lord reminded me of my prayer and that how I act and respond today, my attitude and whether I complain and vent or not, is the character of a woman of God. (I confess the way I responded last time was far from Christ-like) Whew!! How quickly He answered our prayers. And yes, His grace has, so far, been sufficient for me. I feel at peace and in control of my feelings and thoughts. I choose to respond in kindness and love if any situation arises. Thank you Lord for this opportunity.

Well I have felt terrific for the past 3 or 4 weeks!! One day I finally realized that I have felt the most normal that I have in 7 months!! ... besides the growing belly, of course. It seems I hit the third trimester and got an extra dose of energy. Nice!! I love it!! But now I'm fearing that it may be over. I am praying and hoping that the last 3 days were just a tiring 3 days and not the end of my energy. I'm hoping for at least another 4 weeks of energy because I'm told the last month can be tough once again. But I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the break from exhaustion. I can't complain. I worked 2 days and was exhausted and then yesterday it started out good but quickly went down hill after church. I don't even know what happened.. whether it was the weather in combination with my hormones, but I fell apart. Sean went to go help a friend and as soon as he walked out the door, the flood gates opened. I cried myself to sleep and slept for an hour and a half (much needed). The weird thing about hormonal crying is that you really have no idea what you're crying about. There really was no good reason. At one point I had stopped, but then look up at the ceiling and saw a cobweb and almost started crying again. Maybe that's how I was feeling about areas of my life. Like there's cobwebs that need to be cleaned out. Ok, maybe I'm stretching a little.... lol.... But nevertheless it felt good and needed to come out. Today is a new day and I feel better already. Though work is really the least place I want to be. But at least its bright in here unlike the dreariness outside. I decided I could not be pregnant in Seattle or Oregan. I would be a mess. Ha!! Well, back to work.....!!!! Smiles!

Reality Check!!!

I went home early yesterday from work. Not unusual when I work in the OR, but I went home earlier than normal. I have been having braxton hicks (few here and there) for the past couple months. No big deal. But yesterday, they started while I was sitting around relaxing.... they were more frequent and stronger than any I've had before. They came 4 times in 15 minutes at first. They continued frequently for about 45 minutes. That's when everyone suggested I go home. I was already thinking this. Although I knew deep inside I needn't worry, but I thought going home and just lying down and resting would be good in general. So I did. I went home around 3:30. Of course, I was fine once I got home, took and shower and planted myself on the couch with my book. My nurse practitioner and friend, Jane, had told me what to look for. So I monitored myself for awhile. Honestly, I think baby was just tired of being at work. lol I felt bad telling Sean. The look on his face showed concern. But I tried to reassure him I didn't think it was anything to worry about. The rest of the night was fine. A couple times I felt what felt like a contraction but realized it was one sided and just the baby pushing her bum against me! That was almost as uncomfortable! :) But this was eye opening for me. I'm getting closer!!! It seems so surreal and crazy! I'm only 30 1/2 weeks right now. So she needs to stay in there a while longer. But to think she could come in the next few weeks and our baby girl could be in our arms. Its very exciting!!! (Not so exciting if she came right now, so she and I had a talk and I continue to pray over her!)

Also, it hit me during my surgery case just now.... how truly amazing this whole thing is. To think I had resigned myself (actually submitted myself with all my dreams and desires to the Lord) to the thought that I would never experiencepregnancy. And I would have been happy had God just given us a child by any means. Because in the end, its really about having a healthy child and family for me. But having the honor to experience carrying her and growing her inside me is awesome and miraculous. I started crying (right there in the OR! Great!) at the thought of this. I am so grateful! I will never take this time for granted!! Thank you Lord Jesus!!!

Growing movements...

I'm so not good at this blog thing.... although I think I'm doing alright regardless. My friends who deligently follow my blog are always asking for another entry. I'm so slow. Same with my journaling. But I try. Things have been pretty good lately. I realized I've felt pretty normal lately in regards to my energy level and general well being. Yippee! It gives me hope that I really will be back to normal one of these days. As for baby... she keeps changing. Even in the last week I can tell she has changed so much! Her movements are extremely different. More than a huge gas bubble, now she's all substance and bones!!!! And boy do I feel her!!! lol The last couple of days she's had a constant foot in my side. Its not to the uncomfortable stage yet, but always there. While we were on our Carmel vacation, I laid in bed one night. She laid very low between my pubic bone and sacrum and between my hips. I have no idea how she got scrunched down there. But all of the sudden she decided to do a huge roll! I yelled out! It scared me! That was the first time it actually hurt vs just feeling uncomfortable. The rest of the night I was anxious every time she made a move. Its so crazy! Since then she is all up in my abdomen filling out every inch of space she can find. She's 15 1/2 inches now and 3 lbs!! So amazing!! I continue to feel her constantly! I love it!!!!! But it only makes me long for her more to be in my arms. But of course, I will wait.

That is all I have for now. I am running off to bible study now for some good fellowship that I have been longing for all day. I told Sean I didn't know what to do with myself today. He expressed his worry for me that I will be really bored and depressed with 4 weeks off before she comes. I doubt it. But we'll see..... Can't wait!!

Baby Shower Day!!!

I can't believe I made it to my baby shower day!!! It is so amazing to me!! I cannot express the emotion and thankfulness and blessing I feel today. Every day a testimony to God's faithfulness and love for His children. I am overwhelmed by His goodness.

Over the last 3 1/2 years I had finally came to a place of truly laying down my dreams and desires to the Lord. Not because I was told to or because I thought that I would get anything out of it in the end. But because I came to a place where I KNEW, with all that is within me, that my Jesus loves me. He died for me so that I can run free in the midst of my struggles of this world. He never said I would be exempt from them, but that I could experience freedom in spite of them. I came to a place where I believed, not just in my mind, but deep in the recesses of my heart, that all that He has is good for me. Not bad. Not neglect. Not hardship. Not troubles. But good. Pure good for me. Until you can identify with that truth you will always be plagued by the lies of the negative I mentioned. I experienced true freedom from the struggle of infertility. And yet, over the past year before I got pregnant I began to struggle again with the desire for a child... to be a mommy... to have a family with Sean. Its how this whole blog began.... searching for my purpose in this life and in this marriage. But God is faithful to His Word and to His promises.

