Baby Shower Day!!!

I can't believe I made it to my baby shower day!!! It is so amazing to me!! I cannot express the emotion and thankfulness and blessing I feel today. Every day a testimony to God's faithfulness and love for His children. I am overwhelmed by His goodness.

Over the last 3 1/2 years I had finally came to a place of truly laying down my dreams and desires to the Lord. Not because I was told to or because I thought that I would get anything out of it in the end. But because I came to a place where I KNEW, with all that is within me, that my Jesus loves me. He died for me so that I can run free in the midst of my struggles of this world. He never said I would be exempt from them, but that I could experience freedom in spite of them. I came to a place where I believed, not just in my mind, but deep in the recesses of my heart, that all that He has is good for me. Not bad. Not neglect. Not hardship. Not troubles. But good. Pure good for me. Until you can identify with that truth you will always be plagued by the lies of the negative I mentioned. I experienced true freedom from the struggle of infertility. And yet, over the past year before I got pregnant I began to struggle again with the desire for a child... to be a mommy... to have a family with Sean. Its how this whole blog began.... searching for my purpose in this life and in this marriage. But God is faithful to His Word and to His promises.

Last year the Lord spoke a word to me that all He desires for me is good. Its good! I don't need to worry, because in the end, if I'm faithful to trust Him and Him alone, all things will work together for good. Even through all the treatments we did, my reason to stop them was that if God's will was for me to get pregnant, then I would and that His plan for the future would be better than I could ever imagine on my own.

As for His promises being fulfilled.... a few years ago, He spoke a promise to me. It was more clear than ever that it was Him and not my own thoughts. I wrote it down and stuck it in my bible. I think I prayed for it to be fulfilled for a little while. But before too long I forgot about it. Every once in awhile I would come across it and I would doubt it, but then the Lord would give me peace that it truly was from Him. I never told anyone (very unlike me to keep my mouth shut!). I just hid it in my heart. I came across it once again after I found out I was pregnant and was blown away by its truth!! A promise fulfilled!!!! .... God spoke His promise to me that I would be pregnant and He would give us a child of our own. It was a hard one for me to believe after so much time and yet I felt complete peace. I even wrote that I would hide it in my heart like a little secret between a daughter and her daddy. Well He was faithful to that promise and I am overwhelmed in His love for me!! I love God!!! I love His Son Jesus!!!

I didn't start this post with the intention of sharing all of this. But I felt compelled to remember where I came from and how I got to this day. It is amazing! I feel so emotional and overwhelmed by the fact that this shower is for ME!! I think I will have to continually pinch myself throughout the day to remind myself I'm not there for someone else. (feel free to pinch me also!! :)) But this is my joyous day! This is the day that the Lord has made (long before I could believe it would come true) and I will rejoice and be glad in it!!! I am grateful! I am blessed! I give all glory and honor and praise to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for this day. I would not be here if it were not for Him!! Praise you Lord!!!!

And one last thing.... I would not be here if it were not for my mom. I can't believe I'm here... I can't believe that she isn't. But she is in my heart and on my mind. She has made me into the woman, wife and now mommy that I am today. She has shaped me. She gives me strength to do all things that God has called me to do. By her example I have learned and feel ready to move into this next chapter of my life. This in itself is God's healing in me because since she met up with Jesus, I felt I could not, and would not, have a child and be a mom without her here. I know now that I can. And I'm ready. She is with me every step of the way. She gave me everything I will need for this adventure. She gave me Jesus. Thank you Mommy!!! I will love you forever!!

Did someone say babymoon??? 27 weeks....

Its been a while since I posted. Things have not changed too much... and yet I suppose there are things happening. I just get so busy with work and then trying to catch up with rest that I don't think to post. But here we go....

I finally got a actual girl's night out of town. My best friend and I initially planned to go to San Francisco for a one-nighter. I was really looking forward to it but as it drew near, I feared exhaustion. In the end we opted for a day atYosemite with lunch at the Ahwanhee Hotel. We headed up the hill and arrived around 1pm. (we got stopped by road work for 30 min and then paced by the work truck all the way in at 30 miles an hour! I thought my bladder was going to explode!!!) Luckily we made a reservation or else we would have had to wait an hour and then I would have been starving!! Lunch was wonderful. A great experience! We walked around only a little bit to take pictures and then it was back down the mountain. We stayed at her parents place near Oakhurst, relaxed in bed and watched a movie. I was asleep by 930. And yet.... by the time we arrived home the next day at 1100, I was purely exhausted!!! I was, after all, SO relieved we didn't go to SF. It would have taken me a week to recover!!!

But I AM looking forward to my and Sean's trip out of town next week!!! We have been looking for a time that we can get away for a babymoon. But he is blacked out at work for all of Dec and I am afraid that January will be too close. We both have a four day weekend over thanksgiving so..... Yep! We are going to Carmel for thanksgiving! Just the two of us! Some of our family were up in the air as to whether they would be around anyway, so we decided we better go while we can! I'm so excited! This is actually the first time we've stayed in Carmel since our honeymoon although we have visited a hundred times. AND... our favorite restaurant is open for the holiday!

