aaaahhhhhh sleep!

Me and Melissa at Girl's night out!

Terry and Renee and the kids joined us for a Boursin burger night!

Mary and Annie with Emery

Mary and Renee at Piazza del Pane for Girl's night out!

Auntie Amy and Annie at Girl's night out!

Annie sure loves our little girl!!!

Well the last 5 days have been a blast! My sister-in-law, Mary from Seattle, said (while I was pregnant) that she wanted to come help out once Emery was here. We set the date for 3 weeks after my due date. She said that's when all the help is gone from locals but when the exhaustion truly sets in. Well, as we all know, Emery came 2 weeks early. Mary was so bummed that now she would have to wait 5 WEEKS before she could see her beloved niece. But that 5 weeks flew by and she and my niece, Annie, were here before we knew it! We were both wondering how she could help me as I'm not necessarily needy any more. Bottle feeding has definitely made life easier. I'm up and around and (almost) back to life as I knew it before. Just now I have a little munchkin who is always with me. She prayed that she would be a help. And boy, was she!!! I thought if she even does 1 or 2 nights of feedings for me, that would be worth the trip! Well... she did every night feeding for all 5 nights!!!! It was heavenly. Although, I did not feel rested until after 3 nights of 8-9 hours of sleep! Its crazy how long it takes to catch up on sleep!!

I have such a hard time letting someone help me, especially when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. So I finally told her after the first day of trying to do things for me, that she would just have to jump in and do what she wants. She did and after a day or so, I finally was able to rest in, and enjoy, her help. She helped pick up, clean up, make dinner, etc each day. And we finally did a couple projects before she left. She does interior design and I wanted her help in decorating Emery's walls. We bought a great mirror and hung it. Other than that she gave me some great ideas and now I just have to be diligent to do them (given time and money). The other project was hanging a second wire shelf in Em's closet. It all looks great and I'm excited to hang up more clothes!

Her interior design skills also moved into my living room where she took the things I already have and moved them around until we had a room that looked like a professionally decorated model home. (she would humbly say... naaahhhh... but really!!)

I was so grateful that I was able to enjoy their time here. I hated the thought that she would only come to help and serve and I would not have the energy to enjoy girl time together. But we were out just about every day eating, shopping, and enjoying this beautiful weather. Sean had a three day weekend and so we were able to enjoy his company as well. Friday night we had a girls night out where my other two sisters-in-law in town joined us for dinner. Saturday night my brother and family came over for dinner (a crazy, loud night!). And Sunday, she sent us out for a date night. Dinner at Pismo's courtesy of one of Sean's frequent customers.... a baby gift of $50 gift card for the restaurant! (Thanks Roger!)

Can't wait for her to meet the whole family up in Seattle!! It was a fabulous 6 days!! But the vacation is over and we're back to reality... back to life. Time to rest and get Emery back on her schedule after many days of going going.

Has it already been one month???

Happy 1-Month Birthday our sweet girl!!!!

Today is Emery's one month birthday. And let me just say... it is also her puppy Maddie's 11 year birthday too! I can't believe it has been a month already. It has gone by fast. And we are watching her change every day. On thursday, her 4 week bday, she gave, what seemed to be, her first intentional smile while wide awake, to Sean. Today, I was feeding her and was talking to her and smiling really big. She was staring at me and immediately reacted to my smiling with a smile of her own. She stole my heart!!!! I also saw her first tear yesterday, which let me say, is only going to rip my heart out more when she cries. She continues to gain weight every day and so we see her features filling out. We are so excited for the coming months to see her personality and features really take shape. We are so blessed by this little gift of God. She really is an amazing little girl that only causes us to fall in love with her more each day.

Happy birthday Emery Rose!! We love you!!!!

Emery continues growing!!! YEAH!!!

Emery didn't look too excited about being sniffed by her puppy dog, Maddie! Look at that face!

That's a better face! lol

Playtime!!!