Last year the Lord spoke a word to me that all He desires for me is good. Its good! I don't need to worry, because in the end, if I'm faithful to trust Him and Him alone, all things will work together for good. Even through all the treatments we did, my reason to stop them was that if God's will was for me to get pregnant, then I would and that His plan for the future would be better than I could ever imagine on my own.

As for His promises being fulfilled.... a few years ago, He spoke a promise to me. It was more clear than ever that it was Him and not my own thoughts. I wrote it down and stuck it in my bible. I think I prayed for it to be fulfilled for a little while. But before too long I forgot about it. Every once in awhile I would come across it and I would doubt it, but then the Lord would give me peace that it truly was from Him. I never told anyone (very unlike me to keep my mouth shut!). I just hid it in my heart. I came across it once again after I found out I was pregnant and was blown away by its truth!! A promise fulfilled!!!! .... God spoke His promise to me that I would be pregnant and He would give us a child of our own. It was a hard one for me to believe after so much time and yet I felt complete peace. I even wrote that I would hide it in my heart like a little secret between a daughter and her daddy. Well He was faithful to that promise and I am overwhelmed in His love for me!! I love God!!! I love His Son Jesus!!!

I didn't start this post with the intention of sharing all of this. But I felt compelled to remember where I came from and how I got to this day. It is amazing! I feel so emotional and overwhelmed by the fact that this shower is for ME!! I think I will have to continually pinch myself throughout the day to remind myself I'm not there for someone else. (feel free to pinch me also!! :)) But this is my joyous day! This is the day that the Lord has made (long before I could believe it would come true) and I will rejoice and be glad in it!!! I am grateful! I am blessed! I give all glory and honor and praise to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for this day. I would not be here if it were not for Him!! Praise you Lord!!!!

And one last thing.... I would not be here if it were not for my mom. I can't believe I'm here... I can't believe that she isn't. But she is in my heart and on my mind. She has made me into the woman, wife and now mommy that I am today. She has shaped me. She gives me strength to do all things that God has called me to do. By her example I have learned and feel ready to move into this next chapter of my life. This in itself is God's healing in me because since she met up with Jesus, I felt I could not, and would not, have a child and be a mom without her here. I know now that I can. And I'm ready. She is with me every step of the way. She gave me everything I will need for this adventure. She gave me Jesus. Thank you Mommy!!! I will love you forever!!

Did someone say babymoon??? 27 weeks....

Its been a while since I posted. Things have not changed too much... and yet I suppose there are things happening. I just get so busy with work and then trying to catch up with rest that I don't think to post. But here we go....

I finally got a actual girl's night out of town. My best friend and I initially planned to go to San Francisco for a one-nighter. I was really looking forward to it but as it drew near, I feared exhaustion. In the end we opted for a day atYosemite with lunch at the Ahwanhee Hotel. We headed up the hill and arrived around 1pm. (we got stopped by road work for 30 min and then paced by the work truck all the way in at 30 miles an hour! I thought my bladder was going to explode!!!) Luckily we made a reservation or else we would have had to wait an hour and then I would have been starving!! Lunch was wonderful. A great experience! We walked around only a little bit to take pictures and then it was back down the mountain. We stayed at her parents place near Oakhurst, relaxed in bed and watched a movie. I was asleep by 930. And yet.... by the time we arrived home the next day at 1100, I was purely exhausted!!! I was, after all, SO relieved we didn't go to SF. It would have taken me a week to recover!!!

But I AM looking forward to my and Sean's trip out of town next week!!! We have been looking for a time that we can get away for a babymoon. But he is blacked out at work for all of Dec and I am afraid that January will be too close. We both have a four day weekend over thanksgiving so..... Yep! We are going to Carmel for thanksgiving! Just the two of us! Some of our family were up in the air as to whether they would be around anyway, so we decided we better go while we can! I'm so excited! This is actually the first time we've stayed in Carmel since our honeymoon although we have visited a hundred times. AND... our favorite restaurant is open for the holiday!

As for baby.... Things just keep getting more exciting!! She is moving more and harder! Starting to feel more body parts moving rather than some big lump. Its so crazy and exciting all at the same time!! I LOVE it!! Yet as I move into my3rd trimester (I'm amazed daily by God that I made it!), I feel I'm bonding more with her. And I'm starting to feel anxious to finally get to hold her. I think that's why I rub and hold my belly so much... makes me feel like I'm holding her. But I seriously can't imagine the emotion I will feel when I feel her little body against mine that very first time. I'm beginning to ache with it!! I know Sean just wants this to fast forward so he can finally be fully involved and bond with her too. He has felt AND seen her move, but I know its not the same for him. I can't wait to see her in his arms! I have so much to look forward to these last few months.... my first baby shower tomorrow, thanksgiving in Carmel, thenChristmas and 3 more showers in January! Whew! Time will fly! Hopefuly....! And after December, no more work at the hospital for awhile!!!! Yeah! Well sorry its a novel... but that's what happens when I don't post for awhile. Until next time....

a little help with the Dentist....

Went to the dentist today. Yes, this is my most dreaded thing I do twice a year. But I do it. Good for me. (whatever) Anyway.... it really is worse than anything I can think of. But today I had company. A little special someone that was so thoughtful to begin her Tango lessons inside my belly during my appointment. Everytime she moved I would just focus on her and she helped me get through the anxiety and, a few times, discomfort of my cleaning. (YES! it was just a cleaning! Don't judge me!) I still hate the dentist. But our little girl made it bearable today. Thanks lovebug!

Well it is soooooo great to have Sean back. I picked him up last night from the airport and thankfully I didn't have to work today so we were able to stay up late talking about his trip. This WILL be the last time he leaves me for 5 days especially to Seattle! Next time... we're all going! It was good for me though. I have come to a place in my life, over 16 years of marriage, that I am somewhat independent, love my me-time and would not have been bothered by his trip. But where I would normally look forward to 5 days on my own to be a 'grown-up', I dreaded these days for the last month. It was good for me to desire him so much. It was good for me to need him. I don't believe it is just the hormones, although they play a role, I'm sure. But I believe God used this to bring me closer to Sean in that way. Every woman needs to "need" her man and every man needs his woman to need him. And I know he missed me too. Our reunion was only that much better! I definitely don't want to carry that independent woman role into our family. We are a team... a family... and it will be so important for us to work together to make the decisions we need make as we start this new time of our life.

ok! 2nd baby dream!!!!

