Four days.... no husband... no home... interesting...

Everyday this week, this continues to get harder and harder.  Saying goodbye is never easy.  Saying goodbye when you have so many regrets is even worse.  It's been beautiful the moments we have had with friends and family this past week as we have those one-last-time dinners.  Then we realize how much fun it was and the reality sets in that this will be the last time.  And why didn't we do it sooner?  ... more often?  In hind sight, we can always do things better... more often... more intentionally.  But it only serves to remind me the wonderful relationships God has given me.  I can't walk away with regret.  I have to be content and at peace with what I've been able to do.  And hopefully, even though maybe less often than desired, I did those times well.  Yet there are some... that confuse me.  That hurt.  That leave me wanting, wondering, and I know that only God can give me peace in those relationships.  I hope that God can and will do a work and they will only grow stronger.  God IS faithful in this way.   (I wrote this 7/25/12)

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First some pics from our loading and Sean's moving day!

 My sweet friends, Tonia (here) and Heather came to help pack!

 And our sweet friend Heidi helped for 2 days straight!

 Our renters were no help... just waiting for us for get out!  LOL

 jk... they were actually a big help!

Brian came after work friday night!

 hahahaahahaha!!!

 Getting ready to say goodbye to each other

 My crazy brother... Sean is in for a fun trip!

 All set!

 Happy Trails!

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Well.... tonight is my last night in Fresno, California.  It's so weird.  This week has been crazy since Sean left.  Between deep cleaning an entire house by myself, to last minute details, to taking care of Emery and yet trying to get in all the family/friend time I can before I leave.  I thought it would be better to stay a few days longer and fly to Texas after Sean arrives there. I was always worried I would end up anxious to leave once he left.  But then I hoped I could relax once he left and the packing and loading was done, and could enjoy time with friends.  But I was right. I should have known.  Although I have not been anxious, I have been overwhelmed, stressed with all that I had to do alone, felt homeless, displaced and discombobulated (I have no idea how to spell that!  lol)   But I have been so blessed by the time I've had with everyone, so I'm so glad I stayed! 

Sunday after Sean left, I went to church and then a quick first year birthday party for my dear friend, Heather's, daughter.  Then it was straight to cleaning.  I put Emery down for a nap and cleaned for 3 solid hours.  Emery finally woke up and was really fussy and cranky.  She wouldn't let me put her down so I was trying to clean while holding her.  Finally she just started crying for no reason and there was nothing I could do to calm her down.  I instantly was frustrated and felt like a single stressed out, overwhelmed, mom.  I finally put her back in her crib in her empty room to cry it out.  I didn't know what else to do.  It only took her a minute and she calmed down.  But I realized that she definitely knew something was going on and all was not normal in her world.  It broke my heart.  She is so intuitive.  ((Because again on Tuesday morning, I brought her to the house to clean and was there with her for 30 min before Michelle arrived to watch her.  And she had a breakdown again.  I wanted to cry thinking she shouldn't have to be there in her house when it is so empty and daddy is missing from her world.  :(  I was counting the minutes until Michelle arrived))  I finally finished the upstairs and left with emery to head to Michelle's.  This was my final move from my home.  I had to take everything with me.  And I cried all the way to her house.  When I got there, there was no one home.  I took a shower and when I came out, Michelle was home and I cried some more.  lol  Then it was off to her sisters for dinner.  A wonderful, much-needed, evening with friends, good food and great wine!  It was the norm.  I needed that.  It was fabulous!

Monday I took Emery to her followup with the Endocrinologist for her delayed growth.  All is well... all labs and bone age xrays were within normal limits.  She is great.  Just small. :)  After that we met my sweet friend, Alicia, at the Grind for coffee and off to the Todd Beamer Park with the water garden. I've always wanted to take Emery there and never did. It was more awesome than I thought! Dang!  Now I'll have to find one in TX.  We had a wonderful time together.  Then it was on to meet one of my longest friends for lunch at Piazza del Pane.  I was supposed to take Emery to my friends for a nap but I lost my phone and didn't know her number or address, so Emery had to come with me.  But she was a trooper and did great during lunch.  By the time  I got back 'home' at Chelle's, I was exhausted.  Literally, my entire body was exhausted.  So Em and I napped for 2 hours.  Then I got to go to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends from work for a going away farewell!  It was great!