As for baby.... Things just keep getting more exciting!! She is moving more and harder! Starting to feel more body parts moving rather than some big lump. Its so crazy and exciting all at the same time!! I LOVE it!! Yet as I move into my3rd trimester (I'm amazed daily by God that I made it!), I feel I'm bonding more with her. And I'm starting to feel anxious to finally get to hold her. I think that's why I rub and hold my belly so much... makes me feel like I'm holding her. But I seriously can't imagine the emotion I will feel when I feel her little body against mine that very first time. I'm beginning to ache with it!! I know Sean just wants this to fast forward so he can finally be fully involved and bond with her too. He has felt AND seen her move, but I know its not the same for him. I can't wait to see her in his arms! I have so much to look forward to these last few months.... my first baby shower tomorrow, thanksgiving in Carmel, thenChristmas and 3 more showers in January! Whew! Time will fly! Hopefuly....! And after December, no more work at the hospital for awhile!!!! Yeah! Well sorry its a novel... but that's what happens when I don't post for awhile. Until next time....

a little help with the Dentist....

Went to the dentist today. Yes, this is my most dreaded thing I do twice a year. But I do it. Good for me. (whatever) Anyway.... it really is worse than anything I can think of. But today I had company. A little special someone that was so thoughtful to begin her Tango lessons inside my belly during my appointment. Everytime she moved I would just focus on her and she helped me get through the anxiety and, a few times, discomfort of my cleaning. (YES! it was just a cleaning! Don't judge me!) I still hate the dentist. But our little girl made it bearable today. Thanks lovebug!

Well it is soooooo great to have Sean back. I picked him up last night from the airport and thankfully I didn't have to work today so we were able to stay up late talking about his trip. This WILL be the last time he leaves me for 5 days especially to Seattle! Next time... we're all going! It was good for me though. I have come to a place in my life, over 16 years of marriage, that I am somewhat independent, love my me-time and would not have been bothered by his trip. But where I would normally look forward to 5 days on my own to be a 'grown-up', I dreaded these days for the last month. It was good for me to desire him so much. It was good for me to need him. I don't believe it is just the hormones, although they play a role, I'm sure. But I believe God used this to bring me closer to Sean in that way. Every woman needs to "need" her man and every man needs his woman to need him. And I know he missed me too. Our reunion was only that much better! I definitely don't want to carry that independent woman role into our family. We are a team... a family... and it will be so important for us to work together to make the decisions we need make as we start this new time of our life.

ok! 2nd baby dream!!!!

So I spent the weekend with some girlfriends in San Francisco this weekend for the Nike Women's half marathon... of which I had planned and paid to do before I got pregnant! Now I'm the official photographer and cheerleader! Plus I had to pick up my bib for my running partner's husband who graciously filled my place. (thanks John!) Well to say the least... it was a terrible two days of trying to take care of myself. I had to look out for myself without my wonderful husband doing it for me... and I must confess, I didn't do a very good job. By the time I got home last night, I was starving (despite the very large, juicy burger I ate around 3pm and the Peet's blended decaf coffee I had on the way home). But at 1030 I realized it had been 7 hours! So no wonder I was hungry. Long story short... hunger + no food in the house + exhaustion + excitement + physical, mental and emotional demand of conquering the city on my own = .... me throwing up last night! Yikes! And of course, I'm home alone with Sean in Seattle. Sooooo not a good combination. But all in all... it was a really fun weekend! Fun with the girls... a ton of fun with Kristin's family (of whom I am officially adopting... and may have already adopted me... I hope... hehe) Anyway... that was my weekend in a nutshell! So proud of Kristin for conquering her first half marathon in under 3 hours on her 30th birthday!!! What a fantastic way to spend it! And the only other better person than me to share that experience with.... her husband who ran it with her! :) Ok... onto the blog title's theme.... The Dream.

So Saturday night the girls fell asleep early. I was watching TV and baby starting moving... a lot! So I pushed down the covers and pulled up my shirt to see if I could see her. Well she started out with small movements that I could see. Then she started moving harder. Then started rolling across my belly! It was soooo awesome! (Kristin's sister, Shannon, is a couple weeks ahead of me and we were just talking about this at dinner) I finally went to sleep....

In my dream, I was watching my belly and first I could see her full hand print. Awesome. Then a foot print. Totally cool. THEN!!! All of the sudden... she crawls out of this little hole on the left side of my belly! Crawls on top and just lays there, on her back, in the fetal position. Ok. I can totally picture this because I've seen 23 weekers at work!! So this was crazy! Then after a bit, she turned into a little girl around age 3 or 4. Just her little head, with chin resting on my belly, with her little bangs (like mine are now) and long thick dark brown hair. She just stared up at me smiling and batting her eyelashes at me. Soon she switched back into a baby. I finally said "ok, baby girl, you need to go back inside! You still have to grow more!" So she turned over and crawled back into that little hole!

