a little help with the Dentist....

Went to the dentist today. Yes, this is my most dreaded thing I do twice a year. But I do it. Good for me. (whatever) Anyway.... it really is worse than anything I can think of. But today I had company. A little special someone that was so thoughtful to begin her Tango lessons inside my belly during my appointment. Everytime she moved I would just focus on her and she helped me get through the anxiety and, a few times, discomfort of my cleaning. (YES! it was just a cleaning! Don't judge me!) I still hate the dentist. But our little girl made it bearable today. Thanks lovebug!

Well it is soooooo great to have Sean back. I picked him up last night from the airport and thankfully I didn't have to work today so we were able to stay up late talking about his trip. This WILL be the last time he leaves me for 5 days especially to Seattle! Next time... we're all going! It was good for me though. I have come to a place in my life, over 16 years of marriage, that I am somewhat independent, love my me-time and would not have been bothered by his trip. But where I would normally look forward to 5 days on my own to be a 'grown-up', I dreaded these days for the last month. It was good for me to desire him so much. It was good for me to need him. I don't believe it is just the hormones, although they play a role, I'm sure. But I believe God used this to bring me closer to Sean in that way. Every woman needs to "need" her man and every man needs his woman to need him. And I know he missed me too. Our reunion was only that much better! I definitely don't want to carry that independent woman role into our family. We are a team... a family... and it will be so important for us to work together to make the decisions we need make as we start this new time of our life.

ok! 2nd baby dream!!!!

So I spent the weekend with some girlfriends in San Francisco this weekend for the Nike Women's half marathon... of which I had planned and paid to do before I got pregnant! Now I'm the official photographer and cheerleader! Plus I had to pick up my bib for my running partner's husband who graciously filled my place. (thanks John!) Well to say the least... it was a terrible two days of trying to take care of myself. I had to look out for myself without my wonderful husband doing it for me... and I must confess, I didn't do a very good job. By the time I got home last night, I was starving (despite the very large, juicy burger I ate around 3pm and the Peet's blended decaf coffee I had on the way home). But at 1030 I realized it had been 7 hours! So no wonder I was hungry. Long story short... hunger + no food in the house + exhaustion + excitement + physical, mental and emotional demand of conquering the city on my own = .... me throwing up last night! Yikes! And of course, I'm home alone with Sean in Seattle. Sooooo not a good combination. But all in all... it was a really fun weekend! Fun with the girls... a ton of fun with Kristin's family (of whom I am officially adopting... and may have already adopted me... I hope... hehe) Anyway... that was my weekend in a nutshell! So proud of Kristin for conquering her first half marathon in under 3 hours on her 30th birthday!!! What a fantastic way to spend it! And the only other better person than me to share that experience with.... her husband who ran it with her! :) Ok... onto the blog title's theme.... The Dream.

So Saturday night the girls fell asleep early. I was watching TV and baby starting moving... a lot! So I pushed down the covers and pulled up my shirt to see if I could see her. Well she started out with small movements that I could see. Then she started moving harder. Then started rolling across my belly! It was soooo awesome! (Kristin's sister, Shannon, is a couple weeks ahead of me and we were just talking about this at dinner) I finally went to sleep....

In my dream, I was watching my belly and first I could see her full hand print. Awesome. Then a foot print. Totally cool. THEN!!! All of the sudden... she crawls out of this little hole on the left side of my belly! Crawls on top and just lays there, on her back, in the fetal position. Ok. I can totally picture this because I've seen 23 weekers at work!! So this was crazy! Then after a bit, she turned into a little girl around age 3 or 4. Just her little head, with chin resting on my belly, with her little bangs (like mine are now) and long thick dark brown hair. She just stared up at me smiling and batting her eyelashes at me. Soon she switched back into a baby. I finally said "ok, baby girl, you need to go back inside! You still have to grow more!" So she turned over and crawled back into that little hole!

These dreams are so crazy! Its hilarious! It is amazing to think she would actually live outside the womb by now. She's that big! But I keep telling her, in real life, and praying, that she stay inside and keep growing! So this dream was right up there with my recent thoughts. lol

I'm loving this whole journey! It is so fun and exciting! By now, everyday brings a new realization, feeling or physical change with her. I feel her constantly, which reminds me, every single time, how much my God and Creator love ME!!!! It is amazing!!!

I saw her!!!!! 23 weeks...

