Over the last 3 1/2 years I had finally came to a place of truly laying down my dreams and desires to the Lord. Not because I was told to or because I thought that I would get anything out of it in the end. But because I came to a place where I KNEW, with all that is within me, that my Jesus loves me. He died for me so that I can run free in the midst of my struggles of this world. He never said I would be exempt from them, but that I could experience freedom in spite of them. I came to a place where I believed, not just in my mind, but deep in the recesses of my heart, that all that He has is good for me. Not bad. Not neglect. Not hardship. Not troubles. But good. Pure good for me. Until you can identify with that truth you will always be plagued by the lies of the negative I mentioned. I experienced true freedom from the struggle of infertility. And yet, over the past year before I got pregnant I began to struggle again with the desire for a child... to be a mommy... to have a family with Sean. Its how this whole blog began.... searching for my purpose in this life and in this marriage. But God is faithful to His Word and to His promises.
Last year the Lord spoke a word to me that all He desires for me is good. Its good! I don't need to worry, because in the end, if I'm faithful to trust Him and Him alone, all things will work together for good. Even through all the treatments we did, my reason to stop them was that if God's will was for me to get pregnant, then I would and that His plan for the future would be better than I could ever imagine on my own.
As for His promises being fulfilled.... a few years ago, He spoke a promise to me. It was more clear than ever that it was Him and not my own thoughts. I wrote it down and stuck it in my bible. I think I prayed for it to be fulfilled for a little while. But before too long I forgot about it. Every once in awhile I would come across it and I would doubt it, but then the Lord would give me peace that it truly was from Him. I never told anyone (very unlike me to keep my mouth shut!). I just hid it in my heart. I came across it once again after I found out I was pregnant and was blown away by its truth!! A promise fulfilled!!!! .... God spoke His promise to me that I would be pregnant and He would give us a child of our own. It was a hard one for me to believe after so much time and yet I felt complete peace. I even wrote that I would hide it in my heart like a little secret between a daughter and her daddy. Well He was faithful to that promise and I am overwhelmed in His love for me!! I love God!!! I love His Son Jesus!!!
I didn't start this post with the intention of sharing all of this. But I felt compelled to remember where I came from and how I got to this day. It is amazing! I feel so emotional and overwhelmed by the fact that this shower is for ME!! I think I will have to continually pinch myself throughout the day to remind myself I'm not there for someone else. (feel free to pinch me also!! :)) But this is my joyous day! This is the day that the Lord has made (long before I could believe it would come true) and I will rejoice and be glad in it!!! I am grateful! I am blessed! I give all glory and honor and praise to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for this day. I would not be here if it were not for Him!! Praise you Lord!!!!
And one last thing.... I would not be here if it were not for my mom. I can't believe I'm here... I can't believe that she isn't. But she is in my heart and on my mind. She has made me into the woman, wife and now mommy that I am today. She has shaped me. She gives me strength to do all things that God has called me to do. By her example I have learned and feel ready to move into this next chapter of my life. This in itself is God's healing in me because since she met up with Jesus, I felt I could not, and would not, have a child and be a mom without her here. I know now that I can. And I'm ready. She is with me every step of the way. She gave me everything I will need for this adventure. She gave me Jesus. Thank you Mommy!!! I will love you forever!!
