need to vent...

I feel like this is the scariest thing I've ever had to look forward to... I'm talking about the labor and delivery.

I just got done at my doctor's appt. First... an update. After 2 weeks of being 1 cm dilated, I am only 1 1/2 cm dilated now and 30% effaced. Guess I was hoping for a little more but then again I still have 2 more weeks.

So then I start asking my doctor questions about what to expect in the hospital with the staff, their routine, etc etc. I know I'll get an IV right away because I tested positive for Group beta strep so I have to get antibiotics. I know I will be monitored but I said I want to move around and get in whatever position is comfortable. He said "for a time, yes". I said I will be bringing my exercise ball and he said that's fine. (but he always seems reserved with anything I say...) I asked him where he stood on induction. He said if nothing is happening he'll induce (as if I have no say in the matter). And that he won't let me go too far beyond my due date. I tried to ask what his definition of "my not progressing fast enough in the hospital" is, but he couldn't really answer because there are too many variables. But still, I got the feeling he would be quick to induce if I wasn't progressing as fast as HE would like. I, on the other hand, want to allow my body to do what it is meant to do... not by man's agenda or protocol. I mentioned that I know labor is much worse with pitocin and he said its not. And I said that's not what I've been told. He said I've been talking to the wrong people. I said these are my friend's stories of what they felt during induction. Then he gave me some reason why it may have been worse. blah blah blah It just seemed that everything I asked him, his answers didn't line up with my real world friend's stories. I know he is the doctor and he's been doing this a long time. I know he is the expert. But he also has never had a baby!!

All this to vent and say... I just feel so out of control. What I want out of this, I don't feel I have much say in the end. I know my body will do what its going to do and I can't fight that. I'm open to change. However, I feel like I'm at the mercy of the medical realm which many times goes against every natural thing on earth. It just seems so scary for me to feel I have no say if things don't go 'perfectly' according to their protocol. I feel like it would be better for me to just give up all my desires for a drug-free, natural birth, get induced, get a epidural and give myself over to whatever they want to do with MY body. Its feels very scary to me to be so out of control. I don't know what to expect. I just feel really overwhelmed and anxious about what lies ahead of me.

And yet I know that GOD is bigger than all of this. I know that HE is in control. I know that nothing will happen unless it is supposed to happen. I know that I need to be "anxious for nothing". But it is just hard. These are only my real feelings, right now, and I needed to vent.

Her movements!!!

I have tried once before to video her moving, but to no avail. The other night I tried again and I got a little bit. Unfortunately I could not upload the video. She really is a stinker.... because before I went to bed she was moving all over the place. But I believe she is a little camera shy and she does NOT like my belly being exposed to the cold. She will literally stop moving and retreat the instant I pull up my shirt. I'm going to have to get creative if I really want to catch her movements. She finally moved right when the song goes to the chorus and he sings "You captivate me, fascinate me...". I love the timing of that!!! Sean went through 4 songs before finding one that she liked! She's got great taste!!

So if you have any advice on doing that, please let me know. I would love to share!!

As for the picture.... as you know, maybe from my posts on facebook, I had planned to take a picture with this same top on in the same location, etc etc, each month. Unfortunately I only took four. But I love seeing the change! I love this tank top because I saw a girl wearing it in San Luis Obispo when we were there for my birthday in July. I told Sean I have to have that top! It says "Pregnancy is the new skinny" in glittery pink. :) Well within a week or two, Sean, on his own, went to Destination maternity and sought it out and bought it for me! My first pregnancy piece of clothing! It meant so much! :) ..... well, that's all for this post.

My first week on leave...

My Life Group baby shower

Dinner is set for party of 6!

Explorer baby shower! Traci and Kristin

I keep meaning to write every day as there are so many little things I could share, but I have made myself very busy so far on my maternity leave. I definitely have not been bored. I have combined some social with some productivity with some rest each day. So far, its been great! And today.... WE HAVE SUN!!!! Thank you Lord! Thats the only thing that's been killing me.

I had my last two showers this past weekend. Friday night, the girls from my bible study group threw me a shower/dinner. It was a wonderful time of sharing and laughing. After dinner, Lisa shared a word with us and then they each prayed over me, Sean and the baby. It was amazing! I am so blessed. Then on Saturday, my friends on Explorer celebrated with me. They gave me a beautiful shower with beautiful food and lots of laughs!! I have known many of these girls for the 11 years that I've been a nurse. I even had two friends that came from Reedley and Davis just to share in this amazing miracle with me! It was sort of a reunion. We had a great time!! I have been patiently waiting for all my showers to come so I could finally shop for our little girl! Please don't think that I have not appreciated each and every one. I feel SO overwhelmed and blessed by the love and care shown at these showers. We have been abundantly blessed by the gifts. However, for someone who needs to plan ahead and prepare, both physically and financially, its been difficult for me to patiently wait up until only a month before my due date! But by Sunday, I finally was able to take stock of what we still needed and I had the excitement of going SHOPPING on Monday!!! AND... I received so many gift cards that I still have not had to spend one penny. WOW!!! I had so much fun!! I literally have only bought her two outfits, and that is it, this entire pregnancy! I am pretty proud of myself. But the flood gates have opened and I've been at babies R us and Target almost every day this week!!!!! LOL The last important piece of baby stuff that we needed to be prepared for her arrival, the carseat, is now purchased and loaded into my car!! We are absolutely ready now!