So I spent the weekend with some girlfriends in San Francisco this weekend for the Nike Women's half marathon... of which I had planned and paid to do before I got pregnant! Now I'm the official photographer and cheerleader! Plus I had to pick up my bib for my running partner's husband who graciously filled my place. (thanks John!) Well to say the least... it was a terrible two days of trying to take care of myself. I had to look out for myself without my wonderful husband doing it for me... and I must confess, I didn't do a very good job. By the time I got home last night, I was starving (despite the very large, juicy burger I ate around 3pm and the Peet's blended decaf coffee I had on the way home). But at 1030 I realized it had been 7 hours! So no wonder I was hungry. Long story short... hunger + no food in the house + exhaustion + excitement + physical, mental and emotional demand of conquering the city on my own = .... me throwing up last night! Yikes! And of course, I'm home alone with Sean in Seattle. Sooooo not a good combination. But all in all... it was a really fun weekend! Fun with the girls... a ton of fun with Kristin's family (of whom I am officially adopting... and may have already adopted me... I hope... hehe) Anyway... that was my weekend in a nutshell! So proud of Kristin for conquering her first half marathon in under 3 hours on her 30th birthday!!! What a fantastic way to spend it! And the only other better person than me to share that experience with.... her husband who ran it with her! :) Ok... onto the blog title's theme.... The Dream.

So Saturday night the girls fell asleep early. I was watching TV and baby starting moving... a lot! So I pushed down the covers and pulled up my shirt to see if I could see her. Well she started out with small movements that I could see. Then she started moving harder. Then started rolling across my belly! It was soooo awesome! (Kristin's sister, Shannon, is a couple weeks ahead of me and we were just talking about this at dinner) I finally went to sleep....

In my dream, I was watching my belly and first I could see her full hand print. Awesome. Then a foot print. Totally cool. THEN!!! All of the sudden... she crawls out of this little hole on the left side of my belly! Crawls on top and just lays there, on her back, in the fetal position. Ok. I can totally picture this because I've seen 23 weekers at work!! So this was crazy! Then after a bit, she turned into a little girl around age 3 or 4. Just her little head, with chin resting on my belly, with her little bangs (like mine are now) and long thick dark brown hair. She just stared up at me smiling and batting her eyelashes at me. Soon she switched back into a baby. I finally said "ok, baby girl, you need to go back inside! You still have to grow more!" So she turned over and crawled back into that little hole!

These dreams are so crazy! Its hilarious! It is amazing to think she would actually live outside the womb by now. She's that big! But I keep telling her, in real life, and praying, that she stay inside and keep growing! So this dream was right up there with my recent thoughts. lol

I'm loving this whole journey! It is so fun and exciting! By now, everyday brings a new realization, feeling or physical change with her. I feel her constantly, which reminds me, every single time, how much my God and Creator love ME!!!! It is amazing!!!

I saw her!!!!! 23 weeks...

This morning, for the first time, I SAW her move on my belly. I had been watching for this lately because lately her movements have been harder, but haven't seen anything.... until this morning. It was so awesome! I've been sick with a cold (that continues to get worse) for the past 2 days. But today, she brought me joy to start my day out right!!! Like I posted on fb, I know this is the first of a million moments when she will brighten my dark days with something simple and sweet she does or says. That thought brings tears to my eyes. I can hardly wait for her grand entrance into our lives! I once again am in awe of the workmanship of God!!! Thank you Jesus!!! Now... if only she can make me get better, faster! :)

I am still normal!!!

Today was the first day in probably a few weeks that I finally felt normal again... human really. Monday was very stressful for me at work and then Tuesday was a huge break down, sob fest during one of my cases in the OR!! Thank you to my special friend, Irene, who came to my rescue. Tuesday night I was oncall but only until 9pm (my other favorite friend, Mike, took the rest!) Well thank goodness, because I fell asleep backwards in my chair/ottoman around 7:45 for about 30 min then was in bed and sound to sleep by 8:45. I slept 11 hours! Yesterday I woke up feeling, still, so tired. Went to breakfast with Sean then to a friend's for only an hour or so. It exhausted me! I went home, did nothing but sleep for 2 1/2 more hours!!! And here it comes.... today.... I finally feel human again! There is hope! I was not tired all day. I had energy to do all that I needed to at work (especially when it got busy in the afternoon). And my thinking was clear! The other amazing thing was that I liked everyone and didn't feel irritated by anyone (those poor nursing students) or anything, except the monitors that kept dinging off! Hallelujah! I was starting to think that I was just becoming a really ugly person on the inside because I felt like the grinch all the time. But nope. Today I realized, once again, it all is about the hormones. My hope is renewed that I will be normal again.... some day. :) I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But today was awesome!!

Now if only this can last me through the next 5 busy days. Please be praying for me. I have one more day of work then have a wedding to shoot on Saturday (my first official one! Woo hoo!). On Sunday our bible study group is doing some work at a neighbor's house (I will work according to how I feel. Everyone is making sure I take care of myself. I have such great friends!) And then only 2 more days of work! There should be time for rest in the latter half of saturday and sunday. It will be a fun weekend!

Our little baby girl is doing awesome! She is now 1 lb!! And I'm up a lb from last week! I'm on track! I can feel all of her moving inside me! Sometimes harder than others. lol Yesterday she was kicking my rectum.... tonight, my bladder! But all in all, I love every minute of it. Today she was kicking around while I was talking to a parent and it really through me off. lol A little stinker already, she is!

That's about it for now. Nothing exciting but the exhaustion. This too shall pass, I tell myself. People say its preparing me. But frankly I'm just fine with having it thrown at me all at once when she gets here! Just as long as I feel good and sleep well now! :-)

TTFN!

have... to ... slow ... down...

