Happy 1st Birthday Emery!!!!!

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY 

MISS EMERY ROSE!!!!!

I can't believe an entire year, her first year, has come and gone.  And it is only getting better!  Emery is growing and her little personality is exploding!  We were just talking about how, literally, every day she is changing.  Our friends keep telling us it only gets better from here and we can already understand what they mean.  These pictures, above, show just how she has gone from a little baby to, now, a little girl (although still a baby!).  She is just so precious.  And she is hilarious!  Although she can be a bit shy and quiet around people.  But get her warmed up and set her down on the floor and she's off and crawling and talking and laughing!  What a beautiful year it has been, with all its lessons and growth spurts (for mommy and daddy included) and long nights and short days.  

So worth the wait!

We had such a fun two days!  Friday was her birthday.  And so we got ready early and took her to Batterup for breakfast.  One year ago we were supposed to have a breakfast date there and Miss Emery decided to make her entrance two weeks early.  So we made it up every Thursday after that on her 1, 2, and 3 week bdays!  It was only appropriate we go there for her one year.  (we shared this with the owner, only to remind him that it was also HIS one year anniversary!  lol  .... he had a hard week and had forgot. :(  Well it was awesome because when they brought her a bowl of whipped cream with a candle, everyone in the room sang Happy Birthday to her.  It was so sweet!

I had been working hard all week to have everything done so that I could simply rest and spend her bday with her.  On Tuesday, my friend Kristin came over to help with the bday banner.  Wednesday, Jill came over and we dipped the "ice cream bar" rice krispy treats, oreos and pretzels in chocolate.  And Thursday I worked and then ran errands after work.  But I underestimated the work of throwing such a big party and ended up busting my bootie all day on Friday. (its okay, she didn't know the difference....lol)  In fact I went for 6 hours straight that night decorating and finishing my projects (picture banner "A year in the Life of Emery", birthday banner, porch decor, 50 balloons....)  And I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I had planned to fall asleep watching a movie (27 dresses) on the couch.  But at 1:15, with Sean next to me on the couch, I knew I was finally tired and we went to bed.  ZZZZzzzzzzz.......

Saturday morning was relaxed as I spent time with Emery.  And then as soon as she was down for her nap, it was on again!  She slept until just after 1pm once people began arriving.   She got her full 2 1/2 hour nap! Whew!  She's gonna need it!

 

 Prep work!

EMERY IS ONE!!

Plum Crazy Cake Co.!!!

A year in pictures!

My grand piano became the gift table

Emery welcomed guests at the front door! :) (only one of many of my projects!)

chocolate covered oreos... yum!

Evan and Ryan celebrate Emery's bday with her!  (soooo adorable! as always)

This was only half of the family and friends who came to celebrate

 The cake!!!

So it was time to do the cake.  And while a friend went to go get a lighter for the candle, we went ahead and sang happy birthday to Emery.  It was so sweet.  She began to pick around on the frosting.  Then the candle was lit, and with daddy sitting right there and mommy behind the camera lens, she went for the flame!  Daddy blew it out right in time.  But not before there was a loud gasp, as one voice, from everyone in the room.  

.... and then it started.... she began to cry....

and cry....

and cry..... :(

Finally, Sean took her outside where she continued to sob.  (he shared with me later that this gave him a very special daddy moment)  She didn't actually touch the flame, so I know she wasn't hurt.  But I can't tell you how bad I felt.  Not so much in the moment, but for the rest of the weekend.... as I sat in church, laid in bed at night, stared at a wall at work.  I was haunted with the thought that I wanted that candle and I had everyone's eyes on me, thinking "how dumb is she!".  Ok.... I KNOW that is not what they were thinking, but the enemy is quick to fill your mind with lies.  I'm over it now.  I relunctantly watched the video and it wasn't as bad as I remember.  So I'm good.  But I was sad that it kind of ruined the cake eating moment. But when she was settled, I brought her back in, sat her on my lap with the cake on the tray and she continued to eat the frosting.... now with less people in the room and not being the total focus (less stressful that way). 

It was so sweet as she fed me 3 bites of her cake. :)

she was delicate about it :)

Mr. Bubble Guppy didn't stand a chance!

 Family!!!

