On the other side....

I now find myself on the other side of infertility. Its weird being here because for 10 years I've been on the side of wanting, waiting, envying, worrying, wishing, praying, hoping.... you get my drift. I've heard lately that a few of my friends without children (both trying and not) are already thinking, and worrying, about how this will change our friendship. Oh.... I know that feeling so well. Oh how I dreaded every next announcement that "we're pregnant!". Its the loss of that friend's spontaneity... the loss of undivided attention.... the loss of quick text responses. And as if the usual announcements weren't bad enough, I had to slowly bid bon voyage to my infertility comrades as well, as they, one by one, saw the miracle of parenthood. (not that this was bad. I was more happy for these than any other!) We actually had a fruit of the womb club at one time. There were, I think, 7 of us. And over the years, as one dropped out, there was always another to fill the void. But slowly, even those dropped off until there was only one.... me. All by myself. I was the last of the last. The lonely caboose. But even as I write this I have two beautiful friends who continue to struggle in the desire to have a child. And I find myself at times, feeling so bad... not wanting to make them feel sad... knowing all too well what they are going through and how they may be feeling or thinking. But I know my time has come, as it will for them. It is just so strange to be on 'this side'.

A friend told me today, as I was encouraging her in her journey through infertility, that she was afraid I will forget how it feels as I enter into this long awaited time of motherhood. For certain, I cannot know what to expect nor can I make promises that nothing will change. Every one of my friends swore they wouldn't forget... until the time finally came and they successfully did all the things we hated the most. (i.e. talk about their pregnancy or children for hours while you sat there ready to tear their eyes out. lol) I'm not sure I haven't changed already. Of course I love to talk about my pregnancy. There are so many changes happening all at once. How can I not? And yet I want so badly to be sensitive to my dearest friends. So my prayer has been and will continue to be.... "Lord, please let me never forget the past 10 years of struggle that I have gone through." Oh how I do not ever want to forget! He has had me in a place of encouraging others, even bringing strangers into my life that I may help them along their own journey. What a tremendous blessing it has been for me to use some of the worst moments of my life for HIS glory... and I can only pray that it has been a blessing for those girls as well. No, I don't ever want to forget. It is what has made me into who I am today. God does not waste a single tear we cry but uses it to grow us into beautiful, strong women of faith. Praise God the last 10 years was not for nothing!

So again I say.... "Lord please help me never to forget. Yes things will change. But let me always be a vessel to be used for encouraging, uplifting and building up of my sisters who are still on their own journey!"

At least we have dessert....

Well today has been a day so far. So many different emotions and weird things today! (sorry... I really didn't plan to write so much. This one is a novel)

Forgetfulness

First, I tell Sean this morning to remember to take the Honda because I need the Expedition. 5 minutes later I walk out the door and take the Honda to my friends to meet her to walk. 5 min after that I get a text from Sean going "I thought....". I'm so retarded! Obviously I blamed it on the pregnancy! (man I'm going to miss that excuse)

Disappointment

Then such a disappointment happened. The other day I won 4 tickets to the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular at work!!! Sounds silly, but I was really excited about this! Its not something I would ever spend money on, atleast not in Fresno. But since they were free, I was stoked! Sean was not so much. But nevertheless.... "we'll make it a couples thing" I said. He was okay with that. The email from Human Resources said we had to turn in the vouchers for the real tickets at the Savemart Center box office by the 26th... today! Right? WRONG!!! I get there and the girl proceeds to tell me, in a matter of fact way, that they had to be picked up by yesterday! I was like "WHAT?" I said "Are you sure? There's no other way?" And again, very matter of factly, said "No". I was so upset I almost threw the tickets at the window at her. (don't worry I didn't) But I did fold them up and throw them in the first trash can I could find. Which I immediately regretted, thinking maybe there would be a second chance since HR screwed up. Now they're gone for good. (I checked the email when I got home and sure enough it said the 26th... yes I sent them an email!) Again I chalk my anger up to the hormones. But the reason is.... ever since last year's trip to NY, I believe I lost my heart there. I'm in love, fascinated, perplexed by that city. I think I should have been born a New Yorker. It just fits me! (some of you might disagree, but its true!) I felt so at home. So these silly little tickets were going to give me just a little taste of NY this Christmas season. Needless to say, Sean was not so sad, but being the sensitive one that he has been (he learns quick), he was sad for me.