In the last week, I have lived at the hospital for 51 hours in the last 6 days without a day off. Only had one day off in the last 9 days and only 2 days off in the last 13 days. All that to say.... I'm exhausted! And before you tell me I need to rest and take care of myself... let me say... trust me! I have been regardless! But when it comes to work and call-time and class, you really have no choice. I'm just glad to be through it and look forward to the next few weeks being back to 'normal'. Today I broke down and had a tall soy latte and finally felt a little energy and personality. I felt like a slug. You gotta do what you gotta do. Other than that, I'm doing great!!!



Today, Sean told me he's proud of me for working hard and "taking care of our kidlet". It brought me to tears along with doubts that what he says is true. Every day I worry I'm not doing my best to take care of our little precious girl to the best of my ability. But I feel my ability these days are hindered. I don't know why but my ability to put the simplest meal together is near void. So it usually comes to eating something that is slightly less than the best. But all in all I eat my veggies, fruit and dairy and drink so much water I'm a frequent flyer to the little girls room. I guess this is only the beginning of many many years of feeling inadequate as a parent. But you just keep going... all you need is love, right? I hope.

I'm coming into my 20th week! I can hardly believe it! I'm feeling her move every single day, all day!! It's so amazing! My belly continues to grow! And I continue to grow out of, officially, all my pre-preg clothes! I'm loving this journey!! Love it love it love!!! To God be all glory and honor and praise!!!!!

Our precious little GIRL!!!!!!!! ...18 weeks!

We've been waiting all this time to found out the sex. In the beginning Sean left me hanging for almost a month saying that maybe he wanted it to be a surprise. But finally, in Paso, with our best friends, he made the final decision... "to go with whatever Amy wants". I yelled "We're finding out!!!!" Although, I always knew we would. We're too much of planners. We like to be ready and prepared. Besides the fact that I hate yellow, mint green and lavendar, not to mention Classic Pooh (who, don't get me wrong, was great 10 years ago!) I wanted very pink if a girl, or very blue if a boy. Nothing wrong with that!

So as many of you know, we showed up at our U/S last thurs. But little missy was way too comfortable and wouldn't move enough to show us anything. The tech couldn't even get her pics. So we'll have to repeat it in 1-2 weeks. I didn't realize how bummed I was until AFTER I woke from my "sad nap" I took as soon as we got home from the appt. But we waited this long, what's another couple weeks? But Saturday came and my friend talked me into going to our U/S dept at work and have them take a peek. "You can do the same thing you guys planned on doing on thursday" she said. Why didn't I think of that?? So as my second set of eyes, she went with me. They both wrote their decisions on paper and compared notes only to find they chose the same answer to our long awaited question. She put the paper in an envelope with the picture and I never looked. Then she went to bat for me and had the nurses take my last two patients and they let me go home early! (thanks again Jamie, Sukhwinder and Teresa!) We went out for dinner to Sequoia brewery where I first told him I was pregnant (this was his idea on thursday. On saturday I just told him I was craving it. So easy!) As soon as our order was in, I gave him the sealed envelope. He was so shocked and surprised. We excitedly opened it and were so excited!!! I was wrong in my feeling of having a boy... so when I saw "girl" I was speechless.

There are so many reasons why having a girl means so much to me. First of all, I'm just a girlie girl. And even though I want Sean to have his boy, I see him with a daughter. He is such a girlie daddy and I am beyond ecstatic to see him with his little girl. It brings tears to my eyes. But the most important reason I wanted a girl was because of our moms. A little girl seems to give me a piece of my mom. Every time I think of her or when I see her, I know I will think of my mom. I feel closer with her now as though she is here. My relationship with my mom was always wonderful. And I pray that my daughter and I can have that same closeness that I shared with my mom. It was the most wonderful thing in the world. And even for Sean... I feel the relationship he will have with his little girl will have a part of his mom in there too as he had an extraordinary relationship with her. So having a girl, for me, means so much more than pink blankets, bows and bling. It is our moms legacy and their heart in our family. I am so appreciative and feel so full right now. We are so blessed!!

On the other side....

I now find myself on the other side of infertility. Its weird being here because for 10 years I've been on the side of wanting, waiting, envying, worrying, wishing, praying, hoping.... you get my drift. I've heard lately that a few of my friends without children (both trying and not) are already thinking, and worrying, about how this will change our friendship. Oh.... I know that feeling so well. Oh how I dreaded every next announcement that "we're pregnant!". Its the loss of that friend's spontaneity... the loss of undivided attention.... the loss of quick text responses. And as if the usual announcements weren't bad enough, I had to slowly bid bon voyage to my infertility comrades as well, as they, one by one, saw the miracle of parenthood. (not that this was bad. I was more happy for these than any other!) We actually had a fruit of the womb club at one time. There were, I think, 7 of us. And over the years, as one dropped out, there was always another to fill the void. But slowly, even those dropped off until there was only one.... me. All by myself. I was the last of the last. The lonely caboose. But even as I write this I have two beautiful friends who continue to struggle in the desire to have a child. And I find myself at times, feeling so bad... not wanting to make them feel sad... knowing all too well what they are going through and how they may be feeling or thinking. But I know my time has come, as it will for them. It is just so strange to be on 'this side'.

A friend told me today, as I was encouraging her in her journey through infertility, that she was afraid I will forget how it feels as I enter into this long awaited time of motherhood. For certain, I cannot know what to expect nor can I make promises that nothing will change. Every one of my friends swore they wouldn't forget... until the time finally came and they successfully did all the things we hated the most. (i.e. talk about their pregnancy or children for hours while you sat there ready to tear their eyes out. lol) I'm not sure I haven't changed already. Of course I love to talk about my pregnancy. There are so many changes happening all at once. How can I not? And yet I want so badly to be sensitive to my dearest friends. So my prayer has been and will continue to be.... "Lord, please let me never forget the past 10 years of struggle that I have gone through." Oh how I do not ever want to forget! He has had me in a place of encouraging others, even bringing strangers into my life that I may help them along their own journey. What a tremendous blessing it has been for me to use some of the worst moments of my life for HIS glory... and I can only pray that it has been a blessing for those girls as well. No, I don't ever want to forget. It is what has made me into who I am today. God does not waste a single tear we cry but uses it to grow us into beautiful, strong women of faith. Praise God the last 10 years was not for nothing!

