burdens and blessings....

This post is not going to be the upbeat fun post, unfortunately. The truth is that I'm having a real hard time adjusting to going back to work. I'm in my third week and what started out not too bad, is now getting so much harder. This week I worked Sunday and Monday. Therefore I went 48 hours without seeing, touching, holding or playing with my baby girl. It was so hard! And so after 2 months of not being able to cry, the floodgates opened (AT WORK!) and I ended up in my supervisor's (and friend) office for a safe place to cry. I literally couldn't stop crying for an entire hour! However, yesterday I was back to work again after two days with Emery, and I was ok. But even when I'm at home I'm finding that I'm adjusting there too. Tuesday I was so happy to be home with her that I didn't plan to do anything all day! And yet I found myself in a funk. My time with her felt awkward and I had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Today I realized that because my days off are less now, I'm also having a difficult time finding a balance between getting things done, having some time for myself and spending much needed and desired time with Em. And twice now she's been unusually fussy during the morning when she's usually really happy. So I think she is adjusting too... to mommy and daddy taking care of her... to two different routines.... Its just so hard. So much harder than I thought after my first day back was so easy. Please don't get me wrong, I am SO extremely grateful to be able to cut my hours to part time. I am so grateful for the fact that daddy can be home with her. Its just another adjustment among hundreds more to come. And I know we will get through it.

Well I will write some good stuff. Today was a good day. Emery and I met my sister-in-law Renee for lunch. Then Em and I walked around downtown Clovis for awhile, I held her and we played as we sat on a bench and then headed back for some ice cream (not good ice cream unfortunately). But the weather was beautiful and I was doing what I love... strolling around a pretty area on a pretty day with my beautiful daughter. We were there about an hour and a half and then headed home with a couple errands along the way. Its weird. Feelings of guilt try to make their grimey way into my mind because I was out and about and tired and probably wearing her out instead of being at home spending "quality time" with her and keeping her in her routine so she gets good rest. But one thing I have to realize is I DID have quality time with her today. It was wonderful. So I will bind up those lies in the name of Jesus and thank God for a wonderful day with my baby girl!

I have so much to be thankful for. I just want more time with her. I'm willing to do almost anything to make that happen, as is Sean. He wants that for us too. We'll see what God has in store. I look forward with anticipation to the road God is paving for us!!!

Mother's Day - My first!!!

I just have to get something in here about Mother's Day. How can I NOT blog about my first one?? Well it was wonderful! I couldn't believe, all day, that it was actually happening. I had to keep reminding myself "Its MY mother's day!!!!!" What a true blessing! I am still in awe of this whole thing and of who God is!

My first gift was that Emery slept in until 730!!! When I went to get her from her crib, she smiled big at me, and then I saw the card next to her. I thought it was from daddy, but it was from baby. :) Then my second gift came when I walked into the kitchen to find a painting on canvas that my little Emery (a.k.a. daddy) did for me!! It was soooooo sweet. It brought tears to my eyes! And another card, this time, from daddy. And daddy also brought me coffee.

Well I got to do whatever I wanted today! So the first thing I wanted to do was go to church. For so many years, I only went to church on Mother's Day for my mom. And after she passed away, I stopped going. For the past 4 years, I have scheduled myself to work every mother's day. (with the exception of one where we went to Paso Robles that weekend) It was so very painful because the service was always extremely geared toward being a mom. It was especially painful after I couldn't even sit with my mom in church anymore. So I stopped going. Well this year, I wasn't about to miss out!!! (unfortunately at The Well, they don't make a big deal about any holiday besides simply acknowledging it. lol) And besides the sermon, it was the worshipping of my God and Father that has saturated me with such a blessing as Emery! So I went to sit in His presence and praise Him and Him alone! Then we went to Batter Up for breakfast (supposedly Emery told daddy she wanted to go there. Luckily I wanted to go too! lol) Then it was back home. We had a much needed relaxing afternoon. We watched Survivor then took naps. That evening we went to my brother's house for dinner and dessert. This was also my desire... to spend my mother's day with some of my family. Not much was said about it, but it meant a lot to me to be with them and my nephews and niece. It was a great evening!! At some point in the next couple weeks, I plan to finish out my mother's day celebration with a foot/leg massage at Foot Reflexology! :-)

I feel so extremely blessed to have been able to celebrate such a day. I am constantly amazed at how faithful God is when we are faithful (and even when we are not... Thank you God!) I will forever remember my first Mother's Day. What a dream come true! (unfortunately I have no pics as my camera was ruined in the torrential downpour in Texas :(... )