These dreams are so crazy! Its hilarious! It is amazing to think she would actually live outside the womb by now. She's that big! But I keep telling her, in real life, and praying, that she stay inside and keep growing! So this dream was right up there with my recent thoughts. lol

I'm loving this whole journey! It is so fun and exciting! By now, everyday brings a new realization, feeling or physical change with her. I feel her constantly, which reminds me, every single time, how much my God and Creator love ME!!!! It is amazing!!!

I saw her!!!!! 23 weeks...

This morning, for the first time, I SAW her move on my belly. I had been watching for this lately because lately her movements have been harder, but haven't seen anything.... until this morning. It was so awesome! I've been sick with a cold (that continues to get worse) for the past 2 days. But today, she brought me joy to start my day out right!!! Like I posted on fb, I know this is the first of a million moments when she will brighten my dark days with something simple and sweet she does or says. That thought brings tears to my eyes. I can hardly wait for her grand entrance into our lives! I once again am in awe of the workmanship of God!!! Thank you Jesus!!! Now... if only she can make me get better, faster! :)

I am still normal!!!

Today was the first day in probably a few weeks that I finally felt normal again... human really. Monday was very stressful for me at work and then Tuesday was a huge break down, sob fest during one of my cases in the OR!! Thank you to my special friend, Irene, who came to my rescue. Tuesday night I was oncall but only until 9pm (my other favorite friend, Mike, took the rest!) Well thank goodness, because I fell asleep backwards in my chair/ottoman around 7:45 for about 30 min then was in bed and sound to sleep by 8:45. I slept 11 hours! Yesterday I woke up feeling, still, so tired. Went to breakfast with Sean then to a friend's for only an hour or so. It exhausted me! I went home, did nothing but sleep for 2 1/2 more hours!!! And here it comes.... today.... I finally feel human again! There is hope! I was not tired all day. I had energy to do all that I needed to at work (especially when it got busy in the afternoon). And my thinking was clear! The other amazing thing was that I liked everyone and didn't feel irritated by anyone (those poor nursing students) or anything, except the monitors that kept dinging off! Hallelujah! I was starting to think that I was just becoming a really ugly person on the inside because I felt like the grinch all the time. But nope. Today I realized, once again, it all is about the hormones. My hope is renewed that I will be normal again.... some day. :) I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But today was awesome!!

Now if only this can last me through the next 5 busy days. Please be praying for me. I have one more day of work then have a wedding to shoot on Saturday (my first official one! Woo hoo!). On Sunday our bible study group is doing some work at a neighbor's house (I will work according to how I feel. Everyone is making sure I take care of myself. I have such great friends!) And then only 2 more days of work! There should be time for rest in the latter half of saturday and sunday. It will be a fun weekend!

Our little baby girl is doing awesome! She is now 1 lb!! And I'm up a lb from last week! I'm on track! I can feel all of her moving inside me! Sometimes harder than others. lol Yesterday she was kicking my rectum.... tonight, my bladder! But all in all, I love every minute of it. Today she was kicking around while I was talking to a parent and it really through me off. lol A little stinker already, she is!

That's about it for now. Nothing exciting but the exhaustion. This too shall pass, I tell myself. People say its preparing me. But frankly I'm just fine with having it thrown at me all at once when she gets here! Just as long as I feel good and sleep well now! :-)

TTFN!

have... to ... slow ... down...

In the last week, I have lived at the hospital for 51 hours in the last 6 days without a day off. Only had one day off in the last 9 days and only 2 days off in the last 13 days. All that to say.... I'm exhausted! And before you tell me I need to rest and take care of myself... let me say... trust me! I have been regardless! But when it comes to work and call-time and class, you really have no choice. I'm just glad to be through it and look forward to the next few weeks being back to 'normal'. Today I broke down and had a tall soy latte and finally felt a little energy and personality. I felt like a slug. You gotta do what you gotta do. Other than that, I'm doing great!!!



Today, Sean told me he's proud of me for working hard and "taking care of our kidlet". It brought me to tears along with doubts that what he says is true. Every day I worry I'm not doing my best to take care of our little precious girl to the best of my ability. But I feel my ability these days are hindered. I don't know why but my ability to put the simplest meal together is near void. So it usually comes to eating something that is slightly less than the best. But all in all I eat my veggies, fruit and dairy and drink so much water I'm a frequent flyer to the little girls room. I guess this is only the beginning of many many years of feeling inadequate as a parent. But you just keep going... all you need is love, right? I hope.

I'm coming into my 20th week! I can hardly believe it! I'm feeling her move every single day, all day!! It's so amazing! My belly continues to grow! And I continue to grow out of, officially, all my pre-preg clothes! I'm loving this journey!! Love it love it love!!! To God be all glory and honor and praise!!!!!