So again I say.... "Lord please help me never to forget. Yes things will change. But let me always be a vessel to be used for encouraging, uplifting and building up of my sisters who are still on their own journey!"

At least we have dessert....

Well today has been a day so far. So many different emotions and weird things today! (sorry... I really didn't plan to write so much. This one is a novel)

Forgetfulness

First, I tell Sean this morning to remember to take the Honda because I need the Expedition. 5 minutes later I walk out the door and take the Honda to my friends to meet her to walk. 5 min after that I get a text from Sean going "I thought....". I'm so retarded! Obviously I blamed it on the pregnancy! (man I'm going to miss that excuse)

Disappointment

Then such a disappointment happened. The other day I won 4 tickets to the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular at work!!! Sounds silly, but I was really excited about this! Its not something I would ever spend money on, atleast not in Fresno. But since they were free, I was stoked! Sean was not so much. But nevertheless.... "we'll make it a couples thing" I said. He was okay with that. The email from Human Resources said we had to turn in the vouchers for the real tickets at the Savemart Center box office by the 26th... today! Right? WRONG!!! I get there and the girl proceeds to tell me, in a matter of fact way, that they had to be picked up by yesterday! I was like "WHAT?" I said "Are you sure? There's no other way?" And again, very matter of factly, said "No". I was so upset I almost threw the tickets at the window at her. (don't worry I didn't) But I did fold them up and throw them in the first trash can I could find. Which I immediately regretted, thinking maybe there would be a second chance since HR screwed up. Now they're gone for good. (I checked the email when I got home and sure enough it said the 26th... yes I sent them an email!) Again I chalk my anger up to the hormones. But the reason is.... ever since last year's trip to NY, I believe I lost my heart there. I'm in love, fascinated, perplexed by that city. I think I should have been born a New Yorker. It just fits me! (some of you might disagree, but its true!) I felt so at home. So these silly little tickets were going to give me just a little taste of NY this Christmas season. Needless to say, Sean was not so sad, but being the sensitive one that he has been (he learns quick), he was sad for me.

Goodbyes

From there I took my friends to the airport. My friend Sue will return next week. But Dan is leaving for good (almost) to go to the Dominican Republic for the next 3 years. I say almost because he will be back for a weekend in 3 weeks or so and our bible study plans to meet up with him and Sue. But today, I said goodbye. I never could have anticipated becoming friends with him and his girlfriend, Sue. It came as a wonderful surprise when I ran into them at our church, The Well, and met her for the first time. (He was one of our newest ortho surgeons at the hospital and I had a strong feeling he was a Christian) Then only a couple weeks later he took off to Haiti, with only a few days notice, to help with the crisis that was happening over there at the beginning of the year. Sue and I became very quick friends!! God is so awesome in the way He provides and takes care of us. So I say Bon Voyage and God bless!! See you in 3 weeks! And then the official, real, difficult goodbye will happen. (I think that may have to be the first big vacation baby Noble takes... to visit Dan and Sue once she moves over to be with him)

Mindlessness

And last of all... we decided to get together with some friends tonight after they get off work. I said "oh just come on over to our house" (being the hospitable person I am). I head off to Trader Joe's to get groceries and something for dinner. Well I went in with one idea and one idea only. And of course they did not have the pork loin I wanted. I stood there staring for who knows how long. I walked every aisle trying to think of something for dinner. Its so ridiculous that I cannot come up with one thing to cook!! (beside spaghetti or tacos... I just can't be a simpleton) I have always struggled with this. I don't know why. I really wish I did. Maybe it is something I should take to my counselor and dig deep into my childhood, I don't know. But I was so frustrated. Now I have 4 people coming over and I have NOTHING! I held back tears a few times while there. I finally succumbed to the inevitable and texted Sean the reality of the situation. He, once again, was encouraging. He finally, after much effort, was successful in making me laugh. But it took a lot.

I've really been doing better. But I'm just still not used to all this emotion and how quickly it can go from one end of the spectrum to the next. I just can't wait for Sean to get home. It will be a good night, regardless. All you need is yours friends. And at least we have dessert.

We're growing!!!!

After last week's emotional episode... I have been doing great! God is good and has kept me at rest. So yesterday's spontaneous, spur of the moment, U/S was not out of fear but pure anticipation to see our beautiful baby! The girls in U/S were not busy so Andrea said she would do one for me. I was so excited! The baby is getting so much bigger! He was moving all over the place... dancing just like his momma!!! lol However... I did not want to find out the sex without Sean, so I told her to not say anything! At the end, she said I'm too early to find out. (thank you Andrea for keeping me from being tempted) But I saw all four chambers of the heart! Totally amazing! I saw all four arms and legs and even fingers and toes! The profile view was the best... eyes, nose, lips, cheeks! So precious! I only wish Sean was there! But in a few weeks we will have the official one. This, again, was just another reminder of how great our God is! Every time I see the baby, I am in awe of His workmanship. I love this journey, though it has been very hard at times. I know God is working some things out in me. Healing old wounds and hurts. Its a painful process, but so necessary. I'm falling more in love every day.... to God, to this baby He has gifted us with, and to my most amazing husband. I love him so very much!!!

Trusting...and worship

Despite my last post... I have continued to struggle this week with trusting that everything is okay. And through prayer, there are things that are coming up that I realize are a part of my struggle. This morning was my second morning sobbing to the Lord. It went from crying from fear to frustration with myself to anger at the enemy of God and ended in spiritual warfare and then praise. It was a tough morning. But praise God, He has given my mind rest. And I will stay there as long as I can. There are things that I realize about this distrust and that is it stems from past hurts and disappointments in my infertility journey. But I have to get to a place where I am trusting no matter what.