Tuesday, I headed over to finish cleaning at 9am.  Michelle hung out until 10:30 and then took Emery home.  I went and got my hair done (3 hours of peaceful bliss!!!!  So needed!!).  Then back to my house one last time to let the carpet cleaner in, run a couple errands, and a couple goodbyes to my neighbors (love them!).  Tuesday night, we spent at Terry and Renee's for dinner.  It was a wonderful evening.  I had a great time with the kids.  Emery went to bed at a normal time and we stayed until 10.   Once again, it was one of those times I thought, "dang, I should have done this more".  My goodbye with my brother was simply a very long hug and one last round of wrestling and tickle torture.  Just like old times.  There were no goodbyes.  I know this is killing him, and that kills me.  But God is helping me let him grieve how he needs to.  I know God will take care of him.... and me.

Today, I had breakfast with Chelle and then Emery and I headed to Lisa's for a last playdate.  There were 4 babies and 2 older girls.  We had a great time.  Minimal tears since they all decided to come to the airport tomorrow.  I put Emery down for a nap and stayed for a couple hours after everyone left.  Loved the one on one time I got with Lisa.  These times are few and far between these past 18 months since we are both new mommies.  It has definitely been an adjustment for our friendship but nothing else has changed.  Her friendship means so much to me.  We had a wonderful time talking life, love and children.  I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends God has put in my life over the last 2 years.  I couldn't ask for better friends!  After that we drove to Mattie's house to spend some time with her and my niece and nephew.  It was a great and fun time.  There were tears.  It sucks.  But I am so grateful for the support and involvement she and Brett have been in our lives during this transition.  They have moved to Missouri and then moved back.  So they know the good the bad and the ugly.  They are pretty honest, but in the end, trust our decision.  It means so much.  Today we talked about the future possibilites of meeting for family vacations as they are wanting to get back to Missouri sometime down the road.  I'm so excited at that thought!  

And then we were back "home" for one final dinner with the Cabezut's..  (which I cried about on the way home).  They have been our best friends for almost 20 years!  The times of hanging out, dinners, out of town trips are countless!  There were years in there that we spent one night every weekend hanging out over food and wine.  So many good memories.  (and OH Tom and his gourmet cooking! How I will miss that!)  Michelle and I have been through so much through the years.  We have been friends for 25 years!  I always say our relationship is like a marriage. There were times when we wanted to call it quits.  But every next thing we went through, and survived, only made us stronger.  I have a bond with her that can only be compared to a sister relationship.  It is a friendship like I have never had before and will never have again in  my lifetime.  And therefore makes it the hardest to leave.  It hurts my heart.  To think I will not be able to see her, have a soy capp with her or hug her for a very long while, is so difficult to comprehend.  And yet, I know that distance will not change our relationship.  We have been through so much that I know without a doubt that this is only one more thing that will strengthen us.  And I can't wait for her to come visit! ;)

So.... that brings us to tonight... 5 more minutes and it will officially be the day that I am moving to Texas.  My whole life, except Emery and a few clothes, are already there.  So we better follow!  I truly am so excited for this new time of our life.  I wanted to share more emotions and feelings in this post, but got wrapped up in the details of my own roller coaster ride for the last 4 days (sorry to bore you, it was really for my own journaling... lol).  So I will post again once I get internet in my new home (if not set up already).  Sean is sleeping his second night there with my brother, Kevin, who did the drive with him.  I'm anxious to get there and be back as a family together.  There are few words that can express how much this move means to me.  Sean and I have talked for many years about this.  We've talked for many years about many things and never did them.  So, the simple fact that we are actually, finally doing this is huge to me!  It's almost unbelievable.  In fact I think some people think we would never leave... that we were a mainstay in Fresno.  But... surprise!  We are more adventureous than you thought!!!  (than WE thought! ha!) 

Anyway.... I better stop this novel... I really need to get some sleep.  It will be one more long day.  A very emotional time of goodbyes at the airport, one final goodbye at the gate as Kevin gets off the plane and I get on it (God TOTALLY set this up for me!) and a one way flight to Dallas!  I'm ready!  Let's do this!

(I posted pics after the fact.... see post "Last Days in Fresno")