I would say there's nothing too exciting to report this week.... expect the fact that Emery gained 9 ounces in only 6 days!!!! Yeah! I guess we can plan to expect this from now on. She continues her 1 1/2 ounce per day trend! She's is definitely getting all she needs and more! I guess I had still worried that it wasn't only the feeding that was an issue. But what if something else was going on? What if there was an absorption issue. What if she was failure to thrive. What if... what if... what if.... Tis the downfall of being a nurse! And a pediatric one at that! Oh well. With each fear only comes a renewed need to lay them at the foot of the cross and trust more deeply in the Lord to take care of her... and us. But she is perfect! She is great! She is healthy and growing and gaining weight like a champ! Another fear proven unworthy of my time. I can't wait to get her into some of these adorable clothes that are patiently waiting for her! We, literally, have clothes coming out of our ears, both new and passed down, for her first 2 years! ALL completely adorable!! I can't wait to play dress up!!! lol

I continue adjusting to this new life. Still processing through the breastfeeding thing. (I know, get over it already, right? But it is a process and I AM doing well with it) Getting used to feeding and washing bottles all day. I must say though, as I bond more and more with Em, it is getting harder to let her 'cry it out' at sleepy time. And it is harder to let her sleep when I really want to cuddle with her. :) But I feel so accomplished when she only cries for 5 min (which feels like 20) and then is off to sleepland! And when she wakes up with those big beautiful eyes, rested and happy. I am just loving being with her more and more. I thought for a moment there that it would not be hard to go back to work, as it would give me a break. But I have a feeling that in the next 2 months, it may get increasingly more difficult. But time will tell. We'll just wait and see. I do love being a mommy. I can say that with ease now. She is getting more fun every day. I look forward to the weeks, months and years ahead!!

You can't keep a good woman down!!

Well Sean went back to work this past week. So it's been fun as I settle into a routine. I had a realization early Monday morning after one of my meltdowns. I took this time to share it with Sean. Actually we both shared some deep feelings.... it was good. But I told him that I was looking forward to him going back to work. He has been so amazing during all my ups and downs during the past 2 weeks. He has jumped right in, taking care of Emery when I couldn't and doing what needed to be done. I will be forever grateful to him. He is an amazing father and husband. However, I have also let him take over causing me to lose confidence in my own ability to care for her. I was shutting down and now feared taking care of her without him here. Once I realized this, I realized that I needed him to leave me with her, to have to figure it out myself and take care of this little girl. I told him I was "excited" for him to return to work for this reason. He totally understood. So Monday he went off to work and I got to work... on being the mommy that God created me to be. The week has gone off without a hitch! Sean was then home most of the day on Tuesday and Wednesday, but then back to work for 3 days and went snowshoeing on the 4th day. I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit lonely now. So tomorrow we are hanging out as a family! Praise God, my emotional fog of depression has lifted!! We're on the uphill now!!!

Em and I have our routine down. Bottle feeding has really freed me up to get things done, get out of the house and feel human. I am still grieving not breastfeeding. I think about it every day. But I am enjoying the freedom to get out and about and the freedom to simply enjoy my daughter. Its a black and white difference from only a week ago. And today.... I finally got to church!!! I tried the last two Sundays but never made it. We made it today and she, luckily, slept through the whole service! She loved the worship time!!! But started her squeaks half way through the message. I sat on the outside end for a quick escape if I needed to. My friend, Katie, went with me for support. Her husband couldn't go either so we accompanied each other. Thank goodness! :)

As for the title of this blog.... I thought that as I settled into motherhood and being a stay at home mom (even if only temporarily), I would become more of a home body. But honestly, I just am not a home body. I wish I was. But I love to be out. I love to feel a part of this world. I am only good for a day or two at home before I start losing my mind. So far being a mommy has not held me down. It may have slowed me down, but I have been able to still get out for errands or the occasional coffee/lunch date. Emery is a great companion... since she sleeps the whole time we're out. And for all of you that are worried about RSV season... so am I! I keep her completely covered and away from crowds and strangers. I gel in and out of stores and do what I can to protect her. But I just can't stay home. They might as well take me away in a white jacket! You just can't keep a good woman down!! Nope! ;-)

Feeding woes to baby joys!!

