Amy who?

And here's the other thing.... I'm not myself right now. I would hope that my closest friends would have grace for me. But it seems those closest to me don't know what to do with me. Things feel awkward and they keep questioning if "we're" okay. Of course we're ok. I'm just pregnant! So please dear friends. Just ride this wave of pregnancy with me and have a little grace. I'm tired. Yes, I'm more irritable because I'm tired. I'm stressed for this exam next week. My hormones are going haywire. But I'm still me, though a little tweaked. I love you all! :)

So many changes.... 11 weeks...

Okay. This pregnancy thing is just crazy. I had no idea. Although I always figured that when it finally happened, I'd be going "THIS is what I tried so hard for??!!" Really though, it is wonderful... or the thought of it is. I am surprised at how weird the first trimester is. Again... something you never hear people talk about. I finally started asking around and, thankfully, I found I'm not crazy. The first trimester is just weird. Here you are pregnant. And you are exhausted (beyond what I thought a human could be), getting fatter (which I am now choosing to call cushioning for the baby!), constipated (oh, I know, just wait!), heartburn (I already had this, its just worse now), peeing in the early morning hours, outrageous hormones, and now I'm finding pimples! And yet, as if that's not enough to tell me something is going on in my body, there's no other daily evidence of a baby inside me. I still, after all these weeks and ultrasounds and pics to prove it, feel like I'm pretending! Its just simply weird. I have to consciously stop and think about the reality that I have this little, beautiful, perfect life growing inside of me. It is a miracle. It is a wonderous, God-given miracle! And then, I am filled with awe and praise to my Father for all He has done, is doing and going to do! But man! The day to day thing ... is weird. So I thought I was a little crazy but thankfully I am normal. Well, kind of. lol I am just so anxious to get this show on the road... to SEE my belly getting bigger because of the baby and not just because I ate too many carbs to curb any nausea. ... to FEEL her (or him) move inside of me. But for now, I wait. I wait in faith, in trust, in patience. Because I know all things happen in perfect time for God's perfect reasons. Thankfully, the nausea has been extremely mild and sporadic. The emotional outbursts have only happened twice, so far (I even put myself in time-out the other night! lol) The biggest struggle is being exhausted and trying to study for my CPN exam in 10 days (to get my certification to be a pediatric nurse). I can only do what I can do and other than that I am relying on God's supernatural strength in my weakness. I am constantly so grateful for this time. I am so excited for this precious life that God is entrusting to us. And I know, as this baby grows inside of me, I am growing also. It takes 9 months to grow a baby and it takes 20 years to grow a mom. I can do this. :-)

hormones hormones hormones!!!

Well to say the least the last month has been a wild ride filled with lots of emotional ups and downs, spiritual battles with fear, doubt and worry, and many new feelings and thoughts. Fast forwarding to today.... Today, I'm just overcome with how I'm really feeling. I'm exhausted to say the least, but I feel so unmotivated and blah. I feel like I should be happy (and I AM!!) but I find myself, if left home alone with nothing to do, just staring with no thoughts. Last night I lay down on my bed after work and I could have stayed there all night. I had no thought, no emotion, no motivation to do anything (even though I really wanted to go exercise). If I wasn't pregnant I would think I was depressed. Its so weird. But I know my hormones are all over the place, so I take all of this with a grain of salt, ride the wave and know it will get better in only a few short weeks. I have to let myself be tired. I have to let myself rest and be unmotivated (poor Sean). Monday I got the itch to cook dinner and so I did! It was great! And Sean's friend was over so we got to bless him with that. But for the most part its pbj's for Sean. I hope he has grace for me in all this. I wasn't too different before the pregnancy, but now its just a lot worse! :)

So ride I will!!! The wave of uncertainty to how I will feel each day! And I will continue to think of this little one inside of me. I am so blessed and so excited for this journey!

My life just changed.... A LOT!!!! I'M PREGNANT!!!

