Happy birthday to ME!!

I'm going into my birthday weekend. And I couldn't be more content. Even if we did nothing at all but I had my hubby and my beautiful daughter by my side, I'd be more than happy. Its amazing to me where I've come from. I still remember only 7 years ago that begin my downward spiral of hating my birthday. 31, 32 and then finally on my 33rd birthday I made a choice that I was taking back my birthday. You see, I LOVE my birthday! Yes... I would celebrate all month if 'they' let me. As it is, Sean lets me celebrate for a week. :) I love the celebration. I love having all those who I love the most around me. I've never been big on strictly 'family' birthdays. I have to have my family and my closest friends with me. I love the joy it brings. Who is ever in a bad mood at a birthday party? So the thought that I had let satan steal MY birthday from me was appalling. (I'll back up for a moment... my two bad birthdays were the two years following the loss of our adopted daughter, Brianna, and the near fatality of our marriage) So in 2006, I made the choice to take it back! And I invited our friends over for a bbq and bday celebration. And I finally had victory!! My birthday was once again mine and has stayed that way ever since.

Last year the reality and knowledge that I was actually carrying our daughter inside my womb, on my birthday, was such an answer to so many desperate prayers and was the highlight of my day. This year.... well this year is so far beyond comprehension for me. Here she is. The long awaited Miss Emery Rose. And I get to take her to the Little Gym and spend my day with HER. For real. In my arms. Talking. Cuddling. Playing. Laughing. Maybe even crying. But that's ok. Because I'll take it ALL!

This week in my bible study on David, we studied the scripture where David pulls himself aside and cries out to God.... "Oh Sovereign Lord, Who am I.... that you would bring me thus far." And I cry out... "Oh Sovereign Lord... WHO AM I... that you would bring me thus far? You have seen me through the hardest, darkest moments of my life. You have carried me, comforted me... and all along used each circumstance to grow me into the woman of God you created me to be. Not one moment was wasted by you, that you used each difficulty (not brought on by you, but allowed by you) to grow me into the Mother that you have created me to be. For such a time as this... that you have brought me thus far, through the long years of yearning for a child, through the loss, pain, grief. And now... this blessing that blows my mind each and every day. Who am I that you would bless us in such a way? Thank you Jesus. I praise your holy and magnificent name!"

So I have no qualms in saying "Happy birthday to me"!!! I'll make no apology. ;) Funny, when I started this post, this was not even on my mind. To God be the Glory!

Moments like these....

A Morning with Francine Rivers

Today was a very special day for me. Over the last 4 years, there have been those moments when my mom seems so alive to me. On a daily basis, I don't think about her much. I feel that is so awful and feel so guilty but I think it is just part of living in the present and not in the past. I think it is part of the initial grieving and ongoing healing. I know it is what she would want. And then there are those times when she IS ever present in my day. Maybe I ran into an old friend of hers and hugging her was like hugging my mom. Or getting to see the response and expression in the face of a very old friend of hers when they meet little Emery Rose, knowing what a miracle she is and how much my mom loves her even now.... its like I'm seeing the expression on my mom's face. These moments are difficult for me to put into words to express what it does to me and my emotions. But I will do my best. Because I believe it really is a supernatural phenomenon that only God can allow and create for us that are left behind after our loved ones have passed.

Today was another one of those days. Two weeks ago I walked into People's Church for the first time on a Sunday morning and found out that my most favorite author in the entire world was going to be there in 2 weeks! I jumped up and immediately bought a ticket! And immediately my mom was on my mind. I wished she were here to enjoy this with me because she would also be so excited! I've been looking forward to this morning for 2 weeks and I was so excited when I woke. As I got ready, then walked into the chapel and finally got to hear Francine share her testimony and the story behind her books, it felt as thought my mom was present with me once again.

You see, my mom is the one who first gave me a copy of Francine's book Redeeming Love. And it is still, to this day, my favorite book! That was the year before my mom passed away. And since then I have gone on to read all of Francine's books over the past 4 years with the exception of the Lineage of Grace (which I just bought on Amazon! lol). My mom is the one who introduced to me to the most amazing, talented, and gifted Christian author! And as I read each book, I feel my mom.

I shared this with Mrs Rivers along with the story of avoiding her latest 2 books about mother/daughter relationships but finally read them both while pregnant with Emery. It was a special time and my life has been enriched through the gift of writing that God has given her. I was blessed to be the first one to speak with her and I had her sign my Redeeming Love book to "Amy, Emery and Linda". What a beautiful morning this was. I will dwell on its richness all day!!!

burdens and blessings....

