This past month everything in our life has really come to a head. It has been such a huge lesson of trust and faith for us. We have had so many things going on at once. And even now, as I attempt to write this before I forget, my mind is fogged by grief, and I don't know where to begin.
To list a few, our house has been on the market since the middle of October and we had no hope in sight. So many questions and we knew we had to make some sort of decision by the end of the month. Do we lower the price again? Do we re-rent it? Sean even kept asking 'do we move back?'. But none of those felt like wise options for us. We really had no direction but kept praying for some kind of wisdom on this enormous decision.
Then, after much discussion and prayer, Sean ended his job with Anterra on December 20th. We both made the decision that he needed to quit completely and devote this full attention to his new endeavor with Real Estate 100%. It was a huge leap of faith for us, but at the time it felt right. Of course, after the 20th came around, and I realized nothing was going to happen in RE for him during the holidays, I questioned our decision. But what was done was done and I knew we just had to walk forward (and I still had peace that it was right).
Our other issue of trust comes with having another person who is not our spouse or our child living in our home. The longest we've ever had anyone live with us was 7 months and we have officially flown past that mark. There is absolutely nothing personal in our struggle with this, but its simply that we've come to realize as being a very naturally difficult circumstance. My brother in law is probably one of the easiest people you could ever live with, and yet it has effected us, both personally and in our marriage, in a way we didn't realize.
So with all these things weighing heavier and heavier upon us with every passing week, we felt as though we were beginning to crumble. Even I, for the first time since we've moved here, began to ask God if we were wrong in that decision. I began to pray and ask if we had done something, or not done something, that had blocked his blessing on us moving out here, something of which we strongly felt Him calling us to do. So if He called us out here and we responded with blind obedience, then where is the blessing?? All of these feelings and emotions kept stirring and rising within me. (btw... He does not punish us because we may do or not do something outside of his will. Just want to clarify that! This was the struggle of our flesh to understand) And through all of this, the Lord kept reminding me to trust Him. One day I was talking to someone and I said "If only our house would sell, then we wouldn't have to worry about any of this (Sean changing jobs, bills, another baby on the way (I'll get to that), etc)". And immediately I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say "that's why your house isn't going to sell yet". And I knew, I was trusting in the wrong thing. I was relying on the house selling and the equity being my provision to pay off debt, get us through the coming months of Sean's transition and prepare for a baby. But GOD wants to be our provision! HE wants to be the One whom we trust solely! He wants us to be expectant upon Him and Him alone! And that was the last time I said those words "if only the house would sell". I knew, and believed, that He would provide a buyer and provide for our every need.
Just Trust Me. It has been something I have not been able to shake. Every time I would begin to worry, He would remind me again... and again... and again. Just Trust Me.
At the end of December we had a light at the end of the tunnel. The day after Christmas we received our first offer on our house in Cali! A full price offer!!!! With minimal requests and they wanted a 30 day or less escrow!!! Praise God! God had provided the money to pay a double mortgage for Oct-Dec. Then I was like "what about January"? And he provided that! And then I was like "what about February? No, Lord, it just HAS to sell before Feb 1st!" And guess what? We are set to close by the end of January! He truly is so good and so faithful. Sometimes he provides for weeks and months in advance and sometimes He provides for a day... and then another day. But He always provides! This year was starting out awesome!! We had hope and excitement and could breathe for the first time in weeks!
But then January 8th came. A day that was supposed to be an exciting day as it would end with us telling the world (our family and closest friends already knew) that we were expecting another baby July 10th 2014!! A day that I was anxiously looking forward to. A day that I wanted to come quickly so I could quiet every normal worry that all expectant moms have. But instead it became the day I feared. As Emery and I were waiting to hear the heartbeat, there was none. And as we watched the ultrasound to confirm life, I knew, there was none. This baby that God had gifted to me to carry and blessed us with for 13 weeks, was now comfortably in the arms of Jesus. Something inside me knew this may happen. It wasn't fear. But a peace. The same peace that kept speaking to me in December in the midst of the prevailing storm... Just Trust Me.