Our family is so special to us!  We had only half of our family here because a couple of my brothers live out of town. (although I know they would have been here if they could've)  But the others came along with her cousins and grandpas and celebrated with us. Also my spiritual mom, Dorene, was also there as Emery's Grandma!   I know they all have been waiting for this day as much as we have.  It was a super special day for all of us!!!

Papa (my dad) and Grandpa (Sean's Dad) love their little Emery!!

Cousins!!!!  I love these kids!

Uncle T and Auntie Nae Nae & Uncle Chris and Auntie Mawissa!

... and my spiritial mommy, Emery's Grandma Dorene!! 

This mommy really is such a blessing!  It is more amazing that anything I could have imagined!  Also been harder than I ever imagined.  But it is awesome!  Everyday she is a blessing to me.  God has definitely filled our cup to overflowing!  THAT is His love for us!

I think I was pinching myself all day both of these days!  It really is so surreal.  In some ways, I think, in the back of my mind, I felt like a nanny the first year.  But throwing MY child's first birthday party was VERY surreal!!!  I mean, I, ME, I get to throw birthday parties for MY CHILD every year from here on out!  I HAVE A CHILD!!!!  lol (yes WE have a child.  But for the sake of this post, this is me sharing MY experience. :))   I don't know that I can explain what is in my mind and on my heart, but it is just amazing to me.  Surreal is the word! (I know... I keep saying that word! but it is the perfect word!)  I just kept thinking my daughter is One Year!  Not just a baby anymore.  But becoming a little girl... almost a toddler.  Soon she's going to be running from me!  Honestly a year ago, all I could enjoy was the moment because I couldn't grasp the fact that she wasn't going anywhere.  She is a life long blessing!  I couldn't see past a week or a month.  But here we are!  

SHE'S ONE!!!!!  

Praise you Jesus! 

 To Whom all glory and honor and praise are due!!!!

Blow Kisses! and other favorites....

Blowing kisses... It's her newest thing!  

She'll blow many at once

 if you're lucky!  

Waving hello and goodbye

 is becoming another norm for her.... 

The cutest thing is she waves goodnight to daddy 

as we head up stairs.  

So now, as we head up to bed, she even waves 

when no one else is around to wave back.  It's adorable! 

 We're trying to teach her some signs 

but the only one she's got down is

 "all done" 

when she's done eating her food. 

 I try to respect this 

unless its only after a few bites. lol  

She LOVES kissing her boys, 

Evan and Ryan.  

Although Evan better sit up and take notice

 that Ryan is getting the majority of her attention these days. 

 Lil' Evan is being a little too shy, 

sitting by and watching. 

But he needs to make his move!  

Luckily its not just the boys she loves to kiss.  

She's loves kissing mommy and daddy too!  

Somedays we're lucky and

 she's all kisses.  

Other days you can't get one out of her!  

Some new things we're working on 

are finger foods, 

sippy cup (with water) 

and holding her bottle.  

Recently I all of the sudden thought

 "you are almost one year old and you don't hold your own bottle".  

So we've been working with her.  

Now I hold it in front of her until she grabs it 

and puts it in her mouth.  

This did not go over well 

with our lil' Miss the first couple days.  

She would sit there with her arms to her side, 

and start to grunt, 

then whine,

 then to an all out cry! 

 I was like "really?".  

After a little encouragement and help,

 she would hold it. 

 Now she is getting better 

and actually reaching for it herself 

and putting it in her mouth. 

 I'm such a proud mommy!  

:)  

So luckily this is carrying over to the sippy cup 

which she is still getting used to. 

 And she loves her finger foods!....

 turkey, avocado, 

pasta (she ate a full meal straight off my plate the other night 

of lasagna and garlic bread!), 

toasted bread with cream cheese (yes, trying to fatten her up), 

hummus... just to name a few!  

Her newest thing is dancing!  

She'll start be-bopping 

where she sits when a good tune comes on.  

And according to Sean, 

the rockier, the better!  

Her favorite cartoon?  

Bubble Guppies!!!!  

It's awesome!.... 

I will start to sing the song

 and her little face lights up, 

she smiles real big 

and then turns to the TV and stares, 

waiting for it to turn on.  

And there's no stranger danger

where Emery is concerned!

She's a little social bug!

Although I've noticed...

she's so used to playing alone at home

that she can be 

pretty independent during playdates.

Especially with all of Evan and Ryan's

awesome toys! 

(they've got great toys!)

But now that the holidays are done,

our weekly playdates will resume!