This post is not going to be the upbeat fun post, unfortunately. The truth is that I'm having a real hard time adjusting to going back to work. I'm in my third week and what started out not too bad, is now getting so much harder. This week I worked Sunday and Monday. Therefore I went 48 hours without seeing, touching, holding or playing with my baby girl. It was so hard! And so after 2 months of not being able to cry, the floodgates opened (AT WORK!) and I ended up in my supervisor's (and friend) office for a safe place to cry. I literally couldn't stop crying for an entire hour! However, yesterday I was back to work again after two days with Emery, and I was ok. But even when I'm at home I'm finding that I'm adjusting there too. Tuesday I was so happy to be home with her that I didn't plan to do anything all day! And yet I found myself in a funk. My time with her felt awkward and I had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Today I realized that because my days off are less now, I'm also having a difficult time finding a balance between getting things done, having some time for myself and spending much needed and desired time with Em. And twice now she's been unusually fussy during the morning when she's usually really happy. So I think she is adjusting too... to mommy and daddy taking care of her... to two different routines.... Its just so hard. So much harder than I thought after my first day back was so easy. Please don't get me wrong, I am SO extremely grateful to be able to cut my hours to part time. I am so grateful for the fact that daddy can be home with her. Its just another adjustment among hundreds more to come. And I know we will get through it.

Well I will write some good stuff. Today was a good day. Emery and I met my sister-in-law Renee for lunch. Then Em and I walked around downtown Clovis for awhile, I held her and we played as we sat on a bench and then headed back for some ice cream (not good ice cream unfortunately). But the weather was beautiful and I was doing what I love... strolling around a pretty area on a pretty day with my beautiful daughter. We were there about an hour and a half and then headed home with a couple errands along the way. Its weird. Feelings of guilt try to make their grimey way into my mind because I was out and about and tired and probably wearing her out instead of being at home spending "quality time" with her and keeping her in her routine so she gets good rest. But one thing I have to realize is I DID have quality time with her today. It was wonderful. So I will bind up those lies in the name of Jesus and thank God for a wonderful day with my baby girl!

I have so much to be thankful for. I just want more time with her. I'm willing to do almost anything to make that happen, as is Sean. He wants that for us too. We'll see what God has in store. I look forward with anticipation to the road God is paving for us!!!

Mother's Day - My first!!!

I just have to get something in here about Mother's Day. How can I NOT blog about my first one?? Well it was wonderful! I couldn't believe, all day, that it was actually happening. I had to keep reminding myself "Its MY mother's day!!!!!" What a true blessing! I am still in awe of this whole thing and of who God is!

My first gift was that Emery slept in until 730!!! When I went to get her from her crib, she smiled big at me, and then I saw the card next to her. I thought it was from daddy, but it was from baby. :) Then my second gift came when I walked into the kitchen to find a painting on canvas that my little Emery (a.k.a. daddy) did for me!! It was soooooo sweet. It brought tears to my eyes! And another card, this time, from daddy. And daddy also brought me coffee.

Well I got to do whatever I wanted today! So the first thing I wanted to do was go to church. For so many years, I only went to church on Mother's Day for my mom. And after she passed away, I stopped going. For the past 4 years, I have scheduled myself to work every mother's day. (with the exception of one where we went to Paso Robles that weekend) It was so very painful because the service was always extremely geared toward being a mom. It was especially painful after I couldn't even sit with my mom in church anymore. So I stopped going. Well this year, I wasn't about to miss out!!! (unfortunately at The Well, they don't make a big deal about any holiday besides simply acknowledging it. lol) And besides the sermon, it was the worshipping of my God and Father that has saturated me with such a blessing as Emery! So I went to sit in His presence and praise Him and Him alone! Then we went to Batter Up for breakfast (supposedly Emery told daddy she wanted to go there. Luckily I wanted to go too! lol) Then it was back home. We had a much needed relaxing afternoon. We watched Survivor then took naps. That evening we went to my brother's house for dinner and dessert. This was also my desire... to spend my mother's day with some of my family. Not much was said about it, but it meant a lot to me to be with them and my nephews and niece. It was a great evening!! At some point in the next couple weeks, I plan to finish out my mother's day celebration with a foot/leg massage at Foot Reflexology! :-)

I feel so extremely blessed to have been able to celebrate such a day. I am constantly amazed at how faithful God is when we are faithful (and even when we are not... Thank you God!) I will forever remember my first Mother's Day. What a dream come true! (unfortunately I have no pics as my camera was ruined in the torrential downpour in Texas :(... )

A Texas Adventure

I didn't get a chance to blog while we were gone.... but now we are back. Back from our week long vacation in Colleyville, Texas. That's between Fort Worth and Dallas. I started this post out as a quick recap of our trip. It quickly turned into a novel. Don't feel compelled to read the entire thing unless you're bored. Its really for my own lack of memory down the road. lol

Emery sleeping soundly on the flight to Texas!!! Good job girl!

