Letting Go is hard to do...

9/

9/26/12 (raw...from my journal)

A couple weeks ago I had this thought that maybe I needed to take a break from any connections to California.... calling or texting friends and family, facebook, etc.  I was overwhelming myself with trying to stay in touch and it sounded like a necessity.  But I quickly swiped it away and instead changed how I was trying to stay connected.  (although not much changed).  I mean, how could staying connected be so wrong, right?  Tonight while talking with a friend, on the phone, she said something that struck a cord with me.  I didn't fully catch it in the moment but it wouldn't leave my mind.  It was to put my phone down for a week (and therefore facebook) and (this is the good part) focus my energy on enjoying the newness here with Sean and Emery and focus on the new friendships God is bringing into my life.  hm.  I can't stop thinking about it.  When I told Sean he just threw up his hands in relief.  (oh how many fights could have been avoided if I put my phone away).  I sent her a text and said I was going to try to take her advice.  After this I took my bible study out to the balcony as we're meeting tomorrow and I've not read a word.  The topic?  Letting go.  I prayed that I would not make this message to fit this current situation.  She talked about overprotecting our children and our dreams, visions, etc.  But as I read, and then did the workbook part, I found myself in tears.  I am completely afraid to let go of my life in Cali.  That's my whole life!  The only life I've ever known!  The Lord began showing me this and also that I'm afraid of losing the most important relationships in my life.  I'm afraid they will forget me or, worse, they will think I have forgotten them.  So... I've kept in touch more than ever (in my friend's words... too much).  But it is true.  I'm trying to control what I can't control.  I'm afraid of giving myself over fully to this new life although I know beyond a doubt God has amazing dreams and visions to fulfill in and through us here.  I am truly enjoying each day here, every new place we discover, every new friend I meet.  But I am afraid of letting go.  It is all a process.  And I'm grateful for God being so present in my life right now that He is bringing these things to the surface and spending time on me.  It is what needs to happen because when I let go, then God's full purpose will no longer be squelched, but fully released to happen according to His divine will.   

Today

Well, my effort to step away from facebook didn't last very long.  It's a lot harder than I thought.  But it was yesterday that it all came to a head.  I decided to deactivate my account, for a time.  I doubt it will be permanent.  I mean, truth is, facebook can really be a blessing for keeping people connected.  As long as it's not the only way you stay connected.... because we all know how facebook can be a VERY dysfunctional place to 'live life'.  Things get jumbled and misinterpreted all the time.  And I cannot afford that 1500 miles away.  It is a very false sense of connection.  And right now, I need the real thing.  Both, with my friends back home, and with my new friends here.  So instead of giving energy to 370 friends with a very surface connection, I need to focus that energy, at a much deeper level, on the handful of friends that are willing to live life with me (old and new).  Again, please don't misinterpret that to mean I'm cutting everyone else off.  I don't want that at all!  

I've been grateful for being able to see my family and friend's pictures of them and their families.  What a blessing!  So different from 15 years ago.  Shoot, 20 years ago, we hardly had email! (or at least I didn't!).  But as I go through this process of grieving the past and pushing toward the future, it can sometimes make it difficult to move forward.  In last week's bible study, she talked about the difference of letting go and abandoning. I defined abandoning as to forget and maybe even put to death.  I realized that's what I was struggling with.... I was afraid of abandoning, or feeling abandoned, in my effort to let go.  I was afraid something would die.  But really, letting go is more of a releasing my life of yesterday into the hands of God, and at the same time releasing my future as well.  It opens the way into my life for the Lord to have complete control and do all that He has destined to do!  Praise God!  The friendships that are true and real are not going to change.  They are there to stay.  But I have got to focus my energy on what God has for us here.  I found myself living life (struggling to hang onto my old life) through facebook.  Again, please don't get me wrong, I love seeing everyone there!  And that's why this is so hard.  But I feel I need a clean break.  I know the Lord will show me when it is safe to go back in the water.  :)  Through sobs, I shared these things with Sean last night, made some tough decisions and have a clearer head today.  