Although I have been feeling really good overall, I am so grateful for the timing of being off work as my back, bones and ligaments "down there" have been hurting a lot more. I have had the hardest time going to sleep at night. And I have been exhausted. But I'm figuring out what I need during this time off and beginning to start new habits. That has helped a lot. I knew once I stopped working (which truly was my form of exercise and activity) I would need to be more intentional about getting out and walking. So the last few days, I've taken my doggie, Maddie, out for 20-25 minute walks around the neighborhood. I usually stop 3 or 4 times to relax and breathe through the braxton hicks contractions. My doula, Jill, says to use these as practice for breathing. Then I come home and do exercises and stretching (yoga) on my exercise ball (now called a birthing ball). Its amazing how good I feel after I do this. That ball is awesome to relieve pain and achiness. I love it! I plan to go back to the yoga class this Saturday!! I've missed it!

Nothing new to share regarding my doctor's appt this week. He will check me next week to see where I stand. But all is well. Baby is moving and GROWING in this body of mine that is NOT growing. She is running out of room every single day. The other night I cried out as she kicked me in the ribs! lol But still.... I love feeling her and will miss it. I know I will have her in my arms, but i can't imagine not feeling her inside me. I think I will long for another pregnancy. Then again, I may be too busy and tired to think about it. :)

(the first two pics are from Friday night's shower. The following are from Saturday) ... :-D

Oh how He loves us...

During my time with my Lord this morning, I was overcome with His love for me. It has been displayed in so many ways over the past 9 months. From His direct loving on me through His Holy Spirit, to the too-many-to-count beautiful friends who have shared in our joy and excitement, to the many gifts we have received, to the way God has brought Sean and I together in a way we have not experienced in a long time. God IS so good. He desires good for us. In tears, I could not stop praising aloud in my living room His greatness, power, Majesty and might!! I give all glory and honor and praise to His Name and to Him alone!!!! There is no other reason for this miracle but by His Name and power alone! Thank you Father!! Oh how the Father loves us! He is always faithful to fulfill His promises to those that love Him.

I was just reading my very good friend, Lisa's, blog. She and Brent are adopting twins. They are due one month behind us but may very well come in the next few weeks. Again, I was overwhelmed by God's goodness as I thought of all Lisa and I have gone through on this journey of infertility. Even during my prayer time this morning, I was praying for her and couldn't help but stop in praise and worship for how He has brought us both to this point of beautiful miracles, and all at the same time! That we could go through brand new parenting together with all its ups and downs. What a great support we will have in each other. In her blog she wrote a poem from the book Streams in the Desert. And I'm going to borrow it and post it here. We don't always know or understand the road that God has us on. There are still many things, looking back, that I don't understand. But in the end, God IS wiser than we and He knows, like a Father, what is best for us. Sean even commented last night that God's timing really is better than ours. And the trials and difficult things we go through will always be used by Him to grow us and perfect us. It is in our brokenness that we get our eyes fixed back on Him, right where we need to be. Not one moment is ever wasted by Him. He does not cause them, but He will always use them for His purpose. Thank you Lord for loving me so very much to spend so much time on me!

We may wait till He explains,
Because we know that Jesus reigns.

It puzzles me; but, Lord, Thou understandest,
And wilt one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Thy best-
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

Though has fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on Thee,
To make me what I was not, humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love to Thee.

So I will thank and praise Thee for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing Thou dost hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Thy guiding hand.

One centimeter!!!! :-)

Had a doctor's appt today as I enter my 36th week. Nothing too exciting. I asked when he will check me and he said in 2 weeks. I told him I passed my mucus plug (I'm now sure of this) and he decided to check me today. I'm "one finger" dilated. I'm guessing that means one centimeter. Nothing to send me home thinking I'm having a baby this week, but still, exciting to hear my body is changing and getting ready for the big event (or as our doula says, d-day, delivery day, that is!). He did say she's got a lot more time in there. I've gotten myself into this mindset, because of the small pre-labor signs I'm seeing, that she may come early. I keep saying she needs to wait until after next sunday. We need to get through my last days of work (only one more!!!), 3 baby showers, and our pregnancy pics next sunday! So my brain tells me she'll come on monday. HA!!! Right! So now I'm retraining my mind to know that we really do have 4 more weeks, at least. Otherwise I'll go crazy come next week. lol But here are some of my pre-labor signs... my mucus plug is officially out! I've been having some flu-symptoms this past week and a half, mainly nausea. ugh! I'm having some nesting but then again we finally have the nursery ready to go so there's lots to do. However I'm still tired. No real burst of energy yet. I'm not cleaning base boards or anything. :) And of course braxton hicks. But I have not felt her drop yet. So I've still got a ways to go, but it is just exciting to actually see (and feel) my body changing in preparation for this little one's grand arrival!