Thurs 4/21 - We arrived around noon. Kathy picked us up from the airport. Lunch was our #1 priority! We picked up Kathy's oldest, Brianna, on the way to La Madeleine Cafe. It was great! Next we headed to Walmart. A place a swore I would never go again! (remember the story of how I was mistaken for to be a grandma in fresno's walmart?!!) But amazingly... everyone in Texas grocery shops at the Super Walmarts! They are nice and sooooo different than here. That night we piled in the car with the entire Carlson family and they drove us through the Stockyards before heading to dinner at Joe T Garcia's in Fort Worth. This place was awesome!!! You have two choices... enchiladas or fajitas. It is cash only. And it was packed out on a thurs night!!! I'm talking at least 250 cars in the parking lot!!! The outside patio alone is a block long and looks like the garden of Eden. We walked the entire patio after dinner and we were blown away!! There was even a wedding reception going on at the far end of the patio. That is how huge this place is! And its really good Tex Mex!!

Emery was ticked!! She wanted to eat as soon as we got our food! lol

The Carlsons at Joe T Garcia's!

Friday 4/22 - Today we got a slow start and finally headed out at noon on our own. We went into Southlake and the TownCenter which is like a Riverpark on crack!!! So beautiful and great stores and eats. I discovered a Naartjie there and spent $90 (that's with a 20% discount) only to go back days later and spend another $65! Ours shut down here so I was bummed after I got pregnant. Therefore, I felt I had to go crazy and stock up for our Miss Emery! :) She is now one well dressed baby! We ate at Jack's Porch... a modern style hamburger grill and bar. Soooo delish! That night Luke and Kathy took us to our first bbq at Spring Creek and then back home. We watched the third Narnia movie in their theatre room!! This room rocked!!!! **** Yesterday and today, I will admit I was completely miserable with the humidity! It was horrible and supposedly very abnormal for this time of year. But I was wanting to experience it. Well I got my wish!!! UGH!

Our first day on our own and first trip to SouthLake TownCenter (outdoor mall)

Saturday 4/23 - This morning the guys and girls split up for a bit. Cabella's just opened and Luke wanted to go with Sean. Luke bought and walked out with an AR-15 (assault rifle) in only 30 minutes. Sean threatened we are moving! lol The girls wanted to take me to Sam Moon in Keller. Our other friend Tyrannie even joined us. This is a huge store filled with nothing but accessories. And this morning, being a saturday, it was packed! They must have a thousand purses. Its crazy and so much fun! I bought a purse, hat and 3 flowers for Emery. We met up at Cabella's so I could experience it. It really was pretty awesome! Then Sean and I took off and went to lunch with Emery at Jason's Deli in Keller for sandwiches. We headed home around 4 and I walked in set my sleeping Emery down in her carseat, put my purse down and died on the bed. I didn't wake for 2 hours! I was exhausted! Kathy fixed us a wonderful dinner at home. It was so nice to relax. We had already done so much in only a couple days. **** The weather was not too much better today.... but Praise God that Texas is very breezy.... most of the time, just plain windy! We thought we might get some storms tonight. We even drove to a park to get a better view of the T&L. But all we ended up with was 60 mile an hour winds to sing us to sleep.

The family at Cabella's

We don't call 911!!!!!

Sunday 4/24 - Happy Easter!!!! What a joyous day!!! Our first Easter holiday with our precious Emery Rose! She looked beautiful! What a blessed day it was as we started off with church at Gateway. What a fantastic church!! So awesome! Then we had the most relaxing day all week. Luke and Kathy hosted an open house for family and friends. Our mutual friends who just moved from Fresno to Keller spent the afternoon with us. What a fun time! We met many wonderful people. It was great to be home and relax and have fellowship. After everyone left, we had an easter egg hunt with Brianna and Maddie. We hid the eggs for them outside while they hid for us inside. I'll admit I was feeling too tired (along with Luke) to play. But when it came our turn, I nonchalantly stood up, set down my glass and then yelled "GO!!!" and ran for the back door!! Sean, being the competitive person he is with me, ran after me with Kthy close behind. I was quickly aware of the girls excitedly screaming as they never expected this. I think it was the highlight of their day (I'm just guessing) to watch their parents and their adult friends run through the house like a bunch of crazy kids! So fun!! Tonight was our first storm! It was awesome! We watched it for 2 hours from the front porch. But we only got a small piece of what was actually going on in other parts of the county. :( The weather was getting better today. :)

Miss Emery Rose!