That's all for now....

It's eleven o'clock...

do you know where your children are?

 I DO!!!!!

I've always wanted to say that! :)

Where has this year gone??

As the One Year mark approaches, I am amazed at all that has taken place over this past year.  Even more, all that has taken place over the last 19 months from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  Our lives were immediately changed and has not been the same since.  I have been in awe of all that God has done in my life... the healing, restoration, the refining and growing.  I've been told in the past that nothing changes you more, nor brings you to your knees more, than being a mom.  I understand this now.  The laying down of all your control as you realize your body is not your own while pregnant, to realizing your life is not your own after she's born, to the humbling feeling of realizing you don't know what you're doing as well as submitting your pride in order for the Lord, and those closest to you, to teach you.  And along with that, the freedom to be who you are and return to your childish side as you laugh and make goofy faces with your baby in the middle of the supermarket.  I have been broken only to be built back up stronger, and more confident, more than once during this past year and a half.  I can only imagine what the Lord will bring over the next 20 years and beyond.  Becoming a parent is definitely hard at times, but then it comes with great blessing.  In the early days, I couldn't handle getting up one more time in the middle of the night, only to melt once again at the first look at her in the morning light.  Then there's teething and colds.  There was a huge adjustment that I wasn't expecting when she began to crawl.  But I conquered even that and now I'm ready for her to start walking (which isn't too far away! She took her first two steps, more than a few times, on Jan 2nd!).  I can hardly believe that her first birthday is upon us.  I lay awake at night thinking about that special day.
I have begun to miss my mom for the first time in 5 years.  In a way, its like she's never been gone.  But now, I need to ask her questions... about myself, her parenting, her advice.  And I can't.  I need my mom more than ever.  And it is a deep anquishing pain that can't be explained.  At times it feels like I'm under water and can't get a breath.  But God is constantly faithful and this feeling is never more than I can handle.  I want to understand why but I know I never will.  And while I miss our moms tremendously, I am simply so grateful for all that they have instilled in us all our lives.  I'm grateful to them for the man and woman of God that we have become.  And I can only hope and pray that we will be that for Emery.

I celebrate this one year mark on so many levels... the obvious, for our miracle, Miss Emery Rose, God's triumph over the infertility, the touch God has had on those around us through our testimony, the deep growth in our marriage and the continued support and encouragement from our family and friends.  I look forward to this next year with great anticipation.  I believe God has so much more in store for us.  We are currently taking steps, as we feel led, and just trying to be obedient even when we don't know the outcome or understand.  But we trust that God has a plan and knows all the details.  We only must listen and follow.

Here's to an amazing year!  The best year yet!  And to many many more!!!!

11 months and on the move!

 Just wanted to post some pics from this past month.  She is still so tiny but is now weighing in at 16 1/2 lbs!  whew!  hehe  I took these pictures after a photo shoot I did of some friends and their puppy.  I couldn't pass up the sunset and the rustic barn!  I loved it!  And with her cute little jean jacket, it was just too perfect.

 Emery is on the move!  She has been crawling for about a month and a half or so.  But she is getting faster everyday.  I don't worry about her too much on the tile anymore, except that she is also very quick at pulling herself up to standing.  And if she is in a sleeper or socks then she is very slippery. So we have to be on high alert.  I've turned around for a second only to find her already standing! yikes!  But she is getting more and more steady, even once standing she will let go and stand there unassisted for a few seconds at a time.  I really have a feeling she may be walking for her first birthday... which would be SO fun!!!  Even this morning at breakfast, she stood up in the booth, stepped up onto my thigh and then crawled up onto the table on her knees to get my phone!  That was a first!  (the gate better go up real quick!!!!)