One lie the enemy keeps speaking to me is that people will say "well, stop whining, you made your decision to move.  You made your bed, now lay in it".  I truly hope this is a lie from the pit of hell (because that would be just plain hurtful and indicative that they don't know us very well).  Yes, this transition is very hard.  Yes, there are things coming up that we couldn't have prepared for.  But, we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this IS the Lord!  So in my humanness, I struggle through it.  Talking with others who have gone through this very thing, I know all these feelings and emotions are very normal.  Interesting thing though... today I was reading this week's bible study lesson.  And she was talking about a time that she went through.  And at one point she confided in a counseler and expected to hear that everything that she is feeling was completely normal and expected for the situation.  But that's not what she heard.  Instead it turned into months of counseling.  Yes, what she was going through and the feelings that surfaced were very real and normal.  However, it was the underlying issues that were slowly being revealed.  This situation she was in was only serving as a medium to bring these hidden sins and struggles to the surface so she could bring them to the Lord to gain freedom and victory over them!!  WOW!  That instantly struck (another) cord with me!  I fully believe that is part of this process!  I believe God IS doing a HUGE work in me! ... dealing with hurts, pains of the past, strongholds, insecurities, sin....!  Seriously.... if this is the only reason we are here and when its all said and done, He moves us back to Fresno, it will all be worth it!  God is doing a major work in Sean and me both!  I have only touched on a small part of it here.  (Mainly because I'm just bad about getting it all written down in the moment, that when I do sit down, the gist of it is gone)

So there it is.  That's where I am.  Today.  Tomorrow, it may be a whole other story. lol  But that is the fun of it, right?  You never know where God will take you, or which enemy you'll confront next.  But I'm open and willing for God to do all that He wants!

Happy Birthday Sean!!!

Last night we went out for Sean's birthday to Red Hot and Blue BBQ.  It was really good food however the atmosphere was not quite what I was hoping for.  But we had a great time with our friends, Steve and Tyranie and Luke and Kathy and their families.  We sat over dessert and talked about the transition of moving somewhere new.  Steve and Tyranie just moved here from Fresno 18 months ago, so it is still fresh, but they are finally getting to that place of feeling like this is home, so they are understanding and give us hope as well.  Luke and Kathy moved back here (been here before) from Fresno a couple years ago.  They have moved many times as he worked to become a doctor and so they are very understanding and also have tremendous experience as well.  It felt really good to just open up and vent about all my weird, unexpected feelings, thoughts and emotions I've been having.  I stopped at one point and thought I better tone it down because I didn't want to offend anyone here.  And then I realized I was in the presence of fellow Fresnans, not home grown Texans.  Aaaaahhhhh....  Not that I was saying anything horrible, but just some personal hangups I've been having, which I attribute solely to the grieving process of letting go of my old life in Fresno and all that it means (and that's a whole other post!).  God has been so faithful and good to give us these friends who are so ready and willing to be here for us through this transition.  I could never imagine if God would have opened up any of the other positions Sean applied to in other states.  It would have been terrible!  All this to say.... I realize it is a wave of emotion.  And I'm holding on for the ride!  I know it will calm and the sun will come out.  There is hope.  Again, for all you who may be wondering, we do not regret our decision to move out here and we have no doubt God Himself made the way for us.  Just a season of turning the page in this next chapter of our lives.  It's a work in progress!

 (most of us) at Red Hot and Blue BBQ!

(from left... Zach, Steve, Tyranie, Kathy, Meagen(the littlest), Hannah (in front), 

Madeline, Elizabeth, Emery and Sean)

me being a goof... of course! lol 

The guys hanging out

Now.... because this is MY blog... I can show off my creative baking! ;-)  So... I insisted on making Sean desserts from scratch.  On Thursday, I went to Kathy's (on left) house and while Emery napped, we got to baking.  She lent me her recipes and the use of her kitchen.  We worked together to make these scrumptious desserts.  Friday night after dinner, we returned to Kathy's house and they both helped me finish the desserts, garnish and plate! Great work girls!! 

 Me and my sous chefs!

* Coconut cream pie in a homemade graham cracker crust 

with homemade whipped cream and toasted fresh coconut

* Chocolate sour cream cheesecake on a homemade graham cracker crust with homemade raspberry reduction, fresh raspberries and shaved dark chocolate and mint to garnish

And best of all.....  the Love of my life!!!! 

Happy birthday Babe!!!  I am so honored to share this time of our lives together!

Ramblings of a transplant

note... if you're new to reading and following my blog, I wanted to post here my email address to keep in touch! I love you all!  It is amikens@sbcglobal.net.  For the honest story of how things have been going since we moved, go back to the beginning of Aug. :)  Glad you're joining me on our adventure!