What a miracle!!!!

Our first Easter as a family!

Our beautiful friends (and hosts for the week!)

Steve and his kids LOVED Em!! It was priceless!

Brianna loving on Emery at Easter service

Madeline loving on Emery!

Monday 4/25 - Well this morning was the FIRST morning Emery woke up before 7am! yep! She slept through the night 3 nights in a row!!!! But I was glad she did today. She woke me up around 0415. I barely started to warm up her bottle when she went back to sleep. All of the sudden I see lightening out the window... lots of lightening!! Continuous lightening! I watched for a bit then finally decided to quietly sneak downstairs of our apt and outside to the breezeway between the apt/garage and the main house. I watched in awe as lightening lit up the sky over the house. It was awesome! Suddenly, Luke walks out and nonchalantly says "hey Amy! they (WFAA alert) just called our phone and a huge storm is heading right for us!" I ran up stairs and woke up Sean. Sure enough within 10 minutes, the wind picked up, torrential rains began to fall, lightening cracked right over us and thunder immediately banged!! Once, it was so loud, Kathy and I simultaneously screamed and jumped into each other's arms. It was hilarious! Then the quarter-size hail came!!! It was flipping amazing!!!! I LOVE THIS STUFF!!! I was in heaven. It lasted about 30 minutes and finally died down a more 'normal' storm. We went back to bed only for Emery to wake up and want to eat. After she ate, it took a long time before she would fall asleep. This was so unlike her and I was soooo tired! lol

Sean and I spent today on our own with Emery. We ate breakfast at the Original Pancake House. We visited the REI in Dallas and then headed up to Plano's REI. We attempted to find the Shops at Legacy in Plano with no luck. Not sure how we missed it. We fed Em at a sbux and then headed up to Frisco. We shopped at Dick's Sporting Goods, the Mall, drove neighborhoods and then ate dinner at Babe's Chicken! This was a crazy experience. First we just followed people in because otherwise we wouldn't have known how to get in the place. It looked old and run down. Not like a working restaurant. Once seated, I realized some of the servers would take turns singing karaoke while walking around the dining room. And they had amazing voices! The fried chicken was crazy good!!!! All the sides were standard... creamed corn, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy and biscuits. Then coconut meringue and chocolate meringue pies for dessert!! YUM !!!! We were back home by 8pm for a quiet evening with our friends.

Tuesday 4/26 - We spent today with Tyrannie and her 5 beautiful kids. We first went to the Stockyards and watched a real cattle drive of Texas Longhorns through the streets. Then Steve joined us for lunch at Risky's BBQ. This was one of the best meals I had all week!!!! We shopped around this very old, original, western town. Very touristy but fun. Tyrannie gave us a tour of Keller and Heritage Trace Parkway from her own vehicle. We tried to find some model homes but kept coming to dead ends. So we gave up. Once again, we stopped at a sbux for an afternoon latte and to feed Emery. :) We eventually headed back to their house in Fort Worth and relaxed for a couple hours. Then Steve joined us again and we went to the Twisted Root for some fabulous (and famous) burgers. Their kids were all so in love with Emery. Hannah, their 5 year old kept saying, "Hi sweetie, hi sweetie" and tickling her tummy. lol

Tyrannie loving on Emery at Risky's BBQ!

The cattle drive of Texas Longhorns through the streets of the Stockyards in Fort Worth

Wednesday 4/27 - We invited Kathy to join us today. Realizing this was our last day, I wanted to spend as much time with them as we could. So while Luke was at work and the girls in school, we headed out for a little more touring of Grapevine and Southlake. Sean wanted to go to Bass Pro and Kathy took us to the Gaylord Texan. This hotel/resort/convention center is insane!!! We walked around for about 10 minutes. It is HUGE (everything is big in Texas) and beautiful! We had lunch at the Corner Bakery in Southlake and then shopped at Naartjie again. hehe We went to the Central Market (kind of like Whole Foods) and bought appetizers and dessert for Brianna's 1/2 birthday. We had a family dinner at home then I told Brianna how to make cakepops and she, her sister and her friend made them. They were so yummy! I was bummed though because I envisioned making these with the girls and spending time with them but Emery was having an hour long melt down. But the evening was a success anyway as we celebrated Bri's 1/2 birthday (well 16 1/2) and Emery's 1/4 birthday. lol

The Gaylord Texan

Kathy, Emery and I taking a break from shopping at the SouthLake TownCenter

Sean keeps Emery warm while the girls shop!!!