I haven't shared this with many people.  I guess because its just hard when you are faced with something maybe being wrong with your precious baby.  And just so you know, she is great and healthy.  However, they have been watching her growth patterns.  Her weight has always been in the 5% and has stayed there on her own little curve.  But her height started out at 20th (I think) and over 9 months went all the way down to 5% and even dipped below that.  Which made them think it was nutritional.  So at her 9 month appt, the dr finally sat down and explained to me that he thought she could have Turner Syndrome.  First of all, the last thing a first time mom and pediatric nurse wants to hear is the word "syndrome".  Although there are a lot of worse things out there.  He explained that it basically presents as a short stature of which she would always be.  But the kicker was that it is hormonal and she would likely struggle with infertility.  Again... the last thing a mom wants to hear after going through 11 years of infertility.  So we did the blood test and it came back NEGATIVE!!  I was so relieved.  The dr called me himself and allowed me time to ask questions and talk about the alternatives.  Right now, he's not too worried but will look at her again at her One year appt.  (which I'm sure she will continue to grow as she has been, unless she has a HUGE growth spurt)  At that point he may refer us to an endocrinologist to look at her growth hormones, etc.  The other term he threw out was Constitutional Growth Delay which is a big term for a petite child.  But again, she could have issues with hormones and getting pregnant.  Again, I would take that over a million other things, but its just hard to think your baby could face the same heartbreak you did.  But just as God had a plan for us, He also has a plan for her, so I'm not too worried about it.  Other than that, she is healthy healthy healthy!!!!

Emery and her puppy Maddie hanging out!

 I read a blog about capturing your baby sleeping and I immediately got to work!  

 And here I just had to get some of her in her crib!  I love her crib and bedding and wanted to capture it on film (ok, fine, digital) :)

just a taste of the mischieviousness coming out in her! lol

My first Christmas!!!

Well Christmas was great!  What a blessed day it was.  Although I can't say all the hooplah was there that I had always expected.  But no doubt, I was not disappointed with our first family Christmas.  In fact, thanks to my beloved husband, it couldn't have started out any better.  He woke me up with a hot cup of Peet's coffee, sweetened just the way I like it.  When I came downstairs he already had the fire going and all the Christmas lights on.  It really brought me back to my own childhood memories of Christmas.  Which I must say only added to this day with my own daughter.  We had a few precious moments alone, sipping our coffee in front of the warm fire, before Miss Emery awoke.

And then there were three.....

Miss Em woke up, we fed her and then it was present time!!!  She did pretty well with ripping the paper.  But was honestly bored after the third present.  I bought her clothes and wrapped them in 5 or 6 boxes.  But lesson learned, that will go over better next year! lol  We also bought her a little toy and a big toy.  She loved them both!  Even Maddie got to open her two presents right along with Emery.  It was a family first! :)  Then Sean made breakfast... we ate... and then we all passed out!  Emery for 3 hours and Sean and I for 2 hours.  hehe   It was great!  The afternoon was spent making foods for dinner with the McCarley family (my side).... artichoke dip, sweet potato balls (a yearly demand), and a scrumptious apple crisp that even my cuisine-loving brother complimented (that was all I needed from him for Christmas!... yes even at 38 years old, I still crave my brother's approval).  The evening was spent with my brother and his family (my 3 nephews and niece) and my sister-in-loves parents.  It was a great time spent with family.  

I had so much to be thankful for this Christmas season.  The gift of God's Son and his love for us, all the more evident as I looked into my daughters beautiful blue eyes.  I could have received no greater gift that day. 

 Emery's first tree ornament!

 Just woke up!

 Opening presents with Maddie!

 Presents by the fire :)

 ahhhh.... a few moments alone while the family naps....

Opening her gift with Auntie Nae Nae 

 following in my mommy's footsteps... 

I am now on my 7th day of vacation and have enjoyed it much!  I work this weekend and off all next week as well.  Its been wonderful spending so much time at home.  Yesterday a couple friends came over including, of course, Emery's twin beau-friends!  We had a great time hanging out, sharing baby stories, encouraging and praying together.  I love my friends!  I am so blessed! 

 playdate with the Taylor boys! (looks like Toys R' Us!)

jumping into the middle of them!  you can see who rules here! lol ;)

Last night I had a magnificent idea... to take advantage of Sean being home today and me going out on a ME-date!  So I did!  This morning I left, book in hand, and headed to Starbucks (dang! I just thought of how I should've gone to Piazza del Pane for Peet's!  It definitely would have been more quiet. Next time!).  I'm in the middle of this intense book and looked forward to enjoying one of my favorite pre-baby past times..... sipping a soy latte while reading a great book at the coffee shop!  Except for the crowded shop and all the talking going on around me, it was a great, relaxing time.  (thanks babe!)