As most of you know, I've been struggling with breastfeeding my little miss. Between her and me, we are just having a hard time. I have no desire to get into details, but at this point I've decided (Sean and I, actually) to move on. Seems I can't even pump at this point. However this afternoon I began leaking because as I stop pumping, I'm becoming engorged, once again. So I decided to give it a shot and I got a whole ounce!! This was the first time. Add that to the ounce I have in the frig and Emery gets a whole feeding of precious breastmilk on her next feed. I'm so excited about this! I will take every opportunity to give her the best. But when it doesn't happen, then the best thing I can give her is a happy and (emotionally) healthy mommy! We'll see where this goes from here. But for now, my load is light and I feel better to take care of her. This morning was the first time I looked at her sleeping in her crib and could not wait for her to wake up so I could feed her, play and cuddle with her and take care of her. I realize I have not bonded with her as I should be and find myself jealous that Sean has. I've been all about business and, frankly, stressing out each time. I feel happier, she seems more satisfied and happy. Its time to enjoy all there is to enjoy with this precious miracle from the Lord. 11 years I've waited and its time to enjoy! God will take care of the rest!

Sean and I took some fun pics of her today! Just to show how tiny she still is. Hopefully not after this friday though as we pray and believe she will begin gaining weight now! So enjoy! We sure are!!!!!!!!!

Growth Spurts!!

Well I paid a visit to a friend who is a lactation specialist yesterday. I thought Emery and I were pros but I've hit another rough spot in the last 2 days and needed help with a plugged duct and excruciating pain. All this adds into my growing lack of confidence that she is latching on and getting enough from me. So my time with Jill was very productive. Although, during the night, it adds a little bit of stress as it takes more work, patience and time to make sure she is latched on correctly. AND... she's having her first growth spurt! She woke me up every two hours last night to feed. Actually, a couple times neither one of us ever got to sleep. Sean was up trying to console her and decided she was still hungry. This is so disheartening to me after I spent an hour getting her fed. But once again, this morning set a clean slate. She woke up around 7 or 730 but I was NOT ready to wake up. (so you don't think I'm a bad mommy, she wakes me up, I get her on, and then she falls back to sleep. So having said that....) I pulled her into bed with me with the intention of feeding her in a couple minutes but we both fell back to sleep cuddling! We slept until 830! Yippee!!! And then she fed GREAT and we had some really great awake time. Both Sean and I got to play with her. And I got some great pics too! ;) Every morning she makes the night before all better and very worth it. She's just so yummy!!!

I've had a few ups and downs lately, mainly with her feeding, trying to keep her awake while feeding and dealing with the normal evening fussiness. But we're getting it. The stress is that she's still not up to her birth weight (we'll see on Monday) so the dr. wants us feeding every 3 hours. Except during the day I have to wake her up and it takes her 20-30 min to wake up enough to eat. So I'd rather let her sleep. This way she gets well rested and feeds better once awake. Makes sense to me. Anyone have any thoughts on this?.... please share!

Sean and I both had a horrible night the other night. I was not doing well emotionally. But it just reminds me that I need more rest and need to embrace the grace that God gives me during these rough spots. He says in His Word that He will never give us more than we can handle. I know over all, I've got it good with Emery. But in those dark moments, I feel like those are indicative of the next few months. SO not true! I hold on to the fact that this too shall pass and God is carrying me through every growth spurt, every change, every feed... as we grow and learn together.

Introducing Emery Rose Noble.... Our Birth Story

Introducing the long awaited and prayed for....

Miss Emery Rose Noble!!!!

5 lbs 11 oz, 18 1/2 inches... born 1/27/11 @ 1538.

we are now a family of 3....