Today as I was driving I was listening to worship music and trying to worship God. I heard that ever familiar voice telling me I'm faking it because how can I worship when I don't trust. But then I heard God say (the even more familiar voice), "Worship me, not because it will give you peace, but because of Who I Am." Why do we worship? Is it so it can magically fix our situation? Is it so it will bring US peace? Is it to meet our needs? Or is it because it is what we are created to do... to worship the creator of the universe, the Saviour of our souls, the Lover of our hearts? So I'm learning, once again, to worship for the simple fact that He is worthy of our praise!! And trusting He will meet me right where I am every single day.

Be patient .... and stand firm!

This weekend was a good one, but I found myself feeling, once again, a little self-conscious... a little somber. I think it started Friday night when I, all of the sudden, felt like my belly was empty. Silly I know. Saturday at work, I was so tempted to have the girls do an U/S in radiology just to ease my mind. Sunday I felt emotional all day. But it really wasnt until Sunday night, as I stood in front of the mirror rubbing my belly, that I just knew in my heart that everything is ok and that baby is still in there. I am right in the middle of my month between appts and the fear is creeping in again. But Sunday morning, Brad was teaching from James 5:5-20. The first part of that text, verses 7-8, James speaks to us to be patient....

"Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near."

Brad talked about being patient in all things, in all that God is doing in you, and in the waiting. We can sow, and cultivate, but we must trust in the Lord that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." I have no way of knowing what my baby is doing during the 4 (long) weeks in between appts. Nor do I have control over it. But what I DO HAVE is a hope and a faith in Christ Jesus as my Lord and Saviour that He WILL complete this work that He began in me. I do not know His will. But I do know He loves me. And I know that this fear, though normal for a first pregnancy, is not of Him and He is bigger than all of it. I can believe that He has a plan and a purpose for this child. And I will believe that all is well and that we will celebrate this precious baby come February. He has fulfilled a promise to me that He made long ago and I will wait patiently for the complete fulfillment of that promise. I WILL STAND FIRM!!!

Just as a disclaimer... I am not gripped in fear. That fear was broken 2 months ago!! But it is just those annoying, small, subtle fears, that once again, I know are normal, but I don't want them. I want to continue to walk in all the joy and the peace and amazing work God has done and is doing in me!! I love this journey and yet it is a continual walk of faith. Everyday God is teaching me to trust and live out my faith in him. Everyday I am learning a little more of His love for me. It is a hard process, but it is so worth it!!!

Not too fast....

Once again, I have learned a lesson. Just because you regain a little energy does not mean that you are allowed to spend it all at once. Last week, as I studied for my exam, I felt some energy coming back to me. (then again, I prayed for God's strength to get me through that long, hard, tiring week and He did!) This week started out a little more tired but that's just work. So Wednesday come along and I start going full force! I went to the gym (for the first time in 6 weeks), then came home and did some yardwork cleanup from the weekend then housework and laundry. I felt normal for once and went at it all day long. It felt great! Yesterday was less busy but I did go to the gym again and I had a lunch date and a dinner date. Both days were filled with some heavy emotions coming from all different directions. I think God knew I needed today off because I think I would have crashed at work. I got a call at 6am this morning telling me I was mandatorily getting called off. I was so bummed because I'm trying so hard to save my vacation time for my leave. But I seriously crashed. I went back to bed around 8am until 930 then from 230 until about 5pm. Yikes! I forewent the workout today with the thought that my body definitely needs rest. (although my body was loving the workout! I feel alive again and the constipation is gone at least for now! lol) I hope that gives me energy for work again tomorrow!!!

Once again, I'm still figuring out this whole pregnancy thing. But its getting easier. And honestly I'll go about an hour now without thinking I'm pregnant. I'm getting more and more used to the idea. But then I think "oh no! If I stop thinking about it then it will go away!!" LOL Silly thought, I know. Silly Amy.

Still, fatigue, heartburn and constipation have remained my biggest adversaries. Which I really can't complain. I've given over to medication for the heartburn otherwise I really can't eat anything! And I've actually been more regular this week (maybe its the veggies) and even more so these past two days at the gym! I'm amazed what a little workout and movement can do for your plumbing! lol And again, the fatigue is slowly improving as long as I don't drive myself into the ground. I think I will keep my newest rule of committing to only one thing (plans with friends, that is) on my days off. It seemed to really help this past month. I have a bad tendency to over commit myself. ...... I'm beginning to fill out more and wearing my belly bands on a more consistent basis. I even wore my first preggo jeans last night! But man! They were so comfy!

Ok I'm just babbling now... that's what happens when hubby is working until 930 and I'm bored at home!! Sorry for going on and on. But thanks again for joining in on the fun!

Baby Dreams....

So for a month now or so, people have been asking me if I've had any baby dreams. I know these are normal and very common but I didn't think they would come until later. However a few nights ago, I finally had my first. It was still so vivid even the next day. It didn't bother me at all when I woke up although it felt heavy when I was sleeping. But I just had to laugh. So here it is.... (sorry if you already heard this on facebook. This is also my way of record keeping :)).....

I had a dream that we had a little girl, but she was born with a partial cleft lip. You couldn't even see it from the outside, so I guess it was only on the inner portion of the lip. I thought "ok I can handle this". Then later in the dream, she switched to a boy and now had an undescended testicle that would also have to be surgical fixed. Again, I thought I was still pretty lucky that both of these are minor surgeries. Then later, we went to visit some friend's who had just moved to the beach. They had a really awesome, though small and simple, two story house right near the water. Picture living in the little town of Capitola on the beach. So you could walk out their front door onto a huge patio surrounded my greenery and then down some steps that led to a walkway where walkers and bikers would pass by. And just beyond that was the beach. And just to the right about 20 yards were shops and restaurants. Trust me, it was totally awesome! (I'm only sharing all this because this is how vivid it is to me and it really was a prime location. So jealous! lol) Well ANYWAY..... Sean went to put the baby down, along with their 4 or 5 young kids. And as we were sitting around chatting with our friends a couple hours later, I thought I better go check on our little one. But as I went room to room, bed to bed, I could not find her (yes, she is back to a girl!). I came out and asked Sean where he layed her down and he said that he put her in the master bedroom. I remember there was only one baby in there, so I went back to look, however this little baby did not look like MY baby. And even worse, I couldn't even remember what my baby looked like! And I woke up.

It was so bizarre. I guess your fears really do come out in your dreams. Not that my fears of medical needs consume my thoughts, but truly, being a nurse, they are definitely in the back of my mind. It was just a crazy dream. And I loved that my friends starting posting their craziest dreams on my facebook. I honestly was laughing, out loud, all day long. So feel free to post yours here!

Happy Dreaming!!!!!

A New Chapter! .... 14 weeks

Sorry, its been too long since I've written, but this last month has been a bit crazy. But it seems as though I just may be entering a new chapter of this pregnancy.... called the second trimester. Last week was the first week I have felt somewhat normal though still tired, but definitely not as bad. I worked 56 hours in only 6 days, four days of which were in a row. I prayed for God to give me strength to get through. I begged for his power and might. And He came through, as usual! I was amazed I could get through without a hitch. Also, I'm done studying for my Certified Pediatric Nurse exam that I'm been preparing for over the last month! That, also, took God's strength! I took the exam on Saturday and breathed a huge sigh of relief as I walked out the door. I will find out if I passed within the next 3 weeks. But I'm not stressing about it. Its done and whatever will be will be.

Well enough of that! Because now, finally, officially, its all about baby!!! ... and mommy and daddy! :) I didn't like sharing my mind space with studying. Now baby can occupy the majority of it! God knows he's beginning to occupy my belly more every day! Yep! I'm beginning to feel the start of tight pants and shirts that only make me look fat. So shopping I went on Saturday, also to celebrate the end of the exam! My sister-in-love and niece helped me shop. My niece being the biggest help of all! lol It was fun, trying on those clothes with the fake 7 month baby bump. I tried the first one on alone because I really didn't know if I would get emotional at the sight. I did, but no visual tears. Its just precious. I purchased 6 tops but realized that I'm in that in between stage. They are just a tiny bit too roomy still but my own clothes are too tight and not attractive, for the most part. So I'll do what I can. Its all fun and I'm enjoying every minute of it!

I'm getting used to the idea of this little one being inside of me. So although I think about 'being pregnant' all day every day. Its not until I lay down in bed at night, in the dark, and truly realize the miracle of life happening inside of me. That as I'm going about my work, nerves are being formed, muscle is being laid, bones are taking shape. This week she formed fingerprints... which I call the fingerprints of God. :) Her little eyes are opening, fingers and toes are fully developed. Her body is catching up to her head in size. The organs are coming to completion this week! As I near the end of my 13th week, all essential components and all critical organs are complete. Now its time to grow! Its amazing to me! I have always stood in awe of the delicate work of God in creating a human life inside of a woman. But now, it is so much more real! I am that woman. And I feel so privileged, so blessed, to be given this responsibility. I want to do all that I can to ensure that this baby gets only the best. So I'm on a mission, now that my tummy is feeling better and I'm getting my energy back, to put that energy into eating the best I can and getting back to exercise (not to say I'll be perfect, by an means!). I'm excited for these next few months as, Sean and I, get to watch our precious little one grow inside of me. I love that thought!

p.s. I interchange him and her, not to confuse you.... no, we don't know the sex yet.... but only because I can't stand the thought of saying 'it'. :) We'll know the sex in about 5 weeks! :)

Amy who?

And here's the other thing.... I'm not myself right now. I would hope that my closest friends would have grace for me. But it seems those closest to me don't know what to do with me. Things feel awkward and they keep questioning if "we're" okay. Of course we're ok. I'm just pregnant! So please dear friends. Just ride this wave of pregnancy with me and have a little grace. I'm tired. Yes, I'm more irritable because I'm tired. I'm stressed for this exam next week. My hormones are going haywire. But I'm still me, though a little tweaked. I love you all! :)

So many changes.... 11 weeks...

Okay. This pregnancy thing is just crazy. I had no idea. Although I always figured that when it finally happened, I'd be going "THIS is what I tried so hard for??!!" Really though, it is wonderful... or the thought of it is. I am surprised at how weird the first trimester is. Again... something you never hear people talk about. I finally started asking around and, thankfully, I found I'm not crazy. The first trimester is just weird. Here you are pregnant. And you are exhausted (beyond what I thought a human could be), getting fatter (which I am now choosing to call cushioning for the baby!), constipated (oh, I know, just wait!), heartburn (I already had this, its just worse now), peeing in the early morning hours, outrageous hormones, and now I'm finding pimples! And yet, as if that's not enough to tell me something is going on in my body, there's no other daily evidence of a baby inside me. I still, after all these weeks and ultrasounds and pics to prove it, feel like I'm pretending! Its just simply weird. I have to consciously stop and think about the reality that I have this little, beautiful, perfect life growing inside of me. It is a miracle. It is a wonderous, God-given miracle! And then, I am filled with awe and praise to my Father for all He has done, is doing and going to do! But man! The day to day thing ... is weird. So I thought I was a little crazy but thankfully I am normal. Well, kind of. lol I am just so anxious to get this show on the road... to SEE my belly getting bigger because of the baby and not just because I ate too many carbs to curb any nausea. ... to FEEL her (or him) move inside of me. But for now, I wait. I wait in faith, in trust, in patience. Because I know all things happen in perfect time for God's perfect reasons. Thankfully, the nausea has been extremely mild and sporadic. The emotional outbursts have only happened twice, so far (I even put myself in time-out the other night! lol) The biggest struggle is being exhausted and trying to study for my CPN exam in 10 days (to get my certification to be a pediatric nurse). I can only do what I can do and other than that I am relying on God's supernatural strength in my weakness. I am constantly so grateful for this time. I am so excited for this precious life that God is entrusting to us. And I know, as this baby grows inside of me, I am growing also. It takes 9 months to grow a baby and it takes 20 years to grow a mom. I can do this. :-)

hormones hormones hormones!!!