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Gosh, I hate when two weeks go by and I don't post anything.  Its so hard to remember what has transpired.  But I suppose, nothing really exciting. :)  Work has been just okay.  I'm getting the hang of everything and some people are starting to warm up to me more.  So I guess in that sense it's getting better.  But it is still a foreign place to me.  Some days I wish I could just go back to my old job where there was a strong sense of comfort and fitting in.  You know the kind... when you can sit with your best friend, not talking, doing your own things, for hours and it's totally okay?  That kind of comfort.  I know it will come, but I'm just really impatient.  

However I have met some really great women!  I'm getting to know the women in my bible study group more every week.  The time we share has been getting richer and richer as we dive deep into each other's lives and into what God is saying to each of us.  It's wonderful to see us all open up with some very vulnerable areas, and receive from each other.  What a blessing.  But as I leave and the weeks goes on, I realize I'm not living out what I'm learning.  God is teaching me, and instilling some deep Truths in me, and He has been showing me that I need, more than ever, to apply those to my daily life.  It's been great. 

Life at the bluffs (what I'm going to call my apts! lol) has been wonderful.  I was just thinking today that this apt is one thing that keeps me sane.  It really feels like home and it's all we could ask for.  If I was going through this transition in a dumpy apt, I think I would  lose my mind! lol

above and below... we went for a walk to get the mail, put our feet in the pool
and then hung out at the bbq area

She's getting so big!

I've been thinking about starting to potty train Emery.  I figured having it around, letting her get used to it, starting to get into a habit of 'going pee pee on the potty' before and after naps, etc. would be a great place to start.  So.... here we go!   But wouldn't you know it, the second day she had it, daddy sat her on it while I was at work, and she pee'd!!  Of course she hasn't done it since.  I suppose it will be a marathon, not a sprint.

Emery with her new potty!!

I've had the opportunity to get out with a couple new girlfriends lately.  Kari, from bible study, introduced Emery and I to this beautiful (and I mean BEA-U-TIFUL!... nothing like I'm used to!) trail system in Keller.  We've gone on a couple walks with the mindset to start running.  She also has a 16 mo who, I swear, is Emery's twin!  The following pics are from our walk on the trail system starting at Bear Creek Park in Keller.  Kari took me here twice and we did a 4 and 2 mile walk.  I also took Sean here finally!

This land here was donated by the owner of the land strictly
for the trail (up to the fence)!  Awesome!

Emery chillin at Bear Creek!

Our trip to Bear Creek for a family walk!  We did 1 mile... Emery too (well, mostly)!

This is part of that man's land (up to the fence was donated)... beautiful!

daddy and daughter out for a stroll!

Yep! SO worth the wait!

Kristin, from work, took me to Arlington, to the River Legacy Park, to go cycling.  I was so excited given that I've only been on my bike once in the last 2 years!  This park is the same idea as Woodward Park, but on crack!  The trail system we rode was 7 miles one way!  We saw a bobcat, a very healthy size snake!, lots of crickets and bugs and... an Armadillo!!!  (Now I know I'm in Texas!!)  We had a great time!

Oh what a beautiful sight it is!

Kristin (in pic, from work) took me to Legacy River Park in Arlington. 

We did a 14 mile bike ride.

Here's the Armadillo!!!  By this point I just had to stop and take a pic!

Last Friday I got home from work and decided we just HAD to go to Joe T Garcia's for dinner!  I've been waiting patiently ever since we got here.  The food is good, not great.  But it is the atmosphere that is so amazing!  This place started with a restaurant, added a patio and then kept adding onto the patio until it was an entire block long!  From the outside it looks like nothing.  It is near the Stockyards near downtown Fort Worth.  It's in the middle of nothing.  But then you walk in and you feel like you are in the Mexican Riviera!! (okay, so I've never been so I really wouldn't know, but it does feel like a mexican paradise!)  I heard it seats 1600 people!!!!!  It's lush and green with tons of beautiful plants and fountains.  We will take all of you here when you visit!!  ;-)  It was really fun to get out for the evening.  We actually haven't done that much since being here.  So it's a real treat!  And so good for us!

On the patio at Joe T Garcia's!

First full mexican dinner?  I think so!