Finally.... I finally have the energy to sit down and blog. I know some have been watching and waiting for the first postpartum blog. Sorry it too me so long. I'm very sad, myself, to not have had the ability to write down all my emotions and feelings in those first few days. There was so much I wanted to write and remember. But I know God will give me the grace to remember the important stuff. Be warned though.... this might be a long one.... :)

Let me start by saying that I LOVE being a mommy. It is surreal, I'm still in disbelief, it is amazing!!! Emery is the most amazing thing to have happened to me since my wedding day when God gave me my amazing husband. (I used to say he was 99% perfect.... I would say that in the last 9 days he has definitely reached the 110% mark!!!!)

Now to start at the beginning.....

I woke up thursday morning, Jan 27th, at 5am with a pretty hard contraction. I figured I just had to pee. So I did. When I returned to bed and laid down, I suddenly felt a trickle down my leg. I thought "oh my gosh. I don't think that's pee. oh my gosh!" I got back up to the bathroom and it was steadily coming. I got myself together and went back to bed. I lay there dealing with the thought that right from the start this was not going as I planned. I really wanted to labor at home as much as I could because I was planning to do this completely natural... no drugs, no epidural. But I knew if my water broke early, my dr. would make me go to the hospital and if I didn't progress within his time limits he would push me for induction with pitocin and I would probably end up getting an epidural. With all this going through my mind, I took it to the Lord in prayer and He immediately saturated me with His peace. I prayed, "Lord what do I do now?" I could try to go back to sleep and buy me some time... yah right! He quickly answered and said to wake up Sean. So I rolled over and as he would tell you, he woke up to my whole body shivering with those nervous chills. I said to him, "Honey, I think I'm leaking. I know I'm leaking. I think my water broke." He was awake!! We took a moment together and then got out of bed and started getting ready. I paged the dr. and then texted Jill, the doula (or professional birthing coach), we had hired. She called me back right away. And even one of the first things she said was that my risk for induction just went up. I said I know and I'm okay with however the Lord works this out. I finally got ahold of the dr. on-call (after two phone calls and 35 min) and as suspected.... We're going to the hospital!!!!

So we took our time... Sean showered, I ate breakfast. I finished packing my half-packed bag and her bag. We gave kisses to our doggie, whose life and routine was also about to change, and headed to St. Agnes at about 0630. We were triaged and were told "You're being admitted. You're having a baby today!" Those are crazy words!

Well so far I was not having any contractions. Only starting to have very mild menstrual cramps. It was very quiet and peaceful in the room with only me and Sean. Jill texted me and said she would be there in 30-45 min. But honestly I wasn't ready for her yet so I told her to take her time, I was doing fine so far. She said okay. Well the cramping began getting stronger. Looking back, things were progressing efficiently and smoothly. Sean was already amazing! He was already jumping in, massaging my shoulders with each contraction, reminding me to breathe and relax. He was already blowing my expectations out of the water! Jill texted again and was at sbux and asked Sean for his order. She arrived with mocha in hand for Sean and powerade for me. And boy, was her timing perfect. Things were getting stronger. I think the first thing she asked was when the last time I pee'd. From then on, all day, she had me going to the bathroom every 45-60 min. If your bladder is full, it will slow down your labor. Towards the end, this got very difficult for me, but she kept me doing it anyhow. From this point on, I did almost all (90%) of my laboring on my exercise ball (now known as my birthing ball... lol). I tried to lay down... OUCH! I tried to stand... YIKES! The ball was the best! I would sit with knees apart and rock side to side or back and forth or in circles. Whatever felt the best during that contraction. I would lean on the bed in front of me on pillows and try to rest between contractions. (I should have done this earlier because I didn't start doing it until I was already getting exhausted and the contractions were coming on really strong around a 6 dilation. Toward the end I tried laboring on hands and knees which felt pretty good but I got back on the ball.

