This post is not going to be the upbeat fun post, unfortunately. The truth is that I'm having a real hard time adjusting to going back to work. I'm in my third week and what started out not too bad, is now getting so much harder. This week I worked Sunday and Monday. Therefore I went 48 hours without seeing, touching, holding or playing with my baby girl. It was so hard! And so after 2 months of not being able to cry, the floodgates opened (AT WORK!) and I ended up in my supervisor's (and friend) office for a safe place to cry. I literally couldn't stop crying for an entire hour! However, yesterday I was back to work again after two days with Emery, and I was ok. But even when I'm at home I'm finding that I'm adjusting there too. Tuesday I was so happy to be home with her that I didn't plan to do anything all day! And yet I found myself in a funk. My time with her felt awkward and I had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Today I realized that because my days off are less now, I'm also having a difficult time finding a balance between getting things done, having some time for myself and spending much needed and desired time with Em. And twice now she's been unusually fussy during the morning when she's usually really happy. So I think she is adjusting too... to mommy and daddy taking care of her... to two different routines.... Its just so hard. So much harder than I thought after my first day back was so easy. Please don't get me wrong, I am SO extremely grateful to be able to cut my hours to part time. I am so grateful for the fact that daddy can be home with her. Its just another adjustment among hundreds more to come. And I know we will get through it.
Well I will write some good stuff. Today was a good day. Emery and I met my sister-in-law Renee for lunch. Then Em and I walked around downtown Clovis for awhile, I held her and we played as we sat on a bench and then headed back for some ice cream (not good ice cream unfortunately). But the weather was beautiful and I was doing what I love... strolling around a pretty area on a pretty day with my beautiful daughter. We were there about an hour and a half and then headed home with a couple errands along the way. Its weird. Feelings of guilt try to make their grimey way into my mind because I was out and about and tired and probably wearing her out instead of being at home spending "quality time" with her and keeping her in her routine so she gets good rest. But one thing I have to realize is I DID have quality time with her today. It was wonderful. So I will bind up those lies in the name of Jesus and thank God for a wonderful day with my baby girl!
I have so much to be thankful for. I just want more time with her. I'm willing to do almost anything to make that happen, as is Sean. He wants that for us too. We'll see what God has in store. I look forward with anticipation to the road God is paving for us!!!
Hi Amy, I too have had MANY of the feelings you are talking about. I try to be everything to everyone and get everything done around the house while simultaneously trying to give my daughter my undivided attention and give my marriage some attention as well. A lot of days I just feel beat down thinking "I can't do it all". I know those thoughts do not come from the Lord. I went back to work when my daughter was 5 weeks old and I cried for 3 hours the first night. My husband, who had never been around a baby before ours would be caring for her all night. I was terrified. And I cried many more nights before work. It is hard. Every mom is different, but don't be so hard on yourself. You love your daughter and are an amazing mom. I try to make my household chores "fun" for my daughter and I. I use to wear her in my moby when I would do the dishes or laundry. It would take 5x as long but it was special time (and a good work out ;). Now I carry her in the laundry basket with the laundry and let her play with the tupperware when I unload the dishwasher. She LOVES it!I still struggle with getting some "me" time but it is important and I am a work in progress (I am sure I will always be a work in progress..lol) You are a beautiful wife and mama. Don't forget it! -Kristin Combs
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