It all happened Memorial Day weekend of 2010. But let me back up just a little first. Most of you know I just don't ovulate on my own. However last year I happened to "O" 3x. The last being in December. March came along and I had some different signs of "O" than usual but was followed as suspected with my period. The crazy thing is... only a few weeks later I had my normal signs of "O" (breast tenderness)! I was shocked! Its unheard of. I have never "O" 2 months in a row! Not even on drugs, I don't think! So I waited the typical 11 days for my period to start (this is the only clockwork my body knows). Well, that day came and went. It was a Thursday. And usually if I'm a day late, I'm freaking out! But I guess after so many years and so many negative pg tests, I blew it off. I can't remember what I was thinking... as I went out that night to an Orthopedic Rep dinner at FIVE restaurant where I had, oh I don't know, 3 glasses of wine and then coffee just so I could drive home! (what? it was free!) But then Friday came and went (not sure where my mind was still) and then Saturday came and I decided to take the dreaded test. Except this time I had a feeling. And I was right! It was immediately positive!! I didn't really believe it so I chose not to tell Sean yet (protecting him I guess) and went out and bought another brand of test and refilled my prenatals that I hadn't been taking. Sunday I woke up for work and pee'd on two sticks, of different brands, at the same time. I figured if they're both positive then it must be right! Well I only had to wait for about 45 seconds before they were both brightly positive!! I was amazed! And yet I felt reserved, protective and cautious. I still did not want to get my heart involved until we knew for sure and until I knew it would last past a week. Sean took me to work that morning, and as much as I wanted to tell him, I knew I couldn't spring this on him and then leave him for 12 hours! So I chose to wait. And wait I did... all day. It was the longest day ever! That night we went out to dinner at Sequoia Brewery. I didn't even tell him during dinner. All these years!! I've waited all these years and dreamt of telling him in some creative, romantic way! With infertility there is no surprise. He was always in the know. And now! Now I have the opportunity... and I could come up with nothing!!! NOTHING!! My mind was blank. So after dinner, we walked over to the pretty area of the plaza at Perrin and Champlain near the water fountains, and perched upon the retaining wall, I told him "I have to tell you something". He just said "oh no. now what?" Well his first response was shock. But as it settled in, his face softened to a sweet smile. After we processed for a few minutes, he says "so I guess I should hug you or something, right?" I said, "yah that would be nice". (we were both laughing) Then he says "I suppose you want me to pick you up and twirl you around right?" I said "oh no! We're way past that" lol I mean seriously. It sounds all romantic but it's been 10 years. And right then, we were still VERY leary.

Well that's the very beginning. The beginning of our lives changing for the good, forever! As I was reading through the previous blogs here I could see so evident the work that God was doing in me. Even when I wrote the last blog post, I was only a couple weeks away from conceiving. Seeing the change in my heart that God was doing and knowing and trusting His plan for my life. And now, I'm practicing that all over again... in a very different scenario. I'm almost 10 weeks now and I'm very VERY excited! And yet despite the spiritual breakthrough from fear I had last week, I still find myself being a little cautious. But I have heard the Lord speak already to me that this is His promise fulfilled. It is awesome to know, beyond a doubt, that God really does fulfill His promises to us!!! Thank you Lord ... for your love, your protection and your everlasting promises.

Life keeps going....

Well... I thought I would blog more here but its just not happening. Life is busy I guess. And I forget. but... Things have been more peaceful for me lately. God is so good. I feel Sean and I are on the right (and same) path toward whatever God's ultimate plan is. We are not totally sure what the end result will be. But we are trying to be obedient in the little steps God asks us to take. The first being to sell my car. It went bye bye on Tuesday. I was sad. Very sad. That car was so me! And so I felt a part of me went with it. I was always content in that car, never prideful, felt it was a more humble, although still nice, car. But maybe there was pride in that too. So we are now a one car, one motorcycle family. The money will go toward the repairs we need on the house, which is the second thing we feel we're supposed to be doing. Getting our house ready to sell. Although not definite if or when we are to sell. But God will show us that too. So.... just trying to hear God.

I have gotten a little caught up in taking care of myself because I realize I just can't take care of Sean the way I want. And so I throw myself into this other stuff for me. So I'm also learning to balance that and keep him in the loop of my life. Sometimes that means sacrificing what I want for the good of the both of us. I'm learning. Not that I never knew this before. But after 16 years of marriage, some things you have to relearn.

That's all for now. Not too exciting. But this is my life. . . . .

It's not about me....

Lord, I surrender everything to you.... everything that I am, everything that I hope to be. Even my deepest passion and burning desire for missions. I lay it at your feet. Because ultimately it is not about me, but about you. My one goal is to bring light to the excellancy of your name (1Peter 2:9-10). Am I doing that? Do I glorify you at home? Does my husband see your excellancy and the light of your glory in me, the way I talk, act, am at home? Do I glorify you at work? Are people made aware of your awesomeness and power by the way I live, speak and breathe? Lord, help me to glorify you. As has been my prayer for the last 3 years, Lord, take out all that is in me that is not of you, and fill me to overflowing with your mercy, grace and power by your Spirit in me!

Trusting...

I am learning, all over again, to trust God. No matter what my circumstances look like, I can trust and have faith in His neverending love for me. What an amazing God I serve!! He loves me so much that He laid down His life for me. That is never-changing. Everyday (especially lately), emotions change. From moment to moment I don't know how I will think, feel, speak of my troubles. But HE is never-changing! He loves me no matter what. His purposes are true for me no matter what! He is working His plan in my life EVEN NOW! And that is all I need to hope for! Thank you Lord!