When Jill showed up she jumped right in as I knew she would. Sean took a small break and was standing on the other side of the bed from me. After 10-15 min I thought I don't want him to feel pushed out now. So I said jump in anytime if you want. He was still in this. He told me later that he did have that thought but knew the reality was he had two options. One to let her take over or to just jump right in with her. He did the latter. He was freaking amazing the entire day!!!! Sean and Jill worked as a perfect (I do mean perfect... it was amazing) team working on me while I labored. One was always watching my face while the other massaged my back. Oh! And I was having some back labor too! ICK!! So Jill would do a certain massage technique and on the next contraction Sean would do it. He was a very quick learner. She only had to show him something once and he was on it the rest of the day! I had a flippin' 4-handed massage all day!!!! Who wouldn't want that? The three of us worked together to bring our baby girl into this world. It was amazing!

Well the RN checked me about every 3 hours or so. When I was admitted I was a 2 dilation and 30% effaced (around 0830). Next check I was 3 and 60% effaced around 1130 (a little disappointing, but I kept focused on the goal!). A few hours later I was at a 6 and 100% effaced (around 1400). From this point on, it was REALLY intense! I can't even explain. OH MY GOSH!!!! All day they would keep me focused on relaxing my whole body from forehead to toes and fully engage my uterus during the contractions. And Breathe!!! I am, now, really amazed at how this worked so well. During these last couple of hours this was extremely difficult. Even almost impossible. But I found a stream of light from the window to focus on and would clench my hand down on theirs and breathe! Besides my hands I would still try with all my might to relax my body. Do you have ANY idea how hard that is??!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Luckily this last part only lasted less than 2 hours. The RN came back in and checked me for, what became, the last time and I was dilated to a 10 and ready to officially push!!! It was time to bring our daughter into the world! It was about 1510 now. She said on my next contraction I could start pushing and she was going to call the doctor. I only had about 30 min left now! Jill says to me, "Baby, this is it! You made it! The hard part is over and now this is the fun part!" I said through exhaustion and breathlessness, "Fun part? Really?" She said all day I've been having to relaxation against the pain, now I get to actually do something. The RN left and Jill, Sean and I pushed through two more contractions. I suppose I felt some relief but I was about to learn that pushing was in a realm of pain all its own!!!! No one can prepare you for this. The nurse came back in and said "look! you can see her head!" That was flipping amazing to think that she really was on her way! Sean took a peek and was so excited. The RN asked if I wanted to see, so she went and got this huge mirror on a stand and placed it at the the corner foot of the bed. Every push after that I would fight to keep one eye open to see her. Once I saw her progress with each contraction, it kept me fighting through the excruciating pain (I've never known pain like this!) knowing she was coming quickly!

Let me break for a moment. I had written up a birth plan for what I wanted in the hospital, with flexibility of course. One thing I put in there was that I wanted to pull her out myself. I had seen this in a home birth video. Well through all my talks with Dr. Swanson, although I never actually asked him, I got the feeling he wouldn't let me. So I put it out of my mind. That day in the hospital I had totally forgot about it. And honestly, I continually wondered if the staff REALLY read my entire birth plan. So back to the birth....