Goodbyes

From there I took my friends to the airport. My friend Sue will return next week. But Dan is leaving for good (almost) to go to the Dominican Republic for the next 3 years. I say almost because he will be back for a weekend in 3 weeks or so and our bible study plans to meet up with him and Sue. But today, I said goodbye. I never could have anticipated becoming friends with him and his girlfriend, Sue. It came as a wonderful surprise when I ran into them at our church, The Well, and met her for the first time. (He was one of our newest ortho surgeons at the hospital and I had a strong feeling he was a Christian) Then only a couple weeks later he took off to Haiti, with only a few days notice, to help with the crisis that was happening over there at the beginning of the year. Sue and I became very quick friends!! God is so awesome in the way He provides and takes care of us. So I say Bon Voyage and God bless!! See you in 3 weeks! And then the official, real, difficult goodbye will happen. (I think that may have to be the first big vacation baby Noble takes... to visit Dan and Sue once she moves over to be with him)

Mindlessness

And last of all... we decided to get together with some friends tonight after they get off work. I said "oh just come on over to our house" (being the hospitable person I am). I head off to Trader Joe's to get groceries and something for dinner. Well I went in with one idea and one idea only. And of course they did not have the pork loin I wanted. I stood there staring for who knows how long. I walked every aisle trying to think of something for dinner. Its so ridiculous that I cannot come up with one thing to cook!! (beside spaghetti or tacos... I just can't be a simpleton) I have always struggled with this. I don't know why. I really wish I did. Maybe it is something I should take to my counselor and dig deep into my childhood, I don't know. But I was so frustrated. Now I have 4 people coming over and I have NOTHING! I held back tears a few times while there. I finally succumbed to the inevitable and texted Sean the reality of the situation. He, once again, was encouraging. He finally, after much effort, was successful in making me laugh. But it took a lot.

I've really been doing better. But I'm just still not used to all this emotion and how quickly it can go from one end of the spectrum to the next. I just can't wait for Sean to get home. It will be a good night, regardless. All you need is yours friends. And at least we have dessert.

We're growing!!!!

After last week's emotional episode... I have been doing great! God is good and has kept me at rest. So yesterday's spontaneous, spur of the moment, U/S was not out of fear but pure anticipation to see our beautiful baby! The girls in U/S were not busy so Andrea said she would do one for me. I was so excited! The baby is getting so much bigger! He was moving all over the place... dancing just like his momma!!! lol However... I did not want to find out the sex without Sean, so I told her to not say anything! At the end, she said I'm too early to find out. (thank you Andrea for keeping me from being tempted) But I saw all four chambers of the heart! Totally amazing! I saw all four arms and legs and even fingers and toes! The profile view was the best... eyes, nose, lips, cheeks! So precious! I only wish Sean was there! But in a few weeks we will have the official one. This, again, was just another reminder of how great our God is! Every time I see the baby, I am in awe of His workmanship. I love this journey, though it has been very hard at times. I know God is working some things out in me. Healing old wounds and hurts. Its a painful process, but so necessary. I'm falling more in love every day.... to God, to this baby He has gifted us with, and to my most amazing husband. I love him so very much!!!

Trusting...and worship

Despite my last post... I have continued to struggle this week with trusting that everything is okay. And through prayer, there are things that are coming up that I realize are a part of my struggle. This morning was my second morning sobbing to the Lord. It went from crying from fear to frustration with myself to anger at the enemy of God and ended in spiritual warfare and then praise. It was a tough morning. But praise God, He has given my mind rest. And I will stay there as long as I can. There are things that I realize about this distrust and that is it stems from past hurts and disappointments in my infertility journey. But I have to get to a place where I am trusting no matter what.

Today as I was driving I was listening to worship music and trying to worship God. I heard that ever familiar voice telling me I'm faking it because how can I worship when I don't trust. But then I heard God say (the even more familiar voice), "Worship me, not because it will give you peace, but because of Who I Am." Why do we worship? Is it so it can magically fix our situation? Is it so it will bring US peace? Is it to meet our needs? Or is it because it is what we are created to do... to worship the creator of the universe, the Saviour of our souls, the Lover of our hearts? So I'm learning, once again, to worship for the simple fact that He is worthy of our praise!! And trusting He will meet me right where I am every single day.

Be patient .... and stand firm!

This weekend was a good one, but I found myself feeling, once again, a little self-conscious... a little somber. I think it started Friday night when I, all of the sudden, felt like my belly was empty. Silly I know. Saturday at work, I was so tempted to have the girls do an U/S in radiology just to ease my mind. Sunday I felt emotional all day. But it really wasnt until Sunday night, as I stood in front of the mirror rubbing my belly, that I just knew in my heart that everything is ok and that baby is still in there. I am right in the middle of my month between appts and the fear is creeping in again. But Sunday morning, Brad was teaching from James 5:5-20. The first part of that text, verses 7-8, James speaks to us to be patient....

"Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near."

Brad talked about being patient in all things, in all that God is doing in you, and in the waiting. We can sow, and cultivate, but we must trust in the Lord that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." I have no way of knowing what my baby is doing during the 4 (long) weeks in between appts. Nor do I have control over it. But what I DO HAVE is a hope and a faith in Christ Jesus as my Lord and Saviour that He WILL complete this work that He began in me. I do not know His will. But I do know He loves me. And I know that this fear, though normal for a first pregnancy, is not of Him and He is bigger than all of it. I can believe that He has a plan and a purpose for this child. And I will believe that all is well and that we will celebrate this precious baby come February. He has fulfilled a promise to me that He made long ago and I will wait patiently for the complete fulfillment of that promise. I WILL STAND FIRM!!!