Thursday 4/28 - Well today, we leave. And I must say I was very sad to say goodbye. But I know we will see them again. We have all been friends for a very long time but lost touch over the years. So it was really great to reconnect with them. They are amazing in the gift of hospitality and we felt so loved, cared for and comfortable in our home away from home. Thanks guys!!!!

Our home away from home!

So until next time..... we'll see ya'all soon!!!!!!

Pouty Lip!

By special request, I'm uploading Emery's pouty lip video. Most of you have seen it on facebook, but if you haven't, then enjoy!

The story is I was cleaning the collection of fuzz from between her fingers and started saying 'ewwwwww' as I was doing it. (yes, I find it a little disturbing this area can get so dirty when all she does is lay around. lol) All of the sudden she started responding with the pouty lip. But she never cried. I tried to get her to do it for daddy later that night without success. But the next day, to my surprise, she started doing it again! So I had to get it on video! Don't think me a terrible mom. Because you know you all get so much entertainment from your little ones doing similar things! lol

So here's to many years of laughs at the loving expense of our children!! She is the delight of my heart! :)

Things are changing....

I thought I should probably post something since its been 2 weeks. I'm not really a writer, or a great journaler for that matter. I try, but it doesn't come naturally. Well the last couple weeks have been pretty uneventful. Hence, the no-posting. lol But Emery and I did manage to go to Big Hat Days with my friend Lisa and her twins. It was a lot of fun. It was pretty funny because every time I would go shop people would ask her if she had triplets! I knew the twins would get a lot of attention, so I knew I had to make sure Emery looked her best to win over some hearts too! hehe But she doesn't mind sharing admirers with her boyfriends. It was a successful outing. We had a great time and I bought Em some really cute stuff! (these are repeats from facebook)

Me, Lisa, Emery, Evan and Ryan

This past Monday, I went back to work for just one day in order to keep my insurance. I looked at it as a test day for how I would feel in another 3 weeks when I really go back part time. Well, overall the day went really well. I had a great team and got to work with great friends. I got my breakfast burrito in the morning and two lattes to get me through the day! I did miss Emery. It was strange to think I wouldn't see her precious face and smile all day. I ended up having 3 babies between 1 and 4 months old. I could see her in each one of them. I have never felt sad before now. But on a positive note, I looked at these little babies differently than I ever have in my 11 years of nursing. Usually, they are just sweet, cute little babies that are fun to hold and feed and play with. But this time, I looked at them as individual little people with feelings and personalities. It was interesting. It was good.

This is what I left that morning.... :(

On a negative note.... something happened at work, and well lets just say I didn't handle it professionally. I let my emotions get the best of me and I created a lot of drama with management that could've been avoided. This is so hard for me because once I could admit it and take responsibility for it, it was too late and that is the impression I left on my one day back at work. Now I won't be back for 3 weeks. I did make things right with one charge nurse. Now I need to apologize to the other. Anyway... this is a problem that I have continued to see in myself over the past 10 months (since I first got pregnant). It is a piece of my personality that is really hard to look at and obviously hard to manage (and change). I don't know if its the hormones that have taken over my body. Because in all my life, not having a period of my own, I never had hormonal swings like most women. So its been difficult, to say the least, to deal with. There are things I have seen come to the surface that I just don't like. But I have to trust it will get better.

See... even Emery is sad when mommy is sad.... hehe

As for Emery, she is doing great!!! She is just now moving into size 1 diapers!!!! I can't believe it! Finally! And luckily I won't have to buy any for a few weeks because of the 3 diaper cakes I received! lol She is also growing out of her newborn clothes and into 0-3 months. Funny, because she's almost 3 months now! lol Not too many of her 3-6 fit yet. I've bought her a few outfits which is soooooo fun for me! I love it! That makes me feel more like mom than buying diapers, formula and wipes. She is trying to talk more and reacting to things we say. She even responded to me calling to her from the loft while she lay on the couch down stairs. She locked eyes on me from that far away and started smiling! It was awesome! We continue to attempt tummy time but usually don't make it past 2-3 minutes, all of which she cries the whole time. She's not a fan. But she's holding her head up all on her own with little wobble. We have our routine down and its so fun that I am learning how to actually spend time with her.... we talk and smile and just enjoy the company. Which makes going back to work hard. But I love each day with her. She is so fun. And she's not even doing much yet compared to what she'll be doing in another few months! I can't wait! Yet enjoying every second now!

This is the only tummy time she doesn't mind

We love bath time!!!!

Next week we go to Texas! That should be interesting! So I will definitely have some stuff to blog about. So until next time....