In the middle of my pushing and pain, I hear the RN say to Dr. Shebelut (who was on-call and honestly an answer to prayer ... just read my last blog post) "she wanted to pull her out if she could... it is in her birth plan." Now let me just say, by this point, this part of the delivery, I can only relate it to an out of body experience (not that I've ever had one). But I was in a whole other world, while at the same time I could hear everything people were saying and I would comply with whatever Jill or Sean or the Dr. told me to do. So I hear her say this and I start thinking "oh my gosh, she read my birth plan. She really read it. Oh my gosh I'm going to get to pull her out!" He says "Sure!". I couldn't believe it! Well we got her head out and he calmly tells me to stop pushing, the cord is around her neck. This was one of my fears all through pregnancy. So I start thinking "oh no. The cord is around her neck. No. She's fine. She'll be okay. Its okay. Her heart rate has been fine all along and I haven't heard them say anything during the pushing that her heart rate is bad. She's okay." (Its funny to me now to think how rational I was in my thoughts, but on the outside I was in another world and feeling out of control in pain while still trying my hardest to stay in control.) He cut the cord and then said nothing further. And I think one of the only times I said (or yelled... lol) anything was right here... "What do I do now? Tell me what do to?!!!!!!!" because another contraction was coming and he said stop pushing. So he tells me to push when I'm ready. And I did and her shoulders came out (which I totally forgot about this part!... I used cycling as an analogy in explaining it to Sean... if you've ever done the Tahoe century, pushing her head out was more like Spooner, long and painful. Pushing her shoulders out was like Emerald Bay, more painful but shorter, very quick!)

And let me take this moment to stray and give credit to my cycling days. The only thing I could visualize at times through my labor was making it to the top of those long, painful hills, breathing steadily, focused on the goal at the top, never giving in to the pain, never giving up!! Thank you to all my coaches and cycling team!!! :) God uses everything for His purpose!

Okay, to the end!!!..... Her shoulders came out and he says okay mama pull out your baby! I reached down and grabbed ahold of her and pulled her up onto my chest. Within seconds she began crying that most beautiful cry I will ever hear in my life! I, surprisingly, did not cry. I was so in the moment, so elated with my brand new daughter laying, crying, breathing on my chest. 11 years in the making!!! Sean, however, did cry as soon as she cried. It was awesome! Her entire head was blue, she was covered in thick, white vernix and wet and bloody, and yet she was the most beautiful thing in the world!! Oh my.... the miracle of birth.... the miracle of life. I was speechless. I finally asked if we could take a picture (against their strict protocol) and he said yes. So Sean took that picture of her first minutes of life. But little did he know, it was set to video (this was SO God, I believe!). So we have a few seconds of her first cry on this earth. Its so raw, so beautiful!!!

That first hour was surreal. Its kind of a blur. (oh yah... I watched my placenta come out too! lol) I got to give her first bath! The staff was so great in not hurrying me with their procedures. They were all so awesome!!! Jill was absolutely amazing! Sean and I were so glad to have this experience with her help. I can't imagine how things may have gone without her. She was equally there for both of us. Sean just raves about her to everyone. So this is my plug for her.... if you or anyone you know would like a doula for their next birth experience, she's the gal!! An amazing, strong Christian woman who began praying for us the day we met her and hasn't stopped since. She continues to be a support to us both. Thanks so much Jill! We can never repay you!

The rest of the day was busy with staff, procedures, baths, checks (on me), and visitors. Everyone kept asking if we had named her yet. To their disappointment, we hadn't. We literally didn't get more than 2 minutes alone until visiting hours were over at 9pm. And even then, we weren't ready. We had a wonderful late evening together, sharing our thoughts, emotions and feelings for the day. There was so much I wanted to ask him (we spent the next few days sharing our personal experience of this day!). It was amazing. Many times through the day I wondered "why did I want to do this natural again?!" But something always kept me from speaking these negative thoughts out loud. I believe there is power in the spoken word. I know the Lord kept me from speaking any of this. I can't believe I did it! I can finally say, after a week, that I am so proud of myself. It may be awhile before I know exactly why the Lord put it on my heart to experience birth in all that he made it to be (and yes... I know it was all because of Eve's sin... dumb Eve! lol). I know my mom would be proud of me. That's enough for me! But what an amazing experience! I wanted to actively bring our baby girl into this world. This whole 11 year journey has been tough. This pregnancy is such a miracle and so I wanted to see this miracle through to the very end. I have no regrets! I am so glad we did it!

We saw God in every single detail of my labor and delivery. Be on the look out for that blog post!!! :) Okay.... I have to go feed now... my life in a nutshell. xoxoxoxoxo