Just as a disclaimer... I am not gripped in fear. That fear was broken 2 months ago!! But it is just those annoying, small, subtle fears, that once again, I know are normal, but I don't want them. I want to continue to walk in all the joy and the peace and amazing work God has done and is doing in me!! I love this journey and yet it is a continual walk of faith. Everyday God is teaching me to trust and live out my faith in him. Everyday I am learning a little more of His love for me. It is a hard process, but it is so worth it!!!

Not too fast....

Once again, I have learned a lesson. Just because you regain a little energy does not mean that you are allowed to spend it all at once. Last week, as I studied for my exam, I felt some energy coming back to me. (then again, I prayed for God's strength to get me through that long, hard, tiring week and He did!) This week started out a little more tired but that's just work. So Wednesday come along and I start going full force! I went to the gym (for the first time in 6 weeks), then came home and did some yardwork cleanup from the weekend then housework and laundry. I felt normal for once and went at it all day long. It felt great! Yesterday was less busy but I did go to the gym again and I had a lunch date and a dinner date. Both days were filled with some heavy emotions coming from all different directions. I think God knew I needed today off because I think I would have crashed at work. I got a call at 6am this morning telling me I was mandatorily getting called off. I was so bummed because I'm trying so hard to save my vacation time for my leave. But I seriously crashed. I went back to bed around 8am until 930 then from 230 until about 5pm. Yikes! I forewent the workout today with the thought that my body definitely needs rest. (although my body was loving the workout! I feel alive again and the constipation is gone at least for now! lol) I hope that gives me energy for work again tomorrow!!!

Once again, I'm still figuring out this whole pregnancy thing. But its getting easier. And honestly I'll go about an hour now without thinking I'm pregnant. I'm getting more and more used to the idea. But then I think "oh no! If I stop thinking about it then it will go away!!" LOL Silly thought, I know. Silly Amy.

Still, fatigue, heartburn and constipation have remained my biggest adversaries. Which I really can't complain. I've given over to medication for the heartburn otherwise I really can't eat anything! And I've actually been more regular this week (maybe its the veggies) and even more so these past two days at the gym! I'm amazed what a little workout and movement can do for your plumbing! lol And again, the fatigue is slowly improving as long as I don't drive myself into the ground. I think I will keep my newest rule of committing to only one thing (plans with friends, that is) on my days off. It seemed to really help this past month. I have a bad tendency to over commit myself. ...... I'm beginning to fill out more and wearing my belly bands on a more consistent basis. I even wore my first preggo jeans last night! But man! They were so comfy!

Ok I'm just babbling now... that's what happens when hubby is working until 930 and I'm bored at home!! Sorry for going on and on. But thanks again for joining in on the fun!

Baby Dreams....

So for a month now or so, people have been asking me if I've had any baby dreams. I know these are normal and very common but I didn't think they would come until later. However a few nights ago, I finally had my first. It was still so vivid even the next day. It didn't bother me at all when I woke up although it felt heavy when I was sleeping. But I just had to laugh. So here it is.... (sorry if you already heard this on facebook. This is also my way of record keeping :)).....

I had a dream that we had a little girl, but she was born with a partial cleft lip. You couldn't even see it from the outside, so I guess it was only on the inner portion of the lip. I thought "ok I can handle this". Then later in the dream, she switched to a boy and now had an undescended testicle that would also have to be surgical fixed. Again, I thought I was still pretty lucky that both of these are minor surgeries. Then later, we went to visit some friend's who had just moved to the beach. They had a really awesome, though small and simple, two story house right near the water. Picture living in the little town of Capitola on the beach. So you could walk out their front door onto a huge patio surrounded my greenery and then down some steps that led to a walkway where walkers and bikers would pass by. And just beyond that was the beach. And just to the right about 20 yards were shops and restaurants. Trust me, it was totally awesome! (I'm only sharing all this because this is how vivid it is to me and it really was a prime location. So jealous! lol) Well ANYWAY..... Sean went to put the baby down, along with their 4 or 5 young kids. And as we were sitting around chatting with our friends a couple hours later, I thought I better go check on our little one. But as I went room to room, bed to bed, I could not find her (yes, she is back to a girl!). I came out and asked Sean where he layed her down and he said that he put her in the master bedroom. I remember there was only one baby in there, so I went back to look, however this little baby did not look like MY baby. And even worse, I couldn't even remember what my baby looked like! And I woke up.

It was so bizarre. I guess your fears really do come out in your dreams. Not that my fears of medical needs consume my thoughts, but truly, being a nurse, they are definitely in the back of my mind. It was just a crazy dream. And I loved that my friends starting posting their craziest dreams on my facebook. I honestly was laughing, out loud, all day long. So feel free to post yours here!

Happy Dreaming!!!!!