On the other side....

I now find myself on the other side of infertility. Its weird being here because for 10 years I've been on the side of wanting, waiting, envying, worrying, wishing, praying, hoping.... you get my drift. I've heard lately that a few of my friends without children (both trying and not) are already thinking, and worrying, about how this will change our friendship. Oh.... I know that feeling so well. Oh how I dreaded every next announcement that "we're pregnant!". Its the loss of that friend's spontaneity... the loss of undivided attention.... the loss of quick text responses. And as if the usual announcements weren't bad enough, I had to slowly bid bon voyage to my infertility comrades as well, as they, one by one, saw the miracle of parenthood. (not that this was bad. I was more happy for these than any other!) We actually had a fruit of the womb club at one time. There were, I think, 7 of us. And over the years, as one dropped out, there was always another to fill the void. But slowly, even those dropped off until there was only one.... me. All by myself. I was the last of the last. The lonely caboose. But even as I write this I have two beautiful friends who continue to struggle in the desire to have a child. And I find myself at times, feeling so bad... not wanting to make them feel sad... knowing all too well what they are going through and how they may be feeling or thinking. But I know my time has come, as it will for them. It is just so strange to be on 'this side'.

A friend told me today, as I was encouraging her in her journey through infertility, that she was afraid I will forget how it feels as I enter into this long awaited time of motherhood. For certain, I cannot know what to expect nor can I make promises that nothing will change. Every one of my friends swore they wouldn't forget... until the time finally came and they successfully did all the things we hated the most. (i.e. talk about their pregnancy or children for hours while you sat there ready to tear their eyes out. lol) I'm not sure I haven't changed already. Of course I love to talk about my pregnancy. There are so many changes happening all at once. How can I not? And yet I want so badly to be sensitive to my dearest friends. So my prayer has been and will continue to be.... "Lord, please let me never forget the past 10 years of struggle that I have gone through." Oh how I do not ever want to forget! He has had me in a place of encouraging others, even bringing strangers into my life that I may help them along their own journey. What a tremendous blessing it has been for me to use some of the worst moments of my life for HIS glory... and I can only pray that it has been a blessing for those girls as well. No, I don't ever want to forget. It is what has made me into who I am today. God does not waste a single tear we cry but uses it to grow us into beautiful, strong women of faith. Praise God the last 10 years was not for nothing!

So again I say.... "Lord please help me never to forget. Yes things will change. But let me always be a vessel to be used for encouraging, uplifting and building up of my sisters who are still on their own journey!"