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9/26/12 (raw...from my journal)
A couple weeks ago I had this thought that maybe I needed to take a break from any connections to California.... calling or texting friends and family, facebook, etc. I was overwhelming myself with trying to stay in touch and it sounded like a necessity. But I quickly swiped it away and instead changed how I was trying to stay connected. (although not much changed). I mean, how could staying connected be so wrong, right? Tonight while talking with a friend, on the phone, she said something that struck a cord with me. I didn't fully catch it in the moment but it wouldn't leave my mind. It was to put my phone down for a week (and therefore facebook) and (this is the good part) focus my energy on enjoying the newness here with Sean and Emery and focus on the new friendships God is bringing into my life. hm. I can't stop thinking about it. When I told Sean he just threw up his hands in relief. (oh how many fights could have been avoided if I put my phone away). I sent her a text and said I was going to try to take her advice. After this I took my bible study out to the balcony as we're meeting tomorrow and I've not read a word. The topic? Letting go. I prayed that I would not make this message to fit this current situation. She talked about overprotecting our children and our dreams, visions, etc. But as I read, and then did the workbook part, I found myself in tears. I am completely afraid to let go of my life in Cali. That's my whole life! The only life I've ever known! The Lord began showing me this and also that I'm afraid of losing the most important relationships in my life. I'm afraid they will forget me or, worse, they will think I have forgotten them. So... I've kept in touch more than ever (in my friend's words... too much). But it is true. I'm trying to control what I can't control. I'm afraid of giving myself over fully to this new life although I know beyond a doubt God has amazing dreams and visions to fulfill in and through us here. I am truly enjoying each day here, every new place we discover, every new friend I meet. But I am afraid of letting go. It is all a process. And I'm grateful for God being so present in my life right now that He is bringing these things to the surface and spending time on me. It is what needs to happen because when I let go, then God's full purpose will no longer be squelched, but fully released to happen according to His divine will.
Today
Well, my effort to step away from facebook didn't last very long. It's a lot harder than I thought. But it was yesterday that it all came to a head. I decided to deactivate my account, for a time. I doubt it will be permanent. I mean, truth is, facebook can really be a blessing for keeping people connected. As long as it's not the only way you stay connected.... because we all know how facebook can be a VERY dysfunctional place to 'live life'. Things get jumbled and misinterpreted all the time. And I cannot afford that 1500 miles away. It is a very false sense of connection. And right now, I need the real thing. Both, with my friends back home, and with my new friends here. So instead of giving energy to 370 friends with a very surface connection, I need to focus that energy, at a much deeper level, on the handful of friends that are willing to live life with me (old and new). Again, please don't misinterpret that to mean I'm cutting everyone else off. I don't want that at all!
I've been grateful for being able to see my family and friend's pictures of them and their families. What a blessing! So different from 15 years ago. Shoot, 20 years ago, we hardly had email! (or at least I didn't!). But as I go through this process of grieving the past and pushing toward the future, it can sometimes make it difficult to move forward. In last week's bible study, she talked about the difference of letting go and abandoning. I defined abandoning as to forget and maybe even put to death. I realized that's what I was struggling with.... I was afraid of abandoning, or feeling abandoned, in my effort to let go. I was afraid something would die. But really, letting go is more of a releasing my life of yesterday into the hands of God, and at the same time releasing my future as well. It opens the way into my life for the Lord to have complete control and do all that He has destined to do! Praise God! The friendships that are true and real are not going to change. They are there to stay. But I have got to focus my energy on what God has for us here. I found myself living life (struggling to hang onto my old life) through facebook. Again, please don't get me wrong, I love seeing everyone there! And that's why this is so hard. But I feel I need a clean break. I know the Lord will show me when it is safe to go back in the water. :) Through sobs, I shared these things with Sean last night, made some tough decisions and have a clearer head today.
One lie the enemy keeps speaking to me is that people will say "well, stop whining, you made your decision to move. You made your bed, now lay in it". I truly hope this is a lie from the pit of hell (because that would be just plain hurtful and indicative that they don't know us very well). Yes, this transition is very hard. Yes, there are things coming up that we couldn't have prepared for. But, we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this IS the Lord! So in my humanness, I struggle through it. Talking with others who have gone through this very thing, I know all these feelings and emotions are very normal. Interesting thing though... today I was reading this week's bible study lesson. And she was talking about a time that she went through. And at one point she confided in a counseler and expected to hear that everything that she is feeling was completely normal and expected for the situation. But that's not what she heard. Instead it turned into months of counseling. Yes, what she was going through and the feelings that surfaced were very real and normal. However, it was the underlying issues that were slowly being revealed. This situation she was in was only serving as a medium to bring these hidden sins and struggles to the surface so she could bring them to the Lord to gain freedom and victory over them!! WOW! That instantly struck (another) cord with me! I fully believe that is part of this process! I believe God IS doing a HUGE work in me! ... dealing with hurts, pains of the past, strongholds, insecurities, sin....! Seriously.... if this is the only reason we are here and when its all said and done, He moves us back to Fresno, it will all be worth it! God is doing a major work in Sean and me both! I have only touched on a small part of it here. (Mainly because I'm just bad about getting it all written down in the moment, that when I do sit down, the gist of it is gone)
So there it is. That's where I am. Today. Tomorrow, it may be a whole other story. lol But that is the fun of it, right? You never know where God will take you, or which enemy you'll confront next. But I'm open and willing for God to do all that He wants!
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