This morning, for the first time, I SAW her move on my belly. I had been watching for this lately because lately her movements have been harder, but haven't seen anything.... until this morning. It was so awesome! I've been sick with a cold (that continues to get worse) for the past 2 days. But today, she brought me joy to start my day out right!!! Like I posted on fb, I know this is the first of a million moments when she will brighten my dark days with something simple and sweet she does or says. That thought brings tears to my eyes. I can hardly wait for her grand entrance into our lives! I once again am in awe of the workmanship of God!!! Thank you Jesus!!! Now... if only she can make me get better, faster! :)

I am still normal!!!

Today was the first day in probably a few weeks that I finally felt normal again... human really. Monday was very stressful for me at work and then Tuesday was a huge break down, sob fest during one of my cases in the OR!! Thank you to my special friend, Irene, who came to my rescue. Tuesday night I was oncall but only until 9pm (my other favorite friend, Mike, took the rest!) Well thank goodness, because I fell asleep backwards in my chair/ottoman around 7:45 for about 30 min then was in bed and sound to sleep by 8:45. I slept 11 hours! Yesterday I woke up feeling, still, so tired. Went to breakfast with Sean then to a friend's for only an hour or so. It exhausted me! I went home, did nothing but sleep for 2 1/2 more hours!!! And here it comes.... today.... I finally feel human again! There is hope! I was not tired all day. I had energy to do all that I needed to at work (especially when it got busy in the afternoon). And my thinking was clear! The other amazing thing was that I liked everyone and didn't feel irritated by anyone (those poor nursing students) or anything, except the monitors that kept dinging off! Hallelujah! I was starting to think that I was just becoming a really ugly person on the inside because I felt like the grinch all the time. But nope. Today I realized, once again, it all is about the hormones. My hope is renewed that I will be normal again.... some day. :) I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But today was awesome!!

Now if only this can last me through the next 5 busy days. Please be praying for me. I have one more day of work then have a wedding to shoot on Saturday (my first official one! Woo hoo!). On Sunday our bible study group is doing some work at a neighbor's house (I will work according to how I feel. Everyone is making sure I take care of myself. I have such great friends!) And then only 2 more days of work! There should be time for rest in the latter half of saturday and sunday. It will be a fun weekend!

Our little baby girl is doing awesome! She is now 1 lb!! And I'm up a lb from last week! I'm on track! I can feel all of her moving inside me! Sometimes harder than others. lol Yesterday she was kicking my rectum.... tonight, my bladder! But all in all, I love every minute of it. Today she was kicking around while I was talking to a parent and it really through me off. lol A little stinker already, she is!

That's about it for now. Nothing exciting but the exhaustion. This too shall pass, I tell myself. People say its preparing me. But frankly I'm just fine with having it thrown at me all at once when she gets here! Just as long as I feel good and sleep well now! :-)

TTFN!

have... to ... slow ... down...

In the last week, I have lived at the hospital for 51 hours in the last 6 days without a day off. Only had one day off in the last 9 days and only 2 days off in the last 13 days. All that to say.... I'm exhausted! And before you tell me I need to rest and take care of myself... let me say... trust me! I have been regardless! But when it comes to work and call-time and class, you really have no choice. I'm just glad to be through it and look forward to the next few weeks being back to 'normal'. Today I broke down and had a tall soy latte and finally felt a little energy and personality. I felt like a slug. You gotta do what you gotta do. Other than that, I'm doing great!!!



Today, Sean told me he's proud of me for working hard and "taking care of our kidlet". It brought me to tears along with doubts that what he says is true. Every day I worry I'm not doing my best to take care of our little precious girl to the best of my ability. But I feel my ability these days are hindered. I don't know why but my ability to put the simplest meal together is near void. So it usually comes to eating something that is slightly less than the best. But all in all I eat my veggies, fruit and dairy and drink so much water I'm a frequent flyer to the little girls room. I guess this is only the beginning of many many years of feeling inadequate as a parent. But you just keep going... all you need is love, right? I hope.

I'm coming into my 20th week! I can hardly believe it! I'm feeling her move every single day, all day!! It's so amazing! My belly continues to grow! And I continue to grow out of, officially, all my pre-preg clothes! I'm loving this journey!! Love it love it love!!! To God be all glory and honor and praise!!!!!

Our precious little GIRL!!!!!!!! ...18 weeks!

We've been waiting all this time to found out the sex. In the beginning Sean left me hanging for almost a month saying that maybe he wanted it to be a surprise. But finally, in Paso, with our best friends, he made the final decision... "to go with whatever Amy wants". I yelled "We're finding out!!!!" Although, I always knew we would. We're too much of planners. We like to be ready and prepared. Besides the fact that I hate yellow, mint green and lavendar, not to mention Classic Pooh (who, don't get me wrong, was great 10 years ago!) I wanted very pink if a girl, or very blue if a boy. Nothing wrong with that!