We found out November 4th that I was pregnant! I think Sean was shocked and knocked a little off his feet, but we were both so excited! I wasn't too surprised because its something that I have felt so strong on my heart ever since we moved to Texas and I've been praying for a sibling for Emery as were some of my friends. So I didn't even wait for my missed period but tested early because I just knew! We waited a couple more weeks and then began telling family and a few friends. I wanted to shout it to the world but you're always careful that first trimester. And every time I would weaken and tell another friend, the excitement was also matched with the thought of "that's one more person I'll have to tell when...". We all have these thoughts. Its not unusual. But each time the Lord would tell me "nothing can change my plan". Every time I went on a run or worked out or ate something or did something that I thought "oh no! what if..." the Lord would say "nothing can change my plan". And every time He saturated me in his loving peace. And I would even think, in those moments, if the bad does happen, it's in His plan. And nothing can change that. He gave me peace even at the thought of losing this precious child. Maybe for some, that wouldn't bring peace, but He kept covering me in His peace every time. I knew I could trust Him no matter what, no matter the outcome! So when this hit on Jan the 8th, I felt I had been a little prepared. That He still has a plan for me. That whatever it is, it is perfect and awesome! Whatever His plan is for our family or for Emery, it is better than I could ever imagine.
We found out on a Wednesday and I had a D&C under general anesthesia at Baylor University Hospital on Friday morning. We are doing well overall. My body has recovered tremendously quick with no lingering side effects. Praise God! My heart is broken, but I'm resting in Him.
These last two days since the procedure I have just felt like I was living in a dream for 2 months and now I've awakened and its back to life as usual. It kind of feels like nothing happened. The baby never was. The procedure never took place. But I know this is a time of recovery, not just for my body, but for my soul. And I know the grief is still there, and we still have to walk through it. But I know it will be okay. I know we will be okay. And there was a baby. And I believe he was a son. He will always be in my heart and on my mind. My belly had just begun to grow a little. I saw his heart beating at 5 weeks. He was very real. And he will always be the baby I never got to hold, but that I loved so quickly. He is now healthy and whole in heaven with our moms and dads, our daughter Brianna and the first baby we miscarried.
GOD IS SO GOOD
I say that because I know how grief goes and in a week or a month or maybe even on July 10th, I will need to see that again in big bold letters.
On January 10th, the day of my d&c, our dear friend back home posted on her facebook....
"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?" (Isaiah 43:19). God is doing a NEW THING in 2014. Meditate on that.
Sean saw it and showed it to me that morning after the procedure. I love God's timing of speaking in and through us to each other. I truly believe this Word for us for this year. I came home on Wednesday after my appt, and spent some time with the Lord while Emery napped. I journaled and prayed. I thought I knew what my life was going to be consumed by this year. A growing belly and then a brand new baby taking every last bit of energy from us! lol But now.... My prayer is "Lord, what is YOUR VISION for me this year? What new thing will you do in me? Use me Lord! Move me!" This is not the end, but only the beginning.
The song Oceans (where feet may fail) by Hillsong has been playing in my heart for the whole month of December while we were struggling through this trusting season. I told Sean this is our song. And I really felt I had been living this out and it was becoming my prayer. Even through the times of worrying as an expectant mom, it would come on the radio again and again. Our church began singing this quite awhile back and then it began playing on the radio and I'm so glad, because it brings me back to where God has us.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
This last part is what I have felt this whole entire last 17 months has been for us. What our life has been about. We still have not seen exactly why God called us to Texas, but I still strongly know in my spirit there is a reason, and He is revealing it. He is building our faith!
(and yet, even as I write this I am having a terrible time. It's not a good day. Just keeping it real. But the Word of God is true and fast and does not fail!! And THAT'S what I stand on!!)
One thing that has been such a blessing to me the past few days is the way our friends and family have stepped up and been there for us. I had friends back home, so precious to me, that have continually checked in on me. They have been there for me in a way that I would not have imagined. But God is so good to provide what we need! The most amazing thing is, for a brief moment I thought "I wish I was back home". But the Lord showed me how many amazing friends he has blessed me with right here that have been here for me in such a big way! My heart longs for 'home', but this has definitely become home for me as well and I can embrace that. God has brought some amazing people into my life. And I'm so grateful, for both the old, and the new, sisters I have to share life with. Thank you Jesus for each one!! And thank you to each of you that bugged me endlessly to make sure I was doing okay. I love you all so much!