Well, I guess that's all for now.... here's a list of what Emery is doing in a nutshell (sorry... I started out the post with this and got side tracked! lol)

* clapping her hands (also when you say "yeah!") * banging toys together 

* pulling up and standing by herself when I'm not looking * standing without 

support for a few seconds * finger foods ... chicken, avocado, pasta, potatoes, 

turkey, crackers, LOVES cheese * lots of new sounds (seems to be new ones 

everyday) * kisses * waving hello and goodbye (she'll wave goodbye as we go 

up the stairs even when no one is in the room) * really interacts with her train

 toy (more than even a month ago) * signs "all done" when finished eating (first sign!) 

* crawls everywhere! * doesn't care that the tile is freezing, but crawls on it anyway 

* loves playing with other babies * likes to share * 

Emery's Dedication!!!!! 12/11/11

Now, enough of that honest, transparency, self-reflective stuff!  Let's get back to Emery and the fun stuff!!!  ;)   (although I'm so relieved to have had dealt with all of this before this wonderful Sunday came!)

This past Sunday we had the honor of dedicating our precious, beautiful, miracle baby, Emery Rose, back to the Lord.  It was an amazing day.  I was so nervous that morning, as if I was going to be performing on stage.  I mean, gosh, People's church is a BIG church!  I would have never dreamed we would be dedicating Emery there.  But in May, we started attending and really enjoy it.  We feel that we are where we are supposed to be!  But that didn't come quickly.

We were actually scheduled to dedicate Emery in October.  But when the time came, Sean voiced that he didn't feel comfortable doing it at Peoples by a pastor we don't know, in front of people we don't know.  You see, we were at Valley Christian Center for over 20 years, and we want to dedicate her there, where everyone knows us and loves us, and has walked through this journey of infertility, and then miracle healing, with us.  But that scenario isn't there anymore.  It made it difficult to feel excited about dedicating Emery there, where we know no one, and they don't know us and Emery's story.  But God likes to take care of all those details.  So a month ago, or so, Pastor Dale, People's head pastor, looked our way before service one morning and said hello.  I boldly waved for him to come talk to us.  When he came to us, I stood up and bluntly told him that we wanted to dedicate Emery and shared how we were feeling.  Interesting thing is, that Sean had been helping him at REI and seeing him at Starbucks the week before.  So he offered to meet with us at Starbucks as we got closer to the day of her dedication.   Last week we met with him and had a wonderful time getting to know him, and he, us, and sharing Emery's story.  Sean continued to see him over the past month, which I really feel was God's way of taking care of Sean's heart (as he was more concerned with having a connection with the pastor that would dedicate his daughter).  God took care of all of it!  Dale did a fantastic job!  And I can only pray that our story touched someone who is in need of a miracle.  (which I was introduced to a girl after church who is going through infertility.  We are going to connect after the holidays!  Thank you Lord!)

The entire morning was awesome!!!  We had over 30 family and friends come for the dedication.  We got there early and saved 3 rows and filled them up!!  It was wonderful having them all around us as we worshipped, heard the Word, and of course, dedicated our daughter.  As soon as he began sharing, I had to fight back the tears with everything in me. But as soon as he began praying, I lost it!!!  I was sobbing.  The reality of this day was and is overwhelming to me.  We have waited so long.  11 years.... but really 17!!  It really felt like the peak of this journey for me.  The final "see, Amy, I did it for you! - God"  moment!  lol  Like the entire last 12 years was summed up in a few minutes and then a prayer.  And even though I only knew a handful of those 1000-some people that day at church, I felt at home.  God is an awesome God!  He takes care of the big things in our lives.... but I think He LOVES taking care of the details that wow us!

For those who don't know what dedication is.... it is not a decision or proclamation of salvation over Emery.  Although, we believe as Christians, that young children, until they are old enough to know and understand the gospel and make a meaningful decision for themselves, would go to heaven if they passed as such an early age.  However, dedication does not mean salvation.  It is simply, mom and dad, dedicating their child back to the Lord.  We believe He has blessed us with the honor of raising up this gift He has given us.  But we know that she belongs to Him.  So we, as parents, commit ourselves to raise her up in the ways of the Lord, teaching her of God's loving sacrifice in Jesus Christ, His Son.  She still will need to make that decision for herself as she gets older.  But it is our responsibility to teach her and instill in her God's purpose and plan for her life (which only He knows).

 "the dress"!!  (after the 2 owned ones didn't fit, I bought 3 more, to finally settle on this one!  Loved it!)