This past week, we think Emery caught some viral thing that's going around.  On Wednesday, I met Sean at an automotive shop to drop off his car.  He had to wake Emery up from her nap early to meet me.  I transfered Emery to my car and she was awake, but really out of it.  We drove to Sean's allergist and I decided to stay in the car with Emery since she was still "sleeping".  We sat there for about 15 min and then I got her out and let her walk around a bit.  I noticed she felt warm but I thought maybe it was from sitting in the car.  She enjoyed walking around but wasn't acting herself.  We waited another 15 min before Sean came out and we headed home.  She perked up a tiny bit but was still pretty quiet.  When we got home, I got her out of the car and she was burning up!  She had a 102.5 temp!  I stripped her and gave her Tyl.  By now she was crying and really whiney.  We sat with her and within 20 minutes she wanted down and was playing and acting kind of normal.  But one thing I've learned with kids is they are resilient.  And when they want to play, they play.  And then the "not feeling good" kicks in again.  She ended up running a fever (I didn't let it get that high again though!) for the next two days.  She would hardly eat although she kept drinking okay and was having wet diapers.  We treated her with baths and tylenol.  She was finally fever free and eating in time to celebrate Sean's birthday with our friends last night.  Whew!  She's doing great now!  

Emery with an undetected (at this point of the pic) 102.5 temp. :(  

The following pics are from church.  There is this the inside play area near the nurseries.  I always take her here after bible study, on Tuesdays.  She loves it!

Yes, she actually walked UP the slide! (not all the way of course)

One last, sweet pic.  I took this at Kathy's house. :)

Emery is becoming a little (actually HUGE) chatter box!  

I think it sounds something like a chinese yodeler! I love it!!!

God is SO good and faithful!!!

The past week has been really good.  Far better than the previous week as I struggled through the subtle, subconscious feelings of loneliness and melancholy.  We've been trying to decide which church campus we want to go to.  Gateway is much like The Well in that it is a multi-campus church.  We loved the Southlake campus, but it is 25 min away and we won't be able to go with our friends anymore on Saturday night because Sean works.  So we tried out the NRH campus which is only 12 min from us.  We liked it, but we are less likely to get a "live" sermon versus Pastor Robert preaching live.  So, Sean wanted to try Southlake again this past Sunday.  We asked around and it seems Pastor Robert usually preaches "live" at least half the time at the 9:00am service.  That was worth the drive for Sean.  But God had other plans for our time there Sunday.  And it didn't take us long to realize that that's the campus we're supposed to be at.  We just feel more at home there even though it is bigger.  That service was the first time, since we've been here, that I could 100% enter into worship and the message without being distracted by everything around me, checking everyone out (worship team, leaders, pastor, etc) and questioning their every move.  I've found it's this way for at least a month every time we have changed churches... from the Well to People's to, now, Gateway.  It's normal to question everything until you come to know the heart of the people and the church and can respect and trust it.  But this church, I'm finding quickly, is solid.  So.... after church Sean says "Let's go to the Guest Services" (I'm thinking... ok, there's coffee and snacks!).  Even after a month, we hadn't been yet.  I was my normal skeptical self thinking "what? like we're going to magically meet new friends there?".  (God help me!... lol... I can be so "glass half empty" sometimes)  The first lady greeted us.  Then we walked on and another guy introduced himself.  He said he was the Men's Pastor.  I said "Great! He needs to meet you!".  lol  We quickly learned they are friends with our friends, Luke and Kathy, and we later realized this was the same couple that Luke and Kathy wanted to connect us with.  Awesome how God works!  Out of a couple thousand people, and we meet them!  They're Todd and Debbie and Debbie and I quickly hit it off.  We talked for a half an hour and agreed to meet for coffee by the end.  During this, the two people that led worship walked up and started talking with all of us as well.  They are married and it was under their leadership that I just felt so at home and could enter into worship.  They were wonderful to get to know as well.  As Debbie and I talked, Sean continued walking around meeting more people (he's really become the social butterfly!)  When Todd found out he is looking for a new job, he invited him to the Thursday morning men's prayer and breakfast.  He said there are a ton of connections there and he would get him connected and find him a job!  THEN... Sean meets a couple that recently moved here from Bakersfield and it's his job to help place people in jobs!!!!   It's crazy how God works!  I thought, even if nothing comes out of this specific meeting, it still placed, in us both, a hope and faith and a reminder that God IS in control and He DOES have a plan for Sean and for us and is working it out!  Thank you Jesus!