As for Sean and I, our focus has changed a little bit this past week. After attending our first childbirth class last Wednesday and then meeting and talking with our doula this past Sunday, we are turning our attention to each other. One night last week I was crying to him that I'm afraid of losing our alone time and our freedom with each other (yes, partly due to hormones). Afraid of losing ourselves in this little one and how that will change our relationship. It only sent me to the Lord and laying this at HIS feet and praying over our marriage. I know that in many ways, this will bind us together like nothing else we've ever experienced. And in other ways, we will need to be intentional and diligent in keeping each other first. Without a strong marriage, a child will be stripped of so much. Our marriage has to come first. (at least after the first few months because she WILL demand all our attention in the beginning! :)) So we have been more attentive to each other and giving of ourselves more. In the beginning of the pregnancy I felt a lot of this, but it has dwindled as we got used to the idea and got caught up in the master bath remodel and getting the nursery ready! I said "No more projects now!" We need this last month to relax and really put our energy into each other and enjoy the time we have. I told him last night that I have really enjoyed the last 17 years with him. I think it came out wrong like its all over now. But I just meant that I really do love the 17 years we've had together. I would never have planned it this way, and yet we have been through so much and grown in so many ways, that I wouldn't trade it! I feel more ready now than ever! And we are getting more and more excited with each passing day. It puts a never ending smile on my face every time Sean shares his excitement with me. Ohhhhhhh.... trying to be patient. We just can hardly wait to hold her in our arms!!!!! A few more weeks and then you need to come, little girl!!!!

We're on the home stretch!!!!

Things are getting interesting!! Things I'm feeling are changing, she's changing... I feel she's getting bigger and yet I'm not. So that has been making things interesting especially when I try to go to sleep at night and she decides to do, what feels to me like sommersaults. Its getting waaaay beyond uncomfortable. And shall I mention, since she's doing it right at this very moment, hiccups!! Only a week or so ago, they were small enough to not bother me. But now.... well, they're not small anymore. And she gets them everyday!!! Is that normal?? Poor baby. Sometimes I've been able to rub her (back?) and she'll stop, but not always.

And Sean.... well he's changing too. He's kicking things into gear... finishing up the nursery so we can set up the crib, finishing the bathroom (we have towel bars!!), etc. AND he's putting a stop to me doing any 'projects' I want to do (like today I wanted to wash all the windows inside and out). He told me I have to be bored for the next 5 weeks, I have to take it easy "for real!". I was laughing, but he was not. :) I warned him that there's a nesting phase at the very end so not to get mad at me. lol But there are things that have happened in the last 24 hours that led up to this. Last night, I basically (and quite gracefully I must say) skied down the bottom 6 stairs with a basket of clothes in one hand and a bag of trash in the other. It really was graceful as neither my bum nor my back ever hit the stairs. I simply slipped, or skied, down the stairs in my down boots he bought me for Christmas. I didn't realize how slippery they were until that moment. I finally caught myself by, sort of, landing on the basket with my arm. There was no jolt or bang. So I'm really not worried about myself or baby (although my heel hurts today), but it definitely scared us both. He did, as all caring husbands do, yell at me, in love of course, and then hugged me. I cried, of course. But all is well. And then today, I informed him that ..... and let me warn you this is going to get kind of gross (for any men reading this) ...... I passed some kind of huge gelatinous glob today. I won't go into details but after talking to my sister-in-law and reading online, it definitely could be at least part of my mucus plug. This could mean a variety of things. But it certainly freaked Sean out and I started packing my overnight bag. :-D And let me just take this opportunity to say that packing that bag REALLY hit me in a very weird, reality-check, kind of way. This is freaking for real!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!! We're definitely on the home stretch!! We're definitely having a baby!! I'M definitely birthing a baby! And we're definitely going to be parents. FINALLY!!!!!

The air in the house is getting energetic as we get closer. I can tell things are changing for both of us as we anticipate her arrival. I can hardly wait. Especially now that I'm getting more uncomfortable, more tired and more out of breath. Thank God I only have 2 days of work this week and then 2 days next week and I'm done!!! But even now, its nice to have more time off than normal. Overall I'm still feeling great! I am just anxious to meet our long-awaited daughter, our huge little blessing!

Baby's first visit to the Sock Shop!!!

Just had to post a picture of the socks I bought as our first official tradition of visiting the sock shop in Monterey!!! Can't wait for more socks for the little lovebug and myself!!