Here with our godsons and their parents, Brent and Lisa, before service

Pastor Dale praying over us and Emery after sharing our story

The following pictures, I took off the video from People's website... Love going to a high tech church!!  lol

 The Noble Fam!

After church, a dozen of us, or so, went to Panera for lunch.  Luckily it was another beautiful California day and we were able to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.  It was a nice time of fellowship.  

 Emery with her beau-friends, Evan and Ryan, at Panera

 She crashed out!!!!!  I didn't even change her diaper or her clothes.  Poor thing was exhausted!

I can't begin to say enough how much it meant to us that our family and friends were there with us. And many more in heart, as well, who couldn't make it.  We feel so loved and we love that Emery's story continues to touch people.  It was a blessed day!!!

You can always watch the video at Peopleschurch.org.   Click on "messages", then video archive and find  "The Gospel According to Christmas (PC2)"  12/11/11  ... not Encounter (that's 3rd service... we won't be there :)   Fast forward to about 37:30.  Enjoy!

Coming to the end of myself.....

 I wanted to add this to the blog post at the end so that it would all make sense. And for my own journaling purposes, that I would have it all in one place.  I'm sure many of you have felt this way too.  I can only hope maybe the Lord can use it to encourage you as well.

So here is the excerpt straight from my journal on Thanksgiving day.  .... in its rawest form.... 

11/24/11

As hard as it is.... today I realized one thing.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  Its been building.  I should've seen it coming.  But I didn't.  And today it slammed me in the face.  Twice, Emery fell over and hit her head while sitting only a foot away from me.  The first time, Sean said nothing.  But the second time, it was no holds barred.  And I don't blame him.  I stood there rocking her in my arms until she stopped crying.  I finally took her outside.  He eventually followed and at first, "started in on me".  But then I began to really listen and he began to talk with me, not at me.  I sat there silent, but my mind was reeling.  I kept thinking "what in the world is wrong with me?".  No matter how much I do try to protect her and think ahead, its still not enough.  Why am I so selfish with my time and space and.... whatever.  Why is she not my number one?  She is, in my heart, but for some reason I don't feel like she is, in reality... in a practical sense.  It makes me feel like I truly have no business being a mom.  As I began to realize my incapabilities, the negative voice came in.  Once I voiced it to Sean, I continued to sit there in silence.  And slowly, the fog began to lift.  And this is what I realized.....

After all these years, even from my teen years, I've prided myself in having what it takes to be a mom.  All I wanted was to be a mom.  I have what it takes. How hard could it be?  I prided myself in being a good babysitter.  And in my adult years, a great auntie.  And the latest.... in being a pediatric nurse of 12 years for goodness sake!!!!  And I knew, it was my fear for years now, that Sean would be better than me.  Although that was not the fear at the forefront of my mind.  But it was sugar coated by a fear that he would "act" like he knew more than me and push his weight around telling me how to do things and instructing and correcting me.  But the fact is..... he does know more than me.  He's geared for this more than I am, simply I believe, because he practically raised his baby brother.  I never did.  Being a woman doesn't make you naturally a good mom.  Babysitting is far different than being a parent.  And I've slowly realized over the past 9 months (only to come to admit it today) that being a peds nurse if faaaaar different from actually caring for a baby day in and day out.  All I do for them is assess them, treat their infections and pain, and maybe change a few diapers.  Sure, I have full capability and experience to save their lives if the need arose.  However, that doesn't help me one bit when it comes to caring for and raising my own little Emery.  Its a harsh reality.  But I truly have no idea what I am doing.  Flags should have been raised a couple years ago when I would babysit my niece and have no idea what to feed her.  I stress every single day on trying to figure out how to nourish Emery.  It is harsh.... It is reality.  And it is time to change.  

I confessed this, first, to Emery.  I apologized for being negligent.  Through tears I confessed all of the above but I promised that I'm going to change.  I am going to lay down my pride in order to learn from Sean, heed his advice, and be as diligent as I possibly can to protect her.... as Sean says, to think 3 steps ahead.  Its just so hard to honestly admit this.  I want to believe I am a good mom and that I am a natural mom.  It is painful, actually. I can't stop crying.  

Confession.... apology.... a promise.   Its the first of many.  Now I just have to find the courage to give it to Sean as well.