So as many of you know, we showed up at our U/S last thurs. But little missy was way too comfortable and wouldn't move enough to show us anything. The tech couldn't even get her pics. So we'll have to repeat it in 1-2 weeks. I didn't realize how bummed I was until AFTER I woke from my "sad nap" I took as soon as we got home from the appt. But we waited this long, what's another couple weeks? But Saturday came and my friend talked me into going to our U/S dept at work and have them take a peek. "You can do the same thing you guys planned on doing on thursday" she said. Why didn't I think of that?? So as my second set of eyes, she went with me. They both wrote their decisions on paper and compared notes only to find they chose the same answer to our long awaited question. She put the paper in an envelope with the picture and I never looked. Then she went to bat for me and had the nurses take my last two patients and they let me go home early! (thanks again Jamie, Sukhwinder and Teresa!) We went out for dinner to Sequoia brewery where I first told him I was pregnant (this was his idea on thursday. On saturday I just told him I was craving it. So easy!) As soon as our order was in, I gave him the sealed envelope. He was so shocked and surprised. We excitedly opened it and were so excited!!! I was wrong in my feeling of having a boy... so when I saw "girl" I was speechless.

There are so many reasons why having a girl means so much to me. First of all, I'm just a girlie girl. And even though I want Sean to have his boy, I see him with a daughter. He is such a girlie daddy and I am beyond ecstatic to see him with his little girl. It brings tears to my eyes. But the most important reason I wanted a girl was because of our moms. A little girl seems to give me a piece of my mom. Every time I think of her or when I see her, I know I will think of my mom. I feel closer with her now as though she is here. My relationship with my mom was always wonderful. And I pray that my daughter and I can have that same closeness that I shared with my mom. It was the most wonderful thing in the world. And even for Sean... I feel the relationship he will have with his little girl will have a part of his mom in there too as he had an extraordinary relationship with her. So having a girl, for me, means so much more than pink blankets, bows and bling. It is our moms legacy and their heart in our family. I am so appreciative and feel so full right now. We are so blessed!!

On the other side....

I now find myself on the other side of infertility. Its weird being here because for 10 years I've been on the side of wanting, waiting, envying, worrying, wishing, praying, hoping.... you get my drift. I've heard lately that a few of my friends without children (both trying and not) are already thinking, and worrying, about how this will change our friendship. Oh.... I know that feeling so well. Oh how I dreaded every next announcement that "we're pregnant!". Its the loss of that friend's spontaneity... the loss of undivided attention.... the loss of quick text responses. And as if the usual announcements weren't bad enough, I had to slowly bid bon voyage to my infertility comrades as well, as they, one by one, saw the miracle of parenthood. (not that this was bad. I was more happy for these than any other!) We actually had a fruit of the womb club at one time. There were, I think, 7 of us. And over the years, as one dropped out, there was always another to fill the void. But slowly, even those dropped off until there was only one.... me. All by myself. I was the last of the last. The lonely caboose. But even as I write this I have two beautiful friends who continue to struggle in the desire to have a child. And I find myself at times, feeling so bad... not wanting to make them feel sad... knowing all too well what they are going through and how they may be feeling or thinking. But I know my time has come, as it will for them. It is just so strange to be on 'this side'.

A friend told me today, as I was encouraging her in her journey through infertility, that she was afraid I will forget how it feels as I enter into this long awaited time of motherhood. For certain, I cannot know what to expect nor can I make promises that nothing will change. Every one of my friends swore they wouldn't forget... until the time finally came and they successfully did all the things we hated the most. (i.e. talk about their pregnancy or children for hours while you sat there ready to tear their eyes out. lol) I'm not sure I haven't changed already. Of course I love to talk about my pregnancy. There are so many changes happening all at once. How can I not? And yet I want so badly to be sensitive to my dearest friends. So my prayer has been and will continue to be.... "Lord, please let me never forget the past 10 years of struggle that I have gone through." Oh how I do not ever want to forget! He has had me in a place of encouraging others, even bringing strangers into my life that I may help them along their own journey. What a tremendous blessing it has been for me to use some of the worst moments of my life for HIS glory... and I can only pray that it has been a blessing for those girls as well. No, I don't ever want to forget. It is what has made me into who I am today. God does not waste a single tear we cry but uses it to grow us into beautiful, strong women of faith. Praise God the last 10 years was not for nothing!

So again I say.... "Lord please help me never to forget. Yes things will change. But let me always be a vessel to be used for encouraging, uplifting and building up of my sisters who are still on their own journey!"