need to vent...

I feel like this is the scariest thing I've ever had to look forward to... I'm talking about the labor and delivery.

I just got done at my doctor's appt. First... an update. After 2 weeks of being 1 cm dilated, I am only 1 1/2 cm dilated now and 30% effaced. Guess I was hoping for a little more but then again I still have 2 more weeks.

So then I start asking my doctor questions about what to expect in the hospital with the staff, their routine, etc etc. I know I'll get an IV right away because I tested positive for Group beta strep so I have to get antibiotics. I know I will be monitored but I said I want to move around and get in whatever position is comfortable. He said "for a time, yes". I said I will be bringing my exercise ball and he said that's fine. (but he always seems reserved with anything I say...) I asked him where he stood on induction. He said if nothing is happening he'll induce (as if I have no say in the matter). And that he won't let me go too far beyond my due date. I tried to ask what his definition of "my not progressing fast enough in the hospital" is, but he couldn't really answer because there are too many variables. But still, I got the feeling he would be quick to induce if I wasn't progressing as fast as HE would like. I, on the other hand, want to allow my body to do what it is meant to do... not by man's agenda or protocol. I mentioned that I know labor is much worse with pitocin and he said its not. And I said that's not what I've been told. He said I've been talking to the wrong people. I said these are my friend's stories of what they felt during induction. Then he gave me some reason why it may have been worse. blah blah blah It just seemed that everything I asked him, his answers didn't line up with my real world friend's stories. I know he is the doctor and he's been doing this a long time. I know he is the expert. But he also has never had a baby!!

All this to vent and say... I just feel so out of control. What I want out of this, I don't feel I have much say in the end. I know my body will do what its going to do and I can't fight that. I'm open to change. However, I feel like I'm at the mercy of the medical realm which many times goes against every natural thing on earth. It just seems so scary for me to feel I have no say if things don't go 'perfectly' according to their protocol. I feel like it would be better for me to just give up all my desires for a drug-free, natural birth, get induced, get a epidural and give myself over to whatever they want to do with MY body. Its feels very scary to me to be so out of control. I don't know what to expect. I just feel really overwhelmed and anxious about what lies ahead of me.

And yet I know that GOD is bigger than all of this. I know that HE is in control. I know that nothing will happen unless it is supposed to happen. I know that I need to be "anxious for nothing". But it is just hard. These are only my real feelings, right now, and I needed to vent.