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11/26/11

I talked to Sean the same night this all happened.  I knew if I didn't then the chance would be lost and it would probably never happen and the power of this change would cease.  It needed to happen before we went off to sleep.  But it took me until we got into bed.  I shared all of the above with him.  I even touched on the fact that I've been struggling so much with him making me feel less than a good mom.... that if I were not his wife, he wouldn't trust me to babysit his daughter.  But I said I never felt like I was supposed to talk to him about it and now I know why.  Although he made me feel that way, I realize now that I was already feeling bad and insecure because of the things I let happen on my watch.  Putting computer and texting ahead of my own daughter.  I realize I was already feeling guilty about that so when he would come down on me, it made me feel even worse.  But it was right to do so.  I realize that now.  It really was coming to a "you better shape up or..." moment for him.  Neither one of us could understand why I couldn't get it.  He was so relieved that I told him all this.  Yet at the same time, he can trust my words only so far, but he needs to see the change.  I have no doubt that I can and will do that because it HAS to change.  This little girl is learning how to walk and balance and she has no idea what she is doing.  She has no idea the consequences.  I do.  There will come times when she will have to learn lessons on her own.  But I realize now is not that time.  She has no idea and I have to help her and be there for her to protect her.  

It was such a huge relief.  And I see things so differently now.  My mindsest is changed and I have no issue being more on top of things and protecting her.  I also am opening myself up to receive and RESPECT Sean's advice and the fact that he knows a lot about this.  More than I in some areas.  He confessed He knows more in some areas just as I know more than him in others.  We are a team.  I want to be a team.  Its no longer about me.  

I am so relieved and grateful the Lord allowed all of this to come to the surface.  I had no idea how twisted my thinking was.  Thank you Jesus!!!!

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Now, on to today.... 12/6/11

I've been going through so much this past month.  Struggling to no end in my mind.  With insecurities beyond measure!  Thanksgiving day was my coming to Jesus moment.  The moment when I realized I don't know what the heck I'm doing.  I literally broke down emotionally. It did not start out to be a great day.  Its very hard on a woman's pride to realize her husband is better at this parenting thing than she is.    But that was the first piece to the puzzle.  

Last week at bible study, I finally, out of desperation, asked for prayer.  Wasn't even sure if I would know what to tell them to pray for.  But I knew I needed a break through.  Katie said it... Emery is changing fast and therefore my life is changing and I'm not ready yet nor quick enough to keep up.  Parenting was so easy when she was just laying there and taking a bottle every 3 hours.  But now she is moving (more each day) and changing her routine on me and starting to eat foods (of which I'm lost.... but trying to figure it out.... I will proclaim truth in that I have the ability to figure it out!)  I was so looking forward to this time when she is learning so much and becoming a little toddler.  But now I find myself in a fog, and out of control and insecure with my abilities.  I feel I'm juggling so much.  And I know this is not a new concept to the general population.  People do it everyday.  But I'm having a harder time than I thought I ever would.  Then there's the guilt.... I've waited so long for her and I guess I thought it would all come naturally and I would welcome each and every change, good or bad.  But reality is that it is just hard.  Parenting is hard.  No one can really prepare you for that.  And I think the more I can grasp that, the more I will be able to deal with it.  Now, it seems I can hardly get anything done when she's awake.  Where before I prided myself in being able to still do all I needed to.  So I either get stuff done but feel I'm neglecting her, or I spend time with her but neglect my home.

Yesterday at work I felt I was being spiritually attacked.  That the sharing and prayer I received last week didn't get very far.  I was having crazy thoughts that I should just walk away from it all.  (of course I would NEVER do that).  But still the thoughts tormented me.  I finally sent a text to the girls who were there last week and asked for prayer once again.  I believe they did pray because soon after that the tormenting stopped!  Praise God!  Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

Third piece I realized last night..... I decided I would go to bootcamp after work.  I realized that the last 2 months that I have not been able to go, I believe, has added to these feelings.  At least, before, I was taking care of her, but also taking care of me.  Even if it was a simple 2 hours of workout each week.  After the workout last night, I felt so clear in my mind, energized and felt like a different woman.

Things will continue to change.  But I don't want to miss one minute with her.  I took her on a walk to the market today and was thinking how wonderful the Lord is in my life. If he revealed all this to me at once, it would be too much to process.  But he has slowly revealed one thing at a time.  I knows us better than we know ourselves.  I'm sure there is still more.  So I will keep myself open.  On a good note, today was a great day with my baby girl!!!  :)