Well Sean went to that prayer time this morning, and though I can hardly tell all the details the way he did, it was an awesome time!  He said there were 40-50 guys there that were so solid and hungry to dive into more of God!  The worship and prayer time was awesome!  He said every guy there was so genuine and eager to meet and fellowship with each other, and especially the 'new guy'.  A couple guys talked extensively with him about jobs and such.  He is really excited, not only for the connections made, but also the way God ministered to him this morning and the words God spoke to him.  It made me excited all over again for what God has in store for us!  I won't lie, it's been tough.  With the change and minimal friend connections and dealing with new jobs and it being so tight financially, you begin doubting if you were right in coming.  But God keeps telling me not to doubt.  I have total peace that we are where God wants us.  HE led us here.  HE made the way.  We have been constantly reminded week after week that we are to trust Him.  It seems every Sunday, the theme of worship for me has been trust.  This last Sunday morning God really ministered that trust to me and gently convicted me that I've been trying to do it in my own strength.  From my marriage to my parenting to my job, finances, friends and spiritual life.  But I'm to lean on Him and trust Him and allow Him to provide in every way we need.  I can hardly wait to see all that God has for us.  It may takes months, years or decades, but I will wait in anticipation!

On another note.... we drove to Decatur today so I could, finally, get my Texas driver's license!  We got the inside scoop to drive 40 min and have a painless (even enjoyable) experience  at the DPS (DMV).  It was a beautiful drive actually!  Green, rolling hills the whole way.  It was raining by the time we got there. 

 I was excited for this day but so sad because I've had THE BEST license picture for 10 years!  And I had to hand it over today.

See what I mean??? hehe

Well, it's official, I'm finally a Texas resident!  And although the picture turned out pretty good, and I thought my hair looked great, I have a bob in the picture.  It was excruciating when I saw that.  :$  A bob.  I hate bobs!  Oh well.... I'm stuck with it until I die!  lol   We had a great time talking during the drive and Emery did great as well! Whew!  Now, both of my babes are napping and I have a quiet house to myself.  It's overcast and rainy outside and I'm still sipping my toffee nut latte.  However, although it's kind of cool, it's humid.  But I just pretend like I'm in Hawaii because that's exactly what it feels like!  It's very tropical!.... yep... I got my bikini on, swinging in a hammock between two palm trees, sipping a mai tai, listening to the ocean waves... oh wait that was the train going by.  Oh well, I try.  lol   

Emery is doing great!  We just put two and two together last night that she and sugar do NOT do well together!  Although I've tried really hard to keep sugar away as long as possible, I've begun to relax a little.  Well she loves frosted mini wheats, and I bought a box at Costco.  For me, they are the best because they have the BEST coverage of frosting.   But for her, I pick out the ones with the least amount or I bite off the frosting.  Well, Sean did not know that and gave it to her yesterday, frosting and all.  He said she was a little punk and was super mean all morning!  We thought back and I think he is right!  (I had to tell him the 'right' way to give her those... lol)  So no more sugar for her!  I'm back to being strict!  Oh... some of you think, "what? sweet little Emery? mean? noooo....".   Yeeeeesssss!!!!!   When she doesn't like something I tell her, she will stand there, look me straight in the eye, and start to pinch my arm or leg while she grits her teeth.   Oh HECK NO sister!!!  That is an immediate time out!  (which is working pretty well, by the way)

I took two videos (of which I cannot upload, of course).  One is her taking up the drums!  She's got more rhythm on those than I do and I'm not even joking!  The other is her dancing with Elmo!  She is seriously musically inclined!  Sorry to tease you but I had to mention these as they were really cute!!!  hehe

 My friend, Kathy, and I potted some plants for my balcony!

 We finally got a TV!!!  It has been SO hard without one now that we have a baby and can't do anything at night AND everything else in our life is crazy.  Feels good to have some kind of normal again.  Football!!!!

These are Emery's art from the past three weeks.  The one in the middle is obviously my favorite!
Gateway has the most awesome childcare during our bible study on Tuesday mornings!!  She can be there from 9:30 until 1:00 if we choose to go to lunch afterward.  I pack her a lunch and they have lunch time at 11:30.
They have an entire curriculum for 18 month olds!!!!!.

I LOVE MY FAMILY!!
(Please forgive the quality of the pic. I had to take a picture of the computer screen. haha)
And I just wanted to share this family picture.  It's taken me 4 years to fully accept my new family.  There were many obstacles for me too overcome.  But in the months leading up to us moving, God really changed my heart and grew my relationship with Sherril, my step-dad's wife.  Although I have always really liked her and enjoyed being around her, I naturally had a difficult time fully accepting her and her family into mine.  But I am proud to say this is my family.  All of them.  It's beautiful, really.  The way God can restore and make new.  I am incredibly grateful.  This was taken at Sherril's son's wedding.  

