have... to ... slow ... down...

In the last week, I have lived at the hospital for 51 hours in the last 6 days without a day off. Only had one day off in the last 9 days and only 2 days off in the last 13 days. All that to say.... I'm exhausted! And before you tell me I need to rest and take care of myself... let me say... trust me! I have been regardless! But when it comes to work and call-time and class, you really have no choice. I'm just glad to be through it and look forward to the next few weeks being back to 'normal'. Today I broke down and had a tall soy latte and finally felt a little energy and personality. I felt like a slug. You gotta do what you gotta do. Other than that, I'm doing great!!!



Today, Sean told me he's proud of me for working hard and "taking care of our kidlet". It brought me to tears along with doubts that what he says is true. Every day I worry I'm not doing my best to take care of our little precious girl to the best of my ability. But I feel my ability these days are hindered. I don't know why but my ability to put the simplest meal together is near void. So it usually comes to eating something that is slightly less than the best. But all in all I eat my veggies, fruit and dairy and drink so much water I'm a frequent flyer to the little girls room. I guess this is only the beginning of many many years of feeling inadequate as a parent. But you just keep going... all you need is love, right? I hope.

I'm coming into my 20th week! I can hardly believe it! I'm feeling her move every single day, all day!! It's so amazing! My belly continues to grow! And I continue to grow out of, officially, all my pre-preg clothes! I'm loving this journey!! Love it love it love!!! To God be all glory and honor and praise!!!!!

Our precious little GIRL!!!!!!!! ...18 weeks!

We've been waiting all this time to found out the sex. In the beginning Sean left me hanging for almost a month saying that maybe he wanted it to be a surprise. But finally, in Paso, with our best friends, he made the final decision... "to go with whatever Amy wants". I yelled "We're finding out!!!!" Although, I always knew we would. We're too much of planners. We like to be ready and prepared. Besides the fact that I hate yellow, mint green and lavendar, not to mention Classic Pooh (who, don't get me wrong, was great 10 years ago!) I wanted very pink if a girl, or very blue if a boy. Nothing wrong with that!

So as many of you know, we showed up at our U/S last thurs. But little missy was way too comfortable and wouldn't move enough to show us anything. The tech couldn't even get her pics. So we'll have to repeat it in 1-2 weeks. I didn't realize how bummed I was until AFTER I woke from my "sad nap" I took as soon as we got home from the appt. But we waited this long, what's another couple weeks? But Saturday came and my friend talked me into going to our U/S dept at work and have them take a peek. "You can do the same thing you guys planned on doing on thursday" she said. Why didn't I think of that?? So as my second set of eyes, she went with me. They both wrote their decisions on paper and compared notes only to find they chose the same answer to our long awaited question. She put the paper in an envelope with the picture and I never looked. Then she went to bat for me and had the nurses take my last two patients and they let me go home early! (thanks again Jamie, Sukhwinder and Teresa!) We went out for dinner to Sequoia brewery where I first told him I was pregnant (this was his idea on thursday. On saturday I just told him I was craving it. So easy!) As soon as our order was in, I gave him the sealed envelope. He was so shocked and surprised. We excitedly opened it and were so excited!!! I was wrong in my feeling of having a boy... so when I saw "girl" I was speechless.

There are so many reasons why having a girl means so much to me. First of all, I'm just a girlie girl. And even though I want Sean to have his boy, I see him with a daughter. He is such a girlie daddy and I am beyond ecstatic to see him with his little girl. It brings tears to my eyes. But the most important reason I wanted a girl was because of our moms. A little girl seems to give me a piece of my mom. Every time I think of her or when I see her, I know I will think of my mom. I feel closer with her now as though she is here. My relationship with my mom was always wonderful. And I pray that my daughter and I can have that same closeness that I shared with my mom. It was the most wonderful thing in the world. And even for Sean... I feel the relationship he will have with his little girl will have a part of his mom in there too as he had an extraordinary relationship with her. So having a girl, for me, means so much more than pink blankets, bows and bling. It is our moms legacy and their heart in our family. I am so appreciative and feel so full right now. We are so blessed!!