Well to say the least the last month has been a wild ride filled with lots of emotional ups and downs, spiritual battles with fear, doubt and worry, and many new feelings and thoughts. Fast forwarding to today.... Today, I'm just overcome with how I'm really feeling. I'm exhausted to say the least, but I feel so unmotivated and blah. I feel like I should be happy (and I AM!!) but I find myself, if left home alone with nothing to do, just staring with no thoughts. Last night I lay down on my bed after work and I could have stayed there all night. I had no thought, no emotion, no motivation to do anything (even though I really wanted to go exercise). If I wasn't pregnant I would think I was depressed. Its so weird. But I know my hormones are all over the place, so I take all of this with a grain of salt, ride the wave and know it will get better in only a few short weeks. I have to let myself be tired. I have to let myself rest and be unmotivated (poor Sean). Monday I got the itch to cook dinner and so I did! It was great! And Sean's friend was over so we got to bless him with that. But for the most part its pbj's for Sean. I hope he has grace for me in all this. I wasn't too different before the pregnancy, but now its just a lot worse! :)

So ride I will!!! The wave of uncertainty to how I will feel each day! And I will continue to think of this little one inside of me. I am so blessed and so excited for this journey!

My life just changed.... A LOT!!!! I'M PREGNANT!!!

It all happened Memorial Day weekend of 2010. But let me back up just a little first. Most of you know I just don't ovulate on my own. However last year I happened to "O" 3x. The last being in December. March came along and I had some different signs of "O" than usual but was followed as suspected with my period. The crazy thing is... only a few weeks later I had my normal signs of "O" (breast tenderness)! I was shocked! Its unheard of. I have never "O" 2 months in a row! Not even on drugs, I don't think! So I waited the typical 11 days for my period to start (this is the only clockwork my body knows). Well, that day came and went. It was a Thursday. And usually if I'm a day late, I'm freaking out! But I guess after so many years and so many negative pg tests, I blew it off. I can't remember what I was thinking... as I went out that night to an Orthopedic Rep dinner at FIVE restaurant where I had, oh I don't know, 3 glasses of wine and then coffee just so I could drive home! (what? it was free!) But then Friday came and went (not sure where my mind was still) and then Saturday came and I decided to take the dreaded test. Except this time I had a feeling. And I was right! It was immediately positive!! I didn't really believe it so I chose not to tell Sean yet (protecting him I guess) and went out and bought another brand of test and refilled my prenatals that I hadn't been taking. Sunday I woke up for work and pee'd on two sticks, of different brands, at the same time. I figured if they're both positive then it must be right! Well I only had to wait for about 45 seconds before they were both brightly positive!! I was amazed! And yet I felt reserved, protective and cautious. I still did not want to get my heart involved until we knew for sure and until I knew it would last past a week. Sean took me to work that morning, and as much as I wanted to tell him, I knew I couldn't spring this on him and then leave him for 12 hours! So I chose to wait. And wait I did... all day. It was the longest day ever! That night we went out to dinner at Sequoia Brewery. I didn't even tell him during dinner. All these years!! I've waited all these years and dreamt of telling him in some creative, romantic way! With infertility there is no surprise. He was always in the know. And now! Now I have the opportunity... and I could come up with nothing!!! NOTHING!! My mind was blank. So after dinner, we walked over to the pretty area of the plaza at Perrin and Champlain near the water fountains, and perched upon the retaining wall, I told him "I have to tell you something". He just said "oh no. now what?" Well his first response was shock. But as it settled in, his face softened to a sweet smile. After we processed for a few minutes, he says "so I guess I should hug you or something, right?" I said, "yah that would be nice". (we were both laughing) Then he says "I suppose you want me to pick you up and twirl you around right?" I said "oh no! We're way past that" lol I mean seriously. It sounds all romantic but it's been 10 years. And right then, we were still VERY leary.

Well that's the very beginning. The beginning of our lives changing for the good, forever! As I was reading through the previous blogs here I could see so evident the work that God was doing in me. Even when I wrote the last blog post, I was only a couple weeks away from conceiving. Seeing the change in my heart that God was doing and knowing and trusting His plan for my life. And now, I'm practicing that all over again... in a very different scenario. I'm almost 10 weeks now and I'm very VERY excited! And yet despite the spiritual breakthrough from fear I had last week, I still find myself being a little cautious. But I have heard the Lord speak already to me that this is His promise fulfilled. It is awesome to know, beyond a doubt, that God really does fulfill His promises to us!!! Thank you Lord ... for your love, your protection and your everlasting promises.

Life keeps going....

Well... I thought I would blog more here but its just not happening. Life is busy I guess. And I forget. but... Things have been more peaceful for me lately. God is so good. I feel Sean and I are on the right (and same) path toward whatever God's ultimate plan is. We are not totally sure what the end result will be. But we are trying to be obedient in the little steps God asks us to take. The first being to sell my car. It went bye bye on Tuesday. I was sad. Very sad. That car was so me! And so I felt a part of me went with it. I was always content in that car, never prideful, felt it was a more humble, although still nice, car. But maybe there was pride in that too. So we are now a one car, one motorcycle family. The money will go toward the repairs we need on the house, which is the second thing we feel we're supposed to be doing. Getting our house ready to sell. Although not definite if or when we are to sell. But God will show us that too. So.... just trying to hear God.

I have gotten a little caught up in taking care of myself because I realize I just can't take care of Sean the way I want. And so I throw myself into this other stuff for me. So I'm also learning to balance that and keep him in the loop of my life. Sometimes that means sacrificing what I want for the good of the both of us. I'm learning. Not that I never knew this before. But after 16 years of marriage, some things you have to relearn.

That's all for now. Not too exciting. But this is my life. . . . .

It's not about me....

Lord, I surrender everything to you.... everything that I am, everything that I hope to be. Even my deepest passion and burning desire for missions. I lay it at your feet. Because ultimately it is not about me, but about you. My one goal is to bring light to the excellancy of your name (1Peter 2:9-10). Am I doing that? Do I glorify you at home? Does my husband see your excellancy and the light of your glory in me, the way I talk, act, am at home? Do I glorify you at work? Are people made aware of your awesomeness and power by the way I live, speak and breathe? Lord, help me to glorify you. As has been my prayer for the last 3 years, Lord, take out all that is in me that is not of you, and fill me to overflowing with your mercy, grace and power by your Spirit in me!