From left... Joshua (nephew), me and Emery, Jordan (nephew), Chuck (my step-dad), Terry (brother), Sherril, Renee (sister-in-law...Terry's wife), Milena (new sister-in-law), Brandon (Sherril's son and step-brother), Kevin (brother... Chuck's son), Chris (brother...Chuck's son), Melissa (my sister-in-law... married to Chris), Brian (Sherril's son and step-brother)

Big city Uptown to small city downtown...

On Labor Day, we both had the day off and so decided to have a day trip into Dallas.  We needed a destination so we picked the new location for Trader Joe's.  It was in this very old, very quaint area of Dallas.  It reminded us a lot of a Tower District kind of area.  A little shady to the untrained eye, but kind of cool too.  Definitely potential.  Next we drove toward the high rise buildings until we found something that looked worth stopping for.  Well, since Emery was getting restless and cranky, we stopped at the first park we found, Robert E. Lee Park in Uptown Dallas.  It was beautiful.  Check it out!

This was THE biggest starbucks I've ever heard of or been in.  It was enormous!!!

Today I wanted to do something fun for me and Emery (okay... for me... with Emery... lol).  I had been told that there was an Ooh La La here in Grapevine.  That is the store that I left behind in Fresno.  It was where I did most of my clothes shopping.  I was so sad to leave it, but then excited to hear there is one here!  So that was our destination today.  Plus, we would get to check out, and stroll around, historic downtown Grapevine.  Well, after attempting to take the freeway route, only to end up in horrific traffic, fight with a phone that was not working, and deal with an already crying baby in the back seat, I was about ready to lose my mind.  I was definitely on the brink.  It was not one of my prouder moments.  But we finally made our way, via surface streets, to Grapevine.  We ended up having a super fun time exploring the many shops, talking to people in each one, and milling around the farmers market.  It was a hot one today, but it felt great to be out and about!  We ended up in a deli, Weinberger's, for the most amazing sandwich!!!  We ate, I let Emery walk off some energy, and then we headed home.  We were out for a few hours.  She slept all the way home and I got some quiet time at home for a bit.  It was so much fun!

Um... yes please!  We're going!

To my dismay, this was NOT the same store as I had in Fresno.  I was so sad... :'( It was more older lady clothes with a few cute sweaters and Miss Me jeans.  But definitely not a store full of young high fashion!

We've been doing well lately.  A few bumps, but no bruises.  Sunday we visited the NRH Gateway campus for church.  It is only 8 min from our home rather than the usual 30 min to the Southlake campus.  They took over a grocery store, so that's basically what it looks like from the outside, but from the inside they transformed it.  It was a smaller campus.  We liked it, but we haven't made a decision yet.  Personally, I felt a little more 'at home' at the bigger campus, as weird as that is.  But we would definitely run into people more at the NRH campus if we stay and start meeting people.  Anyway...  I'm rambling now.  But that's the update on that.

Jobs are going good.  I'm feeling a little more comfortable in my new OR setting.  I think people are warming up to me a tiny bit more.  I'm so impatient.  I want them to like me NOW!  lol  

Emotionally, I'll be honest, it's getting harder.  The longer I'm here, the more I miss the familiar back home.  Number one, my friends and family.  But even my old OR, friends at work and the comfort of that.  My church, pastor and his wife, who I had made friends with.  (OH, how I miss them!).  So, it's hard.  Some days I just want to pull away and not see anyway (on facebook) or take any phone calls or text anyone.  Maybe it would help, but maybe it wouldn't.  I've never done this before, so I just don't know.  Sometimes I feel I'm holding on to what was.  And to some extent, there might be truth in that, and the Lord has new things in store.  So I know I'll need to let go, not to ignore or forget, but to release to the Lord what is His and simply open myself up to what He has anew.  My relationships are forever, so I can rest in that.  

Although Sean and I went into this knowing it wasn't going to be easy, that we would face loneliness, doubt and some tough moments, we still couldn't completely prepare ourselves for it.  So it doesn't take me by surprise, but I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.  And that is where God wants me... coming to Him, relying on Him and seeking His face.  That is what this is all about.  God is doing good things